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Copyright 2004 All Rights Reserved Jenny and Andrew Scott (c)
Other Jenny Posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Sunday, Oct. 31st-- 10:45am--
My dearest princess Allie,
Hi pookie bear. Gosh, I miss calling you that. Remember how Mama and Daddy always called you pookie bear and sang made up songs to you? I used to sing, "Pookie bear, pookie bear, Allie Cat." That is what rings in my ears all day long. When I wake up every morning, I hear me saying, "Good morning to you, good morning to you, I love my baby Allie, Good morning to you!" I see your smile after I sing the song. If you didn't smile, I knew you needed to go back to sleep. We all know how you are without your beauty sleep .
What are you doing up there? Are there giraffes where you play? I often wonder what it looks like, who you are playing with, and what you are doing. I bet Grandpa found you real fast. He loves bear hugs, so watch out! Daddy and I talk about heaven all the time now. We want to be with you so bad, but we know its not time yet. Someday, we will all be together again.
Josh and Joey still talk about you all the time. I think Josh misses his napping partner. He keeps three pictures of you under the glass on the kitchen table. My favorite one is when you were there for babysitting and he got down on the floor to play with you.
Grandma, Papa Bill, Nana, Papa Jim, Chile and Sita all think of you constantly. I know you are watching over them too. Daddy and I are going to go to Ft. Worth soon to see the new kitchen Papa Jim did. Grandma and Papa Bill went on vacation to Victoria, British Columbia to relax and have fun. They need it.
As for me and Daddy, we miss you like crazy. This house isn't the same without you. I sit by the computer and look to the floor where you used to play. I lay on the couch to watch tv and think of the countless nights you and I laid there chest to chest, your favorite way to sleep. Do you sleep like that with Grandpa now? I hope so. Tell him Mama said not to teach you anything naughty. He'll be in trouble when I get there!
Allie, I have never known a more beautiful child. Thank you for blessing my life for the nine months I carried you in my belly and the nine months you were here with us on earth. Thank you for every fold on your chubby arm, for every raspberry, for the most entrancing blue eyes, the biggest smile (You lit a room with that smile), and that dimple on your cheek that melted my heart. I'm so sorry you had to hurt like that. I'm so sorry, my darling kitty cat. Thank you for showing me what true heroism and courage is all about. I'm a better person now because I can say I'm your mama. What an honor that statement is too. Allie Scott's Mama--a title I'm very proud of.
I love you baby. I'll be dreaming tonight, hope you can meet me there. How about we go trick or treating together in a giraffe costume?
All my love to my sweet pookie bear, to my Allie Cat, my darling, my kitty (you had a lot of nicknames!), my girl, Mama
Dear Friends and Family,
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement you have shown our family over the past six months. We have been so blessed with caring people in our lives. Its hard to know or even fathom how many people out there that follow our story who we will never meet. Strangers that learned somehow of Allie. I got just a glimpse of that at the candlelit vigil and Light the Night. As outgoing as I am, I was almost intimidated to try to meet some of the people I didn't know there to support us. That is why I couldn't just go up to anyone at LTN that I didn't know. I didn't mind if they came to me, but for some reason, I couldn't go up to them. I had the urge to walk around and say thank you and introduce myself, but something held me back. I didn't know how it would be received, so I opted not to do it. Maybe I will be better at the ice cream social in January that the society is doing for our team.
Thank you for the cards of love you have sent to us. We have a huge box of just cards sent to us after Allie passed. They meant a lot to us, even if this is the first time I have mentioned them. Please know that.
I don't know how to express my gratitude properly for everything. Sometimes, when I consider how much has been done for my family, I'm overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but overwhelmed with a sense of, oh, I don't know what to call it. I guess appreciation is the best word. I don't think I've written directly to you in a while. Mainly I've just been writing my thoughts. Its hard for me to fully say thank you. I always think I have fallen short some how. What if I miss someone? Please just know that you have made our life better. Life without Allie is hard, harder at times than I could have ever imagined, but you have helped to lessen our pain.
Andrew went out of town on a guy's weekend to San Antonio. His good friend, John, is living there for the next three months while working to mobilize troops for Iraq. Andrew drove with his other good friend Kris for the weekend. This pack of guys have been buddies since high school. Together, they can drive me crazy. They banter and make fun of each other. Guys are weird in their friendships. Its perfectly ok to spend half an evening just making jokes about the other person and laughing. Girls, that would start a fight in which we wouldn't talk to each other for a while. They always have a good time together, so I hope it was a good weekend for Andrew. He deserves it.
Being home alone for the weekend didn't sound like a real fun option, so I made sure to keep busy. On Friday night, I had dinner with Larissa Brewton, mom of Taylor and director of www.taylorsangels.org. We had a nice dinner and just talked for hours. Its comforting to talk to another mom that knows. Recently, I started emailing a couple named Keith and Brandy Regan. Keith and Brandy lost their son Cole after 20 months of AML. Cole was diagnosed with AML at the young age of 7 weeks. He became an angel on July 28, 2004. To learn more about Cole and his journey, visit his site www.colescure.org. Keith is in the process of getting together a non-profit organization similar to what Andrew and I want to do. I'm sure we will work together in our goal to help families.
Yesterday, I went with the Light the Night team from the society to Tyler, TX for their final LTN walk this year. Tyler is about an hour and a half to two hours away from us. It was a long day. I left my house at 10am and got home about 11:15pm! I have to tell you how impressed I am with those people. Being on this side of it has brought even more respect for the society. These people bust their butts. They worked long hours and try so hard to make sure the event is successful. They have a passion for what they do in their office. They do, as the posters say across the office, are relentless for a cure. I worked the registration table with Leah, a LTN team member. After last night, I hope I can call her my friend too. She is young and fun, and she truly has a heart for what she is doing. We talked a lot about Allie and a little boy named Parker Hays. Parker is a six year old in Mesquite that has non-hodgkins lymphoma. I found his website about a week or two ago, but I've been hesitant to contact his mom Tiffany. Its that struggle I mentioned in my last journal. Is it appropriate for a grieving parent to contact a parent who still has a child with cancer alive? Do they want to hear from someone like me? Leah has been working with Parker's family very closely and has become friends with them. She assures me I need to contact Tiffany. Tiffany, if you are reading, I will e-mail you soon. Maybe we can have lunch sometime. More info about Parker- www.parkerhays.com. He's such a cute little boy!
Every minute of my day is Allie driven now. I think of her at all times. As I've said before, I just want to honor her and make her proud. I want her to know that she is not forgotten and never will be. I fundraise for the society, in honor of Allie. I look at other children's websites, in honor of Allie (I would never have even known about those sites if it hadn't been for Allie). I keep going with my life---IN HONOR OF ALLIE. Everything is for her.
As you can read from my letter to Allie above, I'm missing her today. I woke up crying this morning. I don't know if it is because I am alone in the house this morning, because it is Halloween, or just because I simply miss my baby girl. I'm not in the festive mood for Halloween. I asked Andrew to rent us some movies on his way home. We plan on not turning on our porch light and not answering the door. It saddens me because I've always loved greeting the children in their Halloween costumes. Not this year. Maybe I will have a different thought about it next year. All I can remember is how I celebrated Halloween last year. I was almost eight months pregnant and I went with our friends Mike and Angela to the church for Bibleland. The children dress up in their costumes and have a safe trick or treating experience along with fun booths and games. Josh and Joey were so cute. Debbie and Colin met us there with Hannah and Ben. Hannah was a giraffe! Debbie had come in town because the following day, she and Angela were throwing me a baby shower. That was exactly one year ago today. It seems like a decade ago for me. So much has happened since then.
I'm going to end for now with a request from the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They are looking for some volunteers this Tues, Wed., and Thurs night after hours from 5-8 to help enter in checks from the LTN walks. The money is deposited the night of the event, but the totals are not entered in the system yet. We don't know how much 12 South made officially until we have the info entered. If you are interested and available to volunteer any of these nights, please e-mail Angie Hays at haysa@lls.org. Thanks for the help!
--Jenny
Thursday, Oct. 28th--
11:00pm--There are so many children out there with some type of cancer. Leukemia is a cancer I never knew much about until it came to my family. I knew there were children out there battling cancer, but a person never believes it will be there own child. None of us do. Since Allie was diagnosed, we have encountered many such brave children. I have been in contact with mothers across the country that are currently still fighting along side their child or that are grieving as we are. Its a club none of want to belong to, but that unfortunately many do.
So why Allie's story? I don't know why Allie's was the one people have become attached to. Allie sure is bringing awareness and attention. Because of her story, people have signed up for bone marrow registry, donated blood and platelets, donated and walk for LTN, as well as participated in various programs to help other children. That is the the one I find most rewarding--helping other children and other families. It makes me proud to know that because of Allie, people feel "called" to reach out to other families. The MSN board amazes me on a daily basis. They read journals of children all over the country, like little Hayley in Georgia, John in Michigan, and Hannah in Canada. They send kind messages in the guestbooks of strangers in hopes that the messages will brighten the parent or child's day. Many have signed up to be apart of a program called Cancer Warriors (the kids are the cancer warriors, the volunteers are the "angels"), in support of those children. I am in awe.
Working at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society feels good. It gives me the sense of giving back. So many people gave to me. I want to be apart of raising money for research. My new passion is the hope of creating a non-profit organization to help families across the country with their financial burdens. Families are in tight situations. Often, mothers have to quit their jobs in order to stay in the hospital for constant care of their children. The logistics of creating the foundation are in the works. I hope for success. It would be an honor to Allie's name, but it was also be a tribute to the other children that have not survived. It would be in honor of those in my life that I have been touched by. Kids like Sam. My life will never be the same because I have been touched by Sam Eisenberg.
In the evenings, I spend most of my time on the computer. Answering e-mails is a big task, but so is being an active member of the msn boards. I check children's websites to see what is going on in their lives. I celebrate their successes and cry over their set backs. Sometimes, it is painful to open a website. I'm afraid of what I may read about the child. I just don't want there to be another one. Heaven's stocked right now with angels--can't we just keep some of them here for now? I can stay up late at the computer. Andrew sometimes has to yell, "Goodnight" a few times before I stop to notice that it is way past my bedtime. I just want so badly to help those children and I know how helpless I am. I never know if it is appropriate to contact a parent. Do they really want to hear from a parent who has lost a child to cancer when their own is still in the midst of the fight? I don't know.
I have written some guestbook posts to parents and then erased them. I don't know what to say to them. I don't want to scare them with my story, but I want them to know I support them. There isn't a perfect solution.
So, for me the solution is through the creation of a foundation to help those parents in a way I can. I will work to put together fundraising efforts and donate that money to deserving families. Its going to take a lot of work and quite a bit of time to get the process going, but I am determined to see it through.
Closing tonight with thoughts of the many cancer warriors out there. I wish you nothing but the best and am always thinking of you. Love, Jenny
Wed. Oct. 27th-- 4:00pm-- People keep telling me that they miss my daily posts. Really, there isn't much to post on a daily basis. We stay busy, but it is nothing real exciting. Right now, it's 11am and I am sitting in a history class during the teachers conference period. The kids will be coming in a few minutes. Nothing much to write about there.
Sunday, we took a trip to the zoo. We had overcast weather, but it never rained on us. The Dallas Zoo was generous enough to let us all in for free to visit the giraffe. This giraffe was adopted in Allie's name when she was in the hospital. We had gotten information about him, so we knew he was the male giraffe. There are three giraffes at the zoo. When we arrived, two were inside being fed. A tall male giraffe stood in the center of the yard looking out at all of us. It was as if he was waiting for us. He just stood there staring. Very calm and easy going. We lingered for a long time. Tears came to me as I realized that Allie would never take a trip to the zoo. I will take other children of mine to the zoo in the future, but not Allie. That was a hard realization. She really is gone.
However, I was reminded on the happy times with Allie looking at the giraffe. For me, giraffes symbolize all the best moments of our time together. They make me smile. Giraffes and butterflies. Giraffes make me smile; butterflies remind me of her ever presence in our lives. We have "Allie moments" as I know many others have had.
On Monday, I was lucky to be invited to join Ethan at his preschool for "Grandparents and Special Friend's Day." Andrew went with me for a little while before he had to go to work. Ethan was so good. I really enjoyed spending time with just him. I've spent so much time with Sammy while I we were in the hospital. I wanted Ethan to know he is just as important to me. Ethan was great. We went to the little program in the gym where he sat in my lap. He would lean back and tell me things like, "Oh, I don't like this song--its no good." We laughed and enjoyed ourselves. Thanks, Dana, for asking me to be a part of that. I loved it.
Yesterday was my first day working at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I like it. Basically, I am a telemarketer. I am calling schools about participating in the School and Youth Community Service Pennies for Patients. If you work in a school or are a PTA parent looking for a service program for your school, please visit www.schoolandyouth.org for more information. Pennies for Patients is an easy and worthy program. This week, I am only subbing today, then I am at the society tomorrow and Friday. I don't like to take a sub job unless it is for a teacher I already know. Stacy, my new boss at LLS, is super flexible with my schedule. They will allow me to work up to 28 hours a week, so if I am available and still have hours open, I can go and work.
Andrew and I carpool on the days that I am at LLS. The nice thing about this is that we get to spend some one on one time together. Even though we are the only two living at our house, it seems as though we are rarely alone just the two of us for very long. Since we drive in traffic, we have plenty of time to talk. I know I've written about it before, but I have to stress again how wonderful this man is. He has a heart like no other. This week alone, he fixed Cameron and Alex's computer, babysat Josh and Joey, helped set up for LTN. This doesn't include the many things he does around our house (some times, well, most of the times, more than what I do). He talks, laughs, and cries with me. Never do we have an awkward moment together. He is my soul mate.
For now, I will end with a poem given to me today by a beautifully sweet sixth grade girl at Rice M.S. that was entered into the Reflections Writing contest. The theme for this year was heroes. Thanks, Caitlyn!
Allison Scott was born on Dec. 17, 2003 She was adorable and her middle name was Leigh
Shortly after Allie's birth She was diagnosed with leukemia here on Earth
From that day on, her home was a hospital Which was so tragic because she was so little.
I read in a post she loved to smile But she gave looks of pain after a while
On Sept. 13, 2004 at about 5 after 11, Allison Leigh Scott became and angel and went to heaven.
In the 9 months of her life, Allie touched many She did this with a smile which healed plenty.
She had a great life for the people she was with What's so sad is cancer is no myth.
It doesn't matter how hard you try This touching story will make you cry
Just remember Allie as this: A beautiful daughter in the eyes of two; A wonderful hero for me and you
Sunday, Oct. 24th--
10:30am--12 South Angels Light the Night!! What a night it was. The LLS staff told us they have never had a more successful turnout. Wait till we see what happens next year! Frances and Jim arrived at our house around 2:30, and we left early for the Shops at Willow Bend. When we arrived, volunteers were hard at work setting up tents, putting up tables, and hanging banners. 12 South's tent was in the process of being put up--in the center of the event! I introduced my family to some of my new friends at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I had the pleasure of being introduced to Steve Stoller, from Channel 8 needs. Steve is an honorary chairman of the event and a 7 year survivor of Hodgkins disease. He was polite and easy going.
Kay, the national walk coordinator from Light the Night, came to talk to us. She said that they have never seen anything like 12 South and Allie's Angels. Of the 63 LLS chapters nationwide, 58 of them had Allie's Angels teams this year (by the way, the name Allie's Angels will be changed for next years team-Allie's Angels is already a non-profit organization in honor of five year old Allie Cibulas, who passed away of a brain tumor--see www.alliesangels.com. We will change the name after this years LTNs are all over). Kay said that even the national teams that were corporately connected did not display the same camaraderie that Allie's Angels does.
Around 4:30, a small group with bright yellow shirts reading, "Allies PALs" started walking towards me! My PAL students! We all ran towards each other and it was a sea of hugs. Ah, does the heart good to see kids like them. When you're with a group of ninth graders, not many kids are around, and a bounce house is in view, what do you do? You jump in the bounce house of course! We jumped and giggled and laughed. Some pictures were taken, so I can't wait to see them. Jumping in the bounce house took more energy than I expected. I was worn out! We all climbed out of the bounce house and walked to visit Molly the cow. Frances laughed when she saw me walking towards them with my "entourage."
The event began to pick up about five. I was able to visit briefly with many people I knew. Everywhere I turned, I saw shirts with Allie and Sam's faces on them. I recognized many, but was unfamiliar with others. While I didn't go up to anyone I didn't know, I didn't turn down anyone who wanted to meet me. They had given up their time, raised money, and come up to walk with us.
At 6:30, we gathered around the main stage for presentations and speeches. The first to speak was Dr. Goldman. What an honor it is to share a stage with a man like him. He, Dr. Lenarsky, and Dr. Weinthal, have done so much for countless families. Goldman spoke about how far we have come in the medical field and how far we still need to come. He said that now, they are able to get 80% of patients diagnosed with leukemia (all types) to a remission status. That great, he said, but still not good enough for those 20% that don't fall in that category. The biggest challenge, he said, was survival for infant leukemia, especially AML. Though he didn't say it directly, we all knew he was referring to our beautiful Allie. Infant AML is different than any other fighting the disease. It doesn't have a good success rate. We have to change that. We have to find the cure.
Dana and I were next to the stage. As our names were announced, we heard a roar from the crowd. Stepping on to the stage, I saw the impact Allie and Sam had made. Wow. My nerves started getting the best of me. I'm supposed to speak to all these people? Luckily, Dana spoke first, giving me enough time to clear my head and thoughts. Dana's words were great. She speaks with such ease to crowds. Dana finished and then it was my turn. Below is my speech:
Good evening everyone. My name is Jenny Scott, and I am the proud mother of a true hero. A giraffe loving beauty who changed our worlds. Allie and Sam have been an inspiration to so many of us. Look around you and see how many people have been affected by their lives. However, I want to remind you that Allie and Sam are just representatives of the many lives with a blood cancer. Through my experiences, I’ve learned that leukemia, lymphoma, and myeloma come in all sizes. It affects children as little as Allie and as big as our friend Ted Wren. There are babies, toddlers, teenagers, mothers, fathers, and grandparents being diagnosed with a blood cancer all throughout the country. Our heroes are everywhere. Some of the heroes that I have known are of course Allie Scott, Sam Eisenberg, Ted Wren, Kayla Vancleve, Taylor Brewton, Jordan Morgan, Jed Leonard, and Julianna Cook. Those are just a few. There are many many other heroes. Behind every hero is the side kick. That’s all I was. Allie ran the show; I simply followed her and helped in anyway I could. Some of you tell me I’m strong, but the truth is that Allie MADE me strong. Those that are battling the disease give those of us the caregivers the strength.
Heroes need power to help them continue fighting. The way we can give them power is by donating blood and platelets. In the time that Allie fought the disease, she had 68 transfusions; 48 platelet and 20 red blood cells. All of those transfusions came from a donation from a loved one or stranger. Those donations gave Allie the power to fight another day. I urge you all to help our heroes by giving them the power and strength through your blood donations.
Thank you for your continued support of our families. My personal thanks go to my husband Andrew. I love you and will love you for all my life. What an honor it is to be the mother of your children. To our parents-thank you for always being by our sides. To Dana, what an honor it is to be your friend. Just as I told Andrew I will love him for the rest of my life, I will be your friend for the rest of my life. To the countless friends and strangers that have supported us—thank you. There are too many to thank, but please know that we appreciate all that you have done for our family. To Maggie Albritton—Happy Birthday!!! Not many 6th grade girls would spend their birthday and birthday party at a walk for their friends. I love you very much.
I hope to see all of you back here for many years to come. New heroes are joining the ranks each day. We need to be there to support them.
Have a great walk. Thank you.
Cheers from the crowd in support of our families. Dana and I were ready to quickly make our exit from the stage. But no, we couldn't leave the stage yet. Without our knowledge, the plan was to present us with a new award, "The Taylor Brewton Initiative Award." Taylor Brewton was a beautiful four year old who lost her life to AML three years ago. Her mother Larissa started a non-profit organization Taylor's Angels www.taylorsangels.org after Taylor's death. She spoke to the crowd in presentation of our award. The thing that she said that stuck with me the most was her statement that we (Dana, Larissa, and me) have turned our negative experience with cancer into our lifelong positive mission to fight it. We will not let cancer beat us by beating our spirit.
Sammy led the walk! Sitting in his mom's lap in a golf cart, he led the crowd. We kept our distance, but I was able to talk with him. Before we started walking, he was talking to me as if no other person was around. Thousands of people looking at Sam, but he couldn't have cared.
The walk was fantastic. Mid way through, my white in memory balloon detached from its light and began to float upwards. Someone tried to catch it for me. No, just let it float. Allie needed her balloon. Andrew walked with our friend Mary Albritton while I walked arm in arm with Abby Albritton.
After the walk was over, our group picture was taken (not an easy feat to take a group picture in the evening with a crowd of over 400!), our family and friends dined at Maggianos. 24 people wearing 12 South Angel Shirts, while there were tables of high school students in formal homecoming dresses. We had an awesome meal with way too much food. There went the Weight Watcher's plan for the day. Annie and Emmaday joined us while Jack sayed with Fieldon in the hospital. It meant a lot to have our friend Annie there with us. Beth, one of Allie's nurses, also came with us. Thanks, Beth. So glad you came.
This afternoon, our closest friends and family are going to the Dallas Zoo to visit the giraffes. Its an all out Allie weekend.
Here are a few pictures from the night. We didn't take many, but I know others did.
Oh, I almost forgot to address my lovely guestbook poster, Sara. Sara made a kind and caring comment about the fact that Allie didn't beat the disease, it beat her. Thank you, Sara, for pointing out the fact that my daughter didn't live. I almost forgot. You're right, she didn't beat the disease in the traditional sense of the word. But she has won against cancer because of how many lives she touched. She is cancer free now, and her memory and legacy are living on. She will not die in vain, and THAT IS WINNING. So, my dear friend Sara, if you would like to comment further, please feel free to e-mail me. I'd love it. But, if you disagree so badly with my words, here's an easy solution: DON'T READ!
Alright, she's negative energy, and we won't waste any more time. I love you all. Have a beautiful Sunday.
Wednesday, Oct. 20th.
11:35pm-- Don't forget to purchase Holiday Cards with your snowman and giraffe! The site has changed to www.cardsthatmatter.com. The people working on this project have put in a lot of time and effort. I hope to see it successful. Plus, they are really cute cards!
Important information about the LTN walk in Plano on Sat (stolen straight from Dana's site! What are friends for, right?)
* Bank Days are Wednesday & Thursday from
9am-7pm. There are still shirts and hats available so avoid the long lines at
the event and turn in your money early.
So much easier than typing it all myself. Love the wonders of cut and paste!
Andrew and I are doing well. Of course, as you read on Monday, we have our moments. So long as we are busy, we do alright. In the evenings, we spend our time walking the neighborhood with Brandy, doing computer stuff like checking emails, or hanging out with friends. We make sure to spend quality time together everyday, even if its at least for a little while. Just as we did when Allie was alive, we make sure to have adult conversation that doesn't always revolve around her. Mainly, yes, our conversations are about Allie, but we can't have them all be about her. If we, we will only have that as our common ground after a while. We work to make sure our marriage is the strongest things in our lives, besides our love for Allie. In the past nine years, we've been through quite a bit together. I can easily say that I love and respect him now more than ever. There is no one I would rather share my life with than Andrew Scott.
If you were to meet Andrew for the first time, you might lean over to me and say, "he doesn't talk much, does he?" If you have met him a few times and he's gotten comfortable with you, you would mention to me, "You know, Andrew's really funny." If you have spent extended amount of time with him, you would comment, "Andrew is one of the best guys I've ever met." This is the normal sequence I get from people. He has a heart like no other man I've ever met. He makes me laugh with his quick wit (though that wit has gotten him in trouble a few times with me before) and dry sense of humor. I have many great girlfriends that I love to be with and talk to. Andrew is my best friend and always will be.
Brandy has settled back in our home nice though I do think she misses her dog friends and the loving atmosphere of Camp Murphy. Andrew and I almost forgot how enjoyable she is. These days, she follows me throughout the house. I can barely go into the bathroom without a furry friend joining me! Being the sock hound that she is, she naturally slipped back into the habit of hoarding socks in random places in the house. These are her treasures that she brings to us for attention and recognition. Since returning, Brandy has taken to carrying two white baby socks around the house. We never take them away from her. Instead, we allow her to bring them to us whenever she wants to be loved on. Loving on Brandy is easy. She is has mellowed out, becoming much more gentle then what she was in her puppy stage. I can spend hours with her.
Life in the Scott household is ok. Not great, certainly not exciting, but ok. We're all really looking forward to Light the Night this weekend. Jason told me today that 12 South's total is up to $89,000!! We will make $100,000! I look forward to seeing people at the walk, but am leery of how many people will be there. Please don't get your feelings hurt if I can only talk to you for a minute. 440 people is a lot for me to talk to. I will try, but I doubt quality time will be spent with anyone.
Time for bed. Night, Jenny
Sunday, Oct. 17th--
9:00pm--Exactly ten months ago today, I was sitting in a hospital bed. My newborn, kicking and screaming for the world to hear her presence, was being cleaned up in the nursery. Andrew, freshly stamped with his daughter's footprints, was filming her first bath. My world was perfect. My life complete.
The image of my life and my world is so different ten months later. We all know that story.
I've handled myself pretty well given all that has happened. I have been able to go on the cruise, laugh with friends, walk with Dana at the Race for the Cure, and even return to my old school as a substitute. Today, all my emotions, all my pain came crashing down on to me. Andrew had to work, so I was alone in the house. I fell to pieces, and I fell hard. I cry often, but not like this. My eyes fell swollen and tired. Three hours of solid tears. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Didn't want to tell even my own mother that I was so upset when she called (though I know she knew--sorry, mom, I love you). I tried to shower, but fell apart even more. In my towel, unable to do anything else, I called Dana. And I sobbed. Dana listened without comment to my rantings and babblings. After a few minutes, she encouraged me to pull myself together, finish getting reading, and go to my first Weight Watchers meeting. She was right. Staying at home and crying wasn't healthy for me.
Weight Watchers was fine...in the beginning. After that much crying, I was exhausted, but willing to make an effort. Angela and I met another girl Summer there and we all sat down on the second to last row. The meeting was about to begin. It was our first meeting. I was a Weight Watchers member several years ago before getting pregnant with Allie. I gained forty five pounds with her. Guess I took that "eating for two" concept a little far. After delivering her, I lost thirty-five pounds. Only ten more to go. Then, I went to the hospital with the baby. Then, I went on a cruise. Now, I gained back fifteen of the thirty five pounds. I feel disgusting. Its the biggest I've ever been. So, I feel real good about myself right now (note the sarcasm).
Back to the WW meeting this afternoon. I was holding up just fine until a woman with a six month old infant sat directly behind us. To make matters worse, her mother, the baby's grandmother, was right next to her. Cue to the cooing and baby talk to the baby. Bring on the tears. Then, the leader begins talking, asking the group if anyone had weight loss to celebrate. Of course, the mother of the baby was first to speak. The leader congratulated her than talked briefly about her beautiful baby. Oh yeah, I needed to move seats. Angela moved with me. By the time I made it to my new seat, big tears were coming down my cheeks. Great. I was in a room full of people crying. I excused myself from the meeting and stepped into the front entrance.
The rest of the day has been a little calmer. I slipped into the numb state. I'm so sad today. But, tomorrow, I hope, will be a different kind of day. I go back to subbing and will be busy.
Returning to Rice was very bittersweet. I loved seeing the students and my former co-workers. They welcomed me with such kindness. The hard part of being there is the memories. I look down that main hallway and think of the time when I was pregnant with Allie. It was one of the happiest times of my life. My life is so different than what it was just last Oct. Then, I was hugely pregnant with my hardest challenge being which stroller to purchase. I'm not that same person. So, Rice doesn't feel like my safe haven like it did before. It's not my school anymore. I said this to a friend of mine who teaches there and she immediately rebutted with yes, it is. It doesn't feel that way though. My life has changed so drastically since then. People ask me if I will go back to teaching full time. I don't know. I loved teaching, but I don't know where my life will lead me. I may try to get a position, but I may not. For now, I will stick with the flexibility of subbing and working at the society. I do know that I won't be returning to Rice. That is another person's job now. She is a kind young teacher and I wish her nothing but the best.
Yesterday, I was privileged to walk side by side with my friend at the Race for the Cure. Seeing Dana in her pink survivor shirt, I was reminded just how much she and all the Eisenbergs have gone through in the past three years. Dana battled her own cancer before she fought alongside her son to beat his. I can't tell you how much I respect and admire her. I am a better person for knowing her. Thank you, Dana, for allowing me to experience that with you. Wow, what a site it was to see all the survivors in front of the crowd.
There is a fundraiser currently going on to purchase holiday cards in Allie's honor. Several people are hard at work at having really cute holiday cards made in Allie's honor. If you would like to purchase these cards for Christmas or Hanukah, please visit http://home.earthlink.net/~holidaycards/. I know I am just bleeding you all dry with asking for donations, but if you have anything left, please check out www.4alliescott.com. These are our great neighbors who have put together a team for Team in Training for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. These neighbors are the same ones that walked around our entire neighborhood placing flyers on everyone's door about Allie and our situation. In less than two weeks, they gave us a $3,000 donation from the residents of Lost Creek Ranch. It would really mean a lot to me to help them get money raised for their team. Team in Training requires a lot of discipline. As a team, they train with honored heroes in mind. Dana and I had the absolute pleasure of meeting a man named Sol that is training for Allie with a Ft. Worth team. Frances, my mother in law, had filled out paperwork for Allie to be one of the society's Honored Heroes back in June. Her friend is a part of the team training in Allie's name. While walking through the crowds at the Race for the Cure, Dana was handed a pamphlet about Team in Training. When she recognized the logo, she turned to point it out to me. We quickly turned to the man handing out the papers. We asked him what he was doing with the Team in Training paperwork. He told us he was training where he lives in Arlington. Dana asked him if he was familiar with Allie. With tears in his eyes, he said, "Allie is my hero." Not knowing who we were, he asked our identity. "I'm Allie's mom," I said, and we embraced in a big hug. Both of us had tears in our eyes. Sol, it was so great to meet you. The LLS site was down tonight, so I couldn't find Sol's website for donations. He has already raised $1,200, but his goal is $4,000. He told us that he had been thinking about Allie and wanting so badly to do this for us, but meeting us in person made it so much more real for him. To me, it makes it real for me. Sol reminded me of all the strangers out there moved into action by my little angel. Thank you, Sol. I can't wait to talk more with you at the Plano Light the Night walk this Sat.
After a day like today, the only thing I want to do is go and dream of the girl. When I do, I can still feel, touch, and smell her. She is real in my dreams. She is my angel returning to me each night.
Goodnight, Jenny
Oh, I forgot to mention that I added a cruise page with pictures (click on the thumbnails for larger view) in the vacation section of the site.
Thursday, Oct. 14th--
6:15pm--Busy! I've been very busy in the past few days. Yesterday, I spent most of the day at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They are a great bunch of people that work so hard every day. I have been very impressed with their work and dedication. I've learned quite a bit in the last week.
My mom called me today and asked what I was doing. Well, lets see. Answering e-mails (which I suck at!), going to Tom Thumb to pick up goodies for the doctors, going to Plano ISD to get my sub ID, visiting the doctors in the clinic, volunteering at LLS, lunching with Dana, coming home to take care of Brandy, and now its off to Keno for the night. Wow, I'm tired just looking at what I did!
I have a job! Two jobs actually. I start my first sub job tomorrow at Rice for sixth grade. This afternoon on our way to lunch, Stacy from LLS asked me if I was interested in a part time position there at the society a few days a week to help with the School and Youth program. So, the plan for now is to sub a few days and work at LLS a few days every week. Both are very flexible. This also helps with our, "what about summer vacation?" dilemma with money.
I have so much to write about and little time. What else?
A little bit of business... We were real serious with our volunteer plea at LLS. Today, I made a lot of phone calls (not on 12 South) reminding them about the walk and bank days. There is still a long list of people left to call. There are boxes of batteries that need to be placed in the lights for the balloons. There's plenty of work. Please consider calling Catherine Withers, the volunteer coordinator, at 972-354-8309 to help and volunteer. They also have a walk in Ft. Worth this weekend and in Dallas the day after Plano's next weekend that I'm sure they would welcome volunteers.
Speaking of bank days, they are Wed. and Thurs. of next week at the society (8111 LBJ Freeway, Suite 425) from 9-7. There, you can pick up your gorgeous 12 South Angel t-shirt as well as any other incentives that you earned during your fundraising efforts. I have a master list printed on Tuesday that has every participants name and totals for how much they have raised. A lot of zeros! Shame, shame, I know your name! No, seriously, if you have not turned in the money you have raised, please consider doing so during one of the bank days. There are still 12 South Angels t-shirts left, but remember they are first come, first serve. The sooner the better. You will be able to turn in money on the night of the walk, but we prefer for you to do it in advance. These people have become my friends. I don't want for them to have to stay up until the wee hours of the night counting money if they don't have to. They have to be out at the Dallas walk early the next day. Let's be nice to them!
Moving on... Annie called me today with an update on Fieldon. When we spoke, they were extubating him. If all goes well and he does not need intubation again, he will move to 12 tomorrow. Most likely, he will be up on 12 for several weeks. I plan to go there on Sat. after I do the Race for the Cure with Dana (did I mention I was doing that yet? Again, keeping busy). They found a bacteria growing, so he had most definitely been septic when he was brought in on Tuesday.
I visited Big Sophie today at the clinic. She looks great! She now sports a little lean to her. I think many kids have enjoyed a brief Big Sophie ride (probably with some assistance from Dr. Goldman!). The nurses and doctors told me that she is a huge hit with the patients. Dana, one of the nurses, said that she found Big Sophie stretched across the oversized sofa taking a little snooze the other day.
It was great to see Dr. Goldman and Dr. Weinthal. They are such warm and kind men. I greatly admire them and Dr. Lenarsky (who was rounding in the hospital). I was so honored to hear that three of our walkers include both Dr. Goldmans (he and his wife) and their ten year old son Adam. Adam is in charge of fundraising for their family. I had a chance to meet him in July when he came up with his dad to visit. What a nice young man!
People comment to me "I don't know how you do it. You're holding up so well." People aren't around me when I'm alone. For the most part, yes, I am doing well. But, I am busy. I don't allow myself much time to not be doing well. I keep myself busy. Allie is always in my thoughts, but I am not at home feeling miserable. I can't be. That isn't a tribute to her memory. Allie deserves better than to look down from Heaven to see her mom crying all the time. She needs to see how much I am doing in her honor. She needs to see us all smile. She hated for us to cry. She was such an empathetic child that crying greatly upset her. She would become very agitated if she noticed anyone crying around her. On the day she passed, I tried my hardest not to cry. I spent most of the day with her in my arms. I wanted that place to be the most safe she had ever felt. I didn't want to upset her more with my tears. I know that she is enjoying Heaven now. When she looks down on me, I don't want to upset or disappoint her.
I'm late to leave the house, so I'm ending the post for now. Most likely, I won't post again until at least Sat. or Sunday.
Tuesday, Oct. 12th--
10:30pm--I just came back home after spending the last five hours in PICU with Annie. Fieldon was admitted this morning. After continuing to vomit, Fieldon was having shooting bouts of pain and was groaning all night long. This morning, he had a normal clinic visit, which Annie had written about in her journal last night. His line was malfunctioning, so the nurse Dana went to get TPA, a medicine used to clear blockage in central lines. Annie noticed Fieldon getting a glazed over look in his eyes, turn blue and begin to seize. This was within seconds. She ran out, got the doctor, and the ball started rolling. Code blue was called, the team came, and he was admitted on to PICU. He has been intubated and sedated.
The scariest part is that they don't know what's the cause. They are many speculations, of which I don't know enough information to describe properly. I worry for Fieldon. I hate, hate, hate that he is back in the hospital. I hate it for him, but I also hate it for Annie, Jack, and Emmaday. They have just had their family reunited and now this.
This afternoon, I was supposed to have a dentist appointment. The dentist's office called around 10 to tell me that they are unable to have it today because their equipment broke. No problem, I'll just go have lunch with Andrew instead! Andrew, Mike, and I went to lunch, then I headed off to go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to pick up our t-shirts. If I turned left, I went to LLS. If I turned right, I went to the hospital. Not knowing what compelled me, I turned right and headed to 12 South. I had a box of t-shirts for the nurses and a strong urge to see them. What a warm welcome I received.
As I was sitting in the nurse's break room, the subject of Fieldon came up. I don't know what made us do it, but the next thing I know, we had Katie (one of the nurses) looking up in the computer to see if he was admitted to the hospital. Sure enough, he had been. His room number sounded familiar to me....PICU. Not the same room Allie was in when she was there, but PICU nonetheless. I jumped up right then and said my goodbyes. Vivian, our wonderful Patient Care Assistant on 12, skeptically asked me, "Are you sure you want to do that?" Nothing was going to keep me away. Annie and Jack were there for us in our worst time in our life. No way I won't be there for them. By the time I made it to PICU, Dana, Andrew, and my mom all knew of Fieldon's situation (long wait for the elevator). Andrew and I went back tonight at five and got to see the baby in his room. He is very stable, very sedated, and remains intubated. Annie and I walked with his monitors and nurses to the room where he would have a CT scan, but we had to wait outside. For now, he is stable and being kept comfortable.
I stayed with Annie for thirty minutes before she went back into the baby's room. Now it was time to go to LLS. They are working in overdrive to prepare for their upcoming walks in Ft. Worth, Dallas, and Plano. They are all so friendly and kind there. Tomorrow, I plan to go and volunteer calling walkers for the day. Should keep me busy (tomorrow is Allie's one month so I need to stay busy). I asked Jason if they need volunteers, and he tells me YES! If you are in the Dallas area and can volunteer some of your time at the LLS office, please call Catherine Withers at 972-354-8309 or e-mail her at withersc@lls.org. They need help sending mailers, calling walkers, and putting together the batteries for the balloon lights. Any help would be appreciated. I did ask Jason about women volunteering but with their small children. That's fine, so long as they are VERY well behaved. You don't want your child running around the LLS. That would just make us look bad.
I'm exhausted tonight. Seeing my friend and her beautiful child back in the hospital just plain sucks. I wasn't thinking too much about Allie. It didn't suck to be there in PICU because of my pain for Allie (though it does dredge up some memories). For me, it just hurts to see a child, ANY child, like that.
Please keep the entire Ormond family in your thoughts tonight. To Annie and Dana, I love you both! Jenny Sat. Oct. 9th--
11:40 Dallas time--That's right, we're home. The original plan was that we wouldn't be home until late Sunday night. However, plans don't always go the way we want them to, do they? So here's what happened....
The last day of our cruise was another day at sea. We entertained ourselves with trips to the dining room, ping pong, and bingo with the oldies! This was the final bingo. Four games, with the final game being a $2,800 jackpot. There were tons of oldies in the room for this game! No, we didn't win the jackpot, but I did win game #3. I won $220! Hey, I was excited.
You may laugh at my description of cruisin with the oldies, but trust me, its true. Some of those people were really old. My mom said last night, gosh, then I guess I would have fit in. No, she would be considered one of the young whippersnappers! My favorite thing was seeing an older woman then watching her turn around and say, "Are you alright mom?" Then, and even OLDER woman in her wheelchair or walker comes into view! That happened on more than one occasion. For us, cruisin with the oldies was nice. There were few children on the ship. It wasn't a lively crowd that went out a lot (In fact, at one point, the dj was carrying a "will DJ for food sign around the stage because no one was visiting the nightclub!!). No pressure whatsoever.
On Thursday, we docked in Civitavecchia, a port city in Italy. We left the Westerdam ship early, but not before we had one last meal (all about the food on a cruise!) and dropped off a thank you note to our waiter Sang. Sang was such a kind man. He made us happy to go to the dining room every night because we knew we would have a chance to visit with him. We caught a train to Rome and walked across the street from the train station to our hotel. Rome was crowded; I mean, really crowded. Neither of us handle big crowds well unless we know the people. The traffic in Rome, as in most European cities, is atrocious. You risk your life at every crosswalk. When we got to our hotel, it was too soon to go to our room. We left our bags and went exploring. We were tired from our cruise and from traveling to Rome. We were getting a little cranky and the crowd was making us crankier. Over lunch, Andrew brought up the possibility of going home earlier.
Back in our hotel around 12:30, we called American Airlines. Sat. flight was booked, but Friday was available still. Okay, that still gives us hours to tour Rome. This is just as long as we got to see any other city on the trip, so we were satisfied. We had spent time in Rome before, so we didn't feel the need to see the Colosseum, Forum, or the Vatican. We focused on the four places we really liked the last trip but didn't feel we spent enough time visiting. We went to the Trevi fountain, the Pantheon, the Spanish Steps, and finished in the Villa Borghese. This is a massive park in northern Rome. One of my favorite places in the world. After the crowded streets, the mob around the Trevi, and the traffic, Villa Borghese was a welcomed change. For fun, we rented a two seater bike. Really, it looked like a golf cart. It had bike peddlers for each person, but a steering wheel and a motor that was triggered by the pedals. That little motor made the bike ride smooth and easy for the riders. We laughed. It may have been one of my favorite moments of the trip. The only scary part was the fact that we had to cross a busy street to get to the other side of the park. We were very nervous, especially knowing Roman drivers!
Getting out of the bike after our hour long ride, I reached into my pocket to notice the absence of something very important. Being a sunny day, I had put on my prescription sunglasses (see where this is going?). Well, I put my regular glasses in my pocket. Oh yeah, they fell out. Its a big park. We covered a lot of ground. No way we'd find those suckers, but we thought we would at least give it a try. My luck--where does Andrew find them? In the street! Demolished. Run over by several cars and most likely a few buses. Cute plastic purple glasses I have no more. Yes, it was time to go back home. Even more so now that I couldn't even see! Me at the airport in Rome was a scary sight. That is one of the least efficient places I've ever been to in my life, and to make matters worse, I couldn't see!
This trip did exactly for us what we hoped for. It gave us much needed time together just the two of us, allowed us to reflect a little on our lives, and gave us relaxation time. We talked a lot of our future. We analyzed and reanalyzed every aspect of our life. Being away for two weeks from our friends and family made us miss them so much. We missed our home. I think we needed that. Two months ago, we were ready to move away from our house and maybe even from this area. We couldn't even go two weeks without missing our family. No way we could move away. When Allie passed, I wasn't ready or in the right mind set to live in this house. I didn't want to be here alone; didn't want to have down time here. Now, I am more comfortable here. Every corner of this house has something to make me think of Allie, but I am handling it a little better.
Breakdowns happen at the strangest of times. We can be laughing and discussing other things when all of a sudden---WHAM!--sadness just strikes. We see something that reminds us of Allie and we float away. I sometimes ask Andrew what he's thinking about when he gets really quiet. His normal response is, "What do you think?" Allie. While walking through the Villa Borghese, we talked of how much we missed her with us. Andrew asked, "Do you think she misses us?" The only thing I could think to say was, "Why wouldn't she--we're her Mommy and Daddy?" Not a minute goes by without us thinking her. The shower is my biggest enemy. Alone with my thoughts, I break in the shower. Pretty much every day. I've gotten to where I dread my shower time every day. I know what will happen. I start thinking too much and end up drenched in the water and my tears.
So, what kinds of emotions does a parent who lost a child experience? Pretty much any emotion you can feel. Most days, I feel lucky. Lucky that I had such a beautiful child. But that feeling brings sadness because it makes me think of how much time I will lose with her. It makes me think of all the moments that most parents have their children that I will never have Allie. I feel guilty a lot. Not because I could have done anything to prevent it or stop it. I know I couldn't. More because I am healthy. Jealous. I see parents with their kids and I feel that twinge of jealousy. Tonight, I watched a baby sleeping innocently in his baby carrier at Abuelos while his parents ate dinner. He looked to me about six months old. By the time she was six months, Allie had spent almost two months in a hospital room. On the ship, there was a wife of a crew member there with their two children. The youngest was misbehaving at the dinner table out by the pool. The mother looked frustrated and frazzled. She threw a look at her friend as if to say, "This child's driving me NUTS!" Its a common look every parent feels, right? What I would give to have that look on my face right now. I had to resist the urge to go and tell her how lucky she was that her child was sitting at the dinner table being a pill over eating and generally aggravating her. I feel anger--not at God, Allie, or any person at all. At leukemia. At this crappy disease that took my baby and that has hurt my friend. At a disease that is so horrible. Angry that it not only happened to my little girl, but to any child. I feel hopeful at times. Hopeful for happiness for my family at times. I know that Allie is with us and always will be so long as we keep her alive in our hearts and thoughts. I'm hopeful that our fundraising and efforts awareness will make a difference. At times, I even feel just numb. Void of emotions, entirely unable to feel. That's a protection mechanism. I get like that when I am guarding myself from feeling the others. I can be mid conversation with someone, perfectly fine and fairly happy, then all of a sudden, my voice will begin to trail off. My train of thought is gone and I'm no longer happy. That happens at least once or twice a day.
Our upcoming weeks should keep us very busy. Dana and I are hard at work with fundraising for LTN. We plan to go to meet with Jason at LLS on Monday to discuss some details. Jason is the coordinator of LTN in North Texas and has been so kind and helpful with our team. I start subbing this week. Andrew returns to his job either Monday or Tues, not sure which. I don't think I will sub until Thurs or Fri. I for sure have a job for Fri. I don't want to work on Wed., as that is her one month anniversary. For Andrew, working Wed. isn't quite as difficult. He is returning to his job, going back with people he knows. I am starting over. I'm even going to a regular job in a permanent setting. I have no real position and I float around to different classrooms and different schools. I don't know the kids. Its different from teaching like I have done. Its all new for me. So, starting on the anniversary of Allie's passing doesn't seem like a good plan for me. Emotionally, I don't know if I can handle it. Instead, I will spend the day keeping busy. I hope to go to 12th South and visit too. Probably meet Andrew for lunch.
I started this journal over an hour ago. I've stopped several times to wipe tears and regroup. Its now 12:40am. I have another busy day tomorrow--visiting Sammy, maybe going to a movie with Debbie, seeing Mike and Angela, and squeezing in some cleaning and laundry. My house is still a mess. We accumulated so much stuff in the five months in the hospital. I have so much to go through. There are just boxes in our front room. Oh, before I end, I wanted to mention Sam. After mom and Bill picked us up Friday night, we called Dana. My original plan was to show up where they were having dinner to surprise her. However, a glitch with our luggage kept us at the airport longer. So, we called her. When I heard her voice I told her, "Enough Europe was enough Europe." She responded, "Get over here NOW!!!" So we met them at Maguire's for dessert and drinks. Dana called Alex, who was babysitting, and asked if Sam was still up. 10:30, yeah, he's still up. Good, we had a surprise for him. We pull up to the Eisenberg used parking lot, aka their driveway, and see Alex and a little man in the doorway. I think it took us all a second to realize this pot belly kid was our Sammy! Dana isn't kidding when she writes of his size! Those cheeks! And that belly! She pops his stomach and says, "Pop goes the weasel!" His jet black peach fuzz is the softest ever. You could spend hours rubbing his hair. He looks puffed up, but he is beautiful as ever. He is Sam.
Sam was very happy to see us. He gave me a huge hug, let me pick him up and stroked my face. Then he realized, wait, Mommy said a surprise. "Where's my surprise Mommy." Human beings don't make good surprises to three year olds. "Jenny and Andrew are NOT a surprise, Mommy!" God love those steroids. Poor guy can't handle his emotions and he just melted. He admitted to being tired, but was willing to give me a hug goodbye and watched us leave the driveway. Tomorrow, we get the honor and privilege of seeing the swingset. Maybe he'll even let me take a turn swinging. We'll see how his mood is.
Goodnight everyone. Time for Allie dreams.
Tuesday, Oct. 5th--
Midnight, Malta time--Change of plans. When I become a rich woman, I will have a residence in both Eze AND Malta, a small island about 90 miles from Sicily. What a city! Granted, I would probably have to be in better shape as a lot of it is fairly hilly with lots of stairs! We were tired after exploring the city. When offered a horse drawn carriage ride through the city, we decided to go for it. My calves are thankful. Plus, it was a pretty and romantic way to see the city.
Dana's words of "enough Europe is enough Europe" started to ring true with us this afternoon. I don't know what it was but we both caught a bit of a foul mood. Neither of us could shake it. For about two hours, we kept saying, "I want to go home." We even contemplated changing our flight home to go back sooner instead of spending the extra days in Rome. Finally, we make a conscience effort to stop whining and went to bingo with the oldies. So, the other day, ice cream brought me out of my funk. Today, bingo with a roomful of oldies did the trick for the both of us. What does that say about us? No need for your answers.
Tomorrow is our final day on the ship. We are sailing all day, trying to keep busy with the buffets for breakfast, and lunch, and bingo with the oldies (we had such a good time with it today, and more importantly, the jackpot is $3,000, though I'm not getting my hopes up). On Thursday, we arrive in Civitavecchia, the closest port to Rome. Everyone must get off the ship and either go to the airport or the train station. We will be staying in a hotel (thanks ACIS!) close to the Termini Station in Rome. I look forward to revisiting some of the places we went on the last trip-the Colosseum, the Forum, the Vatican, Villa Borghese (a huge park behind the Spanish steps). Andrew is on a mission to find a particular restaurant we ate at the last time we were there. We had been walking after going to the park trying to find our way back to the hotel. We were a bit lost then, so I have no idea if we will find it again. Andrew claims he knows "exactly where it is." If I said, I could just about guarantee you I was clueless (very directionally challenged), but Andrew just may know where it is.
I don't know whether or not we will have internet access in Rome, so this may be my last post until Tuesday of next week. For now, I'll post a few pictures and call it night. All in all, this has been a wonderful cruise. Exactly what we needed. Our escape, our xanadu. Next cruise, we're going with Mike and Angela! That will be fun, huh guys? Hey, we could even bring the bubs!
Love you mom, Jenny
Sat. Oct. 2nd-- 9:15pm Livorno Time--
Tomorrow is a day at sea without any port stops. Thank goodness because our feet are tired and sore! The last two days have been great but with heavy amounts of walking. Starting with yesterday...
We met up with the other couple John and Jessica early for breakfast before leaving for the Principality of Monaco. Monaco in its entirety, including Monte Carlo, is smaller than Central Park in New York City. However, inside that small area is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. My best two words to describe it is posh and clean. Huge, fancy yachts in the harbor with clean pretty buildings surrounding the port. The Prince's Palace is perched on top of a hill, better known as "the Rock." We climbed up the steps and turned to a breathtaking view of Monte Carlo and the ocean below. At 11:55am, we joined the large crowd of people from all over the world to watch the elaborate changing of the guard ceremony in front of the palace.
A short train ride was next to get us into Nice, France. I liked Nice. First time I had ever been there. The four of us lunched in Nice, walked around a bit, then caught a train heading back to Monaco. Before arriving there, we stopped off in a small city on the coast of France called Eze-Sur-Mer. When I become a rich woman, I'm moving there. The village of Eze itself is a bus ride away on the cliffs. Its an ancient medieval village that overlooks the ocean. Due to the amount of fog, we could not go. We stayed near the train station, walking down to the rocky shoreline. About fifty feet into the water was a rock jutting out just a bit. Out of boredom, or gosh, I don't really know why, we all started picking up rocks and aiming at the rock in the water. Not to any surprise of mine, I was terrible. Andrew threw the best out of all four of us, making contact several times. I liked the feeling of giggling and laughing at something as simple as throwing rocks into the ocean.
We were in bed and asleep b 9:30 last night knowing that today would be another busy day. We docked in Livorno, Italy, a large port city near both Pisa and Florence. Early this morning, we took a bus transfer to Florence to spend the day. Florence is in the heart of Tuscany. Frescoed walls, lush trees, and multi-colored marble. I was in a foul mood when we arrived to Florence. I've struggled with sleeping the last few nights. I dream of Allie then toss and turn for a while afterwards. The dreams are never bad. They are usually happy memories or times set in the future (ie Allie age three). We walked by the church, down by the river, then found a spot on the bridge to sit and look at the view. Tears flowed down my cheek. Sitting in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home, with my family, holding my daughter.
My mood wasn't getting any better, but I told myself that I had to try to make the most of my day. I couldn't just sit in Italy and cry. We walked to the end of the bridge and found a little restaurant with a gelato bar in front. What I love about Italy--gelato. Seeing Florence, talking to my husband, thinking of the baby, nothing improved my mood, but a scoop of chocolate chip Italian ice cream did wonders.
We spent the day walking around Florence visiting the market, the cathedral, and the church that houses the tombs of Michaelangelo, Donatello, Machiavelli, and Dante. We bought two watercolor paintings and some hand carved wooden giraffe figurines. If I ever get the chance again, I will return to Florence.
On the bus ride back to the ship, we talked a lot about Sam. We smiled at the memory of him jumping up and down whenever he would get excited. My favorite was a time in the hallway when we brought "Awwie" out of her room. Sam squealed with delight. I think he was more excited at having her out of the room than any of the rest of us. The sweetest part was when he exclaimed, "oh look--her hair is growing back!" How observant of a three year old kid. We miss seeing him and want him to be doing well. I was so excited to read that he got his new playset. No two children deserve it more than Sam and Ethan. Sometimes I think people don't remember that not only are the Eisenbergs juggling the fear of their sick child in the air, but they also have to balance his healthy twin brother. Ethan is a special "little man," as I like to call Sam, too. They may have come from the same two parents and have been born at the same time, but these two little men have very distinct personalities. I look forward to getting to know Ethan better when we get back. Dana e-mailed me saying "enough Europe is enough Europe!" I miss you too Dana!
Tonight, we're in our room watching movies. We brought DVD's from home, so we watched the Family Man on our laptop. The ship gives plays four different movies a day. Right now, Andrew is watching the Godfather as I am typing my journal. We have no plans tomorrow, but I know we will try to simply relax and take it easy.
I was wrong on the date for www.voteforallie.com. The spaghetti dinner and fundraiser is Sunday, Oct. 3rd in Plano. This is the last fundraising effort to help pay Allie's medical bills. We haven't got a final bill in yet, but we know it will be big. Yes, we have insurance that will cover the bulk of the expenses, but they will battle some things as well. I'm not looking forward to those bills.
If you are registered to walk with us for Light the Night, you have up until the day of the event to get your fundraising money turned in. Many of you set up websites for your friends and family to donate to like we have. However, if you are collecting cash or checks, you can turn them in early to avoid the lines on the day of the event. Dana posted information about the dates on her Sat. post. Please check her post for all the info. We are looking forward to Light the Night and hope you are too. Please keep up with your fundraising. Our goal has been increased to $75,000! I think we can exceed that if we keep trying.
On a final note--Happy Birthday to my brother Jeremy!! I think this is the first time I've ever missed your birthday. I love you so much Bubby. See you when we get back.
Miss you mom, Jenny Thursday, Sept. 31 10:35pm Marseille time--
Kristen, the shirts are fantastic! Andrew and I had quite a laugh when we saw that there are actually shirts for dogs with the 12 South Angels logo on it! What every fashionable dog needs. For those of you planning on walking with our 12 South team,be sure to check our www.cafepress.com/allieandsam for your t-shirts for the walk. I highly recommend you order as soon as, well lets say, today to get your shirts in time for the walk. Maybe expressing your deliver would help. We had t-shirts donated to share between us and the Eisenberg clan.
Here's the latest for the ship.... We met a nice couple, John and Jessica, the other day. Tonight, we invited them to join us at our table in the Lido Restaurant, the casual buffet style restaurant, for dessert. They are very kind. They humored us by listening to our story of Allie. A bit of a condensed version, but even that one takes a while. Jessica wasn't feeling well, so Andrew and I offered to bring her some of our nyquil to help her get a good night's rest before a day of touring Monaco tomorrow. After checking the website, my e-mail, and of course, Sam and Fieldon's sites, we went to their room with the medicine. We visited for about thirty minutes before leaving them to go eat more ice cream.
I swear, if my rear end is three times bigger when we get back home, I will not be surprised at all. All I do is eat around here! Staying on ship can be very dangerous for me (and my butt!). Late night snack is now a part of my vocabulary. Seriously, who really needs pizza at 11 at night or an ice cream sundae at midnight? But, its there in case any traveler feels that particular craving.
Today, we docked in Marseille, France. Marseille is the oldest city in France and the most important port city. Its very industrial. Instead of staying in town, we opted to take one of the excursions to Aix-en-Provence about twenty minutes away. The quintessential French town. It has its modern parts as well as an older parts of the city. Its the perfect walking city as their are areas without much traffic at all. The colors of the fabrics, the smell of the lavender, and the ambience of the town makes you want to stay for days.
Coming back to the ship this afternoon, my felt tired and our feet were sore. It may have something to do with the fact that we walk way too much in Barcelona, that's just a guess. A nap was the perfect remedy. Apparently, we were more tired than we thought--we took over a three hour nap! I can't remember the last time we took that long of a nap! I would try to nap with Allie, but I usually woke up from some interruption or another. I woke up to Andrew telling me we missed our dinner time at the Vista Lounge (our dinner time is set for 5:45--way too early for us, but that was all they had left with such a late booking for the trip). Not to worry too much, the Lido Restaurant serves buffet style food from 6:30-10, so we would still get our chance for eating.
I was so happy to read that both Sam and Fieldon are home with their families. After all that the boys have gone through, they deserve to be home with their families trying to become "normal children." Fieldon's giant hurdle is his need to eat. He relies almost entirely on his belly port, and vomits quite a bit still.
I miss Annie and Dana so much. Andrew and I talk about them, their husbands Jack and Dennis, and the kids all the time. We see things and think of them. All the art reminds me of Annie, who is a former art teacher before becoming the awesome mommy that she is. I was standing looking at the works of Antonio Gaudi in Barcelona and thinking about my friend Annie Ormond. I see people passing by me on the ship or go somewhere that needs a little "livening up," I think of Dana. Who knew these women would have such a profound effect on my life?
Our main topics of conversation during the day include Allie (well, duh, right?), our friends from 12th South, our friends from home, our families, and our doctors and nurses. I think of the nurses often. Last night, Andrew wanted to teach me how to play roulette. I have never played before. We went to the ship's casino to play being careful to only allow ourselves to lose $20 (we lost about ten times that playing the slots, so now we are trying to be careful). We sat down at the roulette table to a pretty young blond girl whose named tag read Michaela. My mind floated thousands of miles over the ocean to 12th South where Allie's nurse Karen is expecting to give birth to her own Michaela (maybe a blond too, but she'll definitely be a beauty). Playing roulette last night, all I could think about was the nurses. They all ran through my head--Marlene, Cindy, Beth, Lourdes, Karen, Kochumol, Michelle, Jasvir, Katie, Anne, and all the others. If any nurses are reading this, which I know some do since I read the guestbook tonight, please know that you are in our thoughts. We miss you and love you.
Oh, on Thursday, I listed all our thank yous. However, I left off the Murphy family. How could I have forgotten the family that has practically adopted my first baby? Thank you so much, Murphys, for your taking care of our Brandy. We never worry about her when she is with you because we know that she is getting the very best, loving care. I hope we will be able to return the favor with Rocky and Penne, even if its for a few days. It would be our honor.
Wednesday, Sept. 30th--
**12 South Angels Walkers--please note the link for t-shirts above. Thank you, Kristin Smith, for handling this for our team.
**Don't forget, www.voteforallie.com--fundraiser is this Sat. in Plano!
10:00pm Barcelona time--Barcelona by foot. The entire city. Most of the people on the ship (remember, we're "crusin' with the oldies!") took bus tours or expensive excursions with guides. Not us. We took a map, and off we went. A shuttle bus dropped off us at the Christopher Columbus statue near the water. I wanted to see some of the big architectural buildings of Antonio Gaudi. Gaudi was creating works in the late 1800 that was way ahead of his time. The cathedral was said to be his life's work. I wanted to see it.
It was across town! It took us about two hours by foot, stopping in a smaller cathedral and other pretty sites along the way. As we walked up near it, we noticed cranes. Great, they were doing repairs on the outside. Still, you could see Gaudi's work and his designs in the structure of the building. We've been in Europe before when restoration was happening out the outside edifices. I think most of the times I've seen Notre Dame in Paris, there has been some time of scaffolding. No big deal. So, we paid our 8 Euro a person entrance fee to go inside. And what did we find? More scaffolding!! Pieces of the mosaic wall from the center of the cathedral sitting in piles behind the construction. Slightly disappointing.
Other than that issue, Barcelona was fabulous. We saw many other buildings by Gaudi that I really liked. Made me think of my father in law, Drew. He would love this city and all the art here. After walking back from the cathedral, we detoured to the Arch of Triumph, a red bricked arch that leads into an open area of benches. No cars allowed (which is good because European traffic can be a frightening thing!). The park behind the arch was probably our highlight of the day. We saw beautiful statues, museums, buildings, but the best part was when we went to the zoo. Never far from our hearts, we were missing Allie. So, we visited the "Sophies," better known as the giraffes. We saw a few other animals, but the giraffes were really what we wanted to see.
After almost six hours of continuous walking, we ended our walking tour of Barcelona and headed back to our ship. Besides having dinner and being down here in the internet cafe right now, we stayed lazy in our room.
Tomorrow, its on to stop in Marseille, France, where we will take a day trip to Aix-en-Provence. We go then to Monte Carlo, Monaco. I think I will end now and head off to bed. Enjoy the pictures.
Monday, Sept. 28th Journal written last night, Sunday, but I didn't have internet yet to post it. My brilliant husband figured it out!
Cruising down the Mediterrean Sea is surreal. I’m on the vacation of my dreams; the one I’ve always wanted to go on. But my thoughts drift to another place. Our room is smaller than good old room 1203, but it is much cozier. There are no pumps, no beeping, and no machines. The only person, besides us, that comes in this room brings chocolate mints for our pillow and cleans up after us. Yet, the biggest difference between the two places is the absence of my 24 lb of sunshine, my gorgeous baby girl. In room 1203, I could hold her in my arms. Here in room 7028, I can hold a necklace with her picture on it and think of her. In either place, I hold her in my heart.
A much needed vacation and time away. There’s no agenda whatsoever. We can do everything we want or nothing at all. Today was a day for nothing at all.
Its our second day on the ship, ten more to go. Getting here was interesting. Our flight leaving Dallas was at 11:30am. We left our house at 7:45 to get there with plenty of time and get through morning traffic. We flew to Atlanta and had a two and a half hour layover. That wasn’t so bad, considering that after the 8 and a half hour flight to Paris, we had another 4 hour layover. When we got off the plane, there was a man standing with a sign for Lisbon, our next city. We followed him, along with a crowd of old people. I mean, really old people. And every one of them with a tag that read Westerdam, Holland America. Of yeah, they were all going on the cruise. The man with the Lisbon sign whisked us through the customs line nice and quick. Andrew and I hate lines and have little patience with crowds. We didn’t mind following him. We discovered a little too late that he was shuffling people through to catch the early flight to Lisbon that was set to leave in fifteen minutes. Our flight wasn’t for over four hours. We entered the terminal close to our gate, and turned around. There was no exit! We were stuck by the gate for four solid hours, with nothing to do. There were shops outside the gated area, but we couldn’t get there. By the time we boarded the plane to Lisbon, we were tired and bored. My hair is not the kind that travels well. A shower was the only thing on my mind. I had forgotten about the ships and the cruise. Shampoo and conditioner had replaced those thoughts.
Lisbon is a breathtaking city. We didn’t see much of it, only what we saw from the bus and the ship. The ship itself may be even more breathtaking. There is not a spot on this ship that isn’t a sight to see. It’s absolutely massive, bigger than anything I’ve ever seen before. I’m sure for those people that have been on numerous cruise ships, the size isn’t so big. For me, this is my first cruise, and wow is the best word I can find to describe it.
Our room is small, but perfect for us. We have a king sized bed, a decent sized bathroom, small sitting area with a couch and coffee table and balcony with two chairs. When we arrived in the room, we saw a bottle of champagne and a plate of chocolate covered strawberries. Our friends Mike and Angela Krieger had thoughtfully ordered that for our arrival. What a sweet gesture, Mike and Angela, we loved it! The Westerdam is Holland America’s newest ship, only three months on sea so far. Everything is new, detailed, and beautiful.
Today, the ship stopped in Cueta, Spanish Morocco, for a scheduled maintenance stop. To get to the city, we could take small boats, known as Tenders, to the land. Andrew and I decided to give it a try. We took the short ten minute ride to the shore, walked up to the main part of the city, turned around and walked right back on a tender. Being Sunday, the shops were all closed. The fog was thick and there wasn’t much to see. Today’s port wasn’t really one of interest. The employees were shocked to see that we, along with one other couple, had already returned. When one asked why, I answered, “oh, we’re done. We’ve seen it all.” Too many good things to do right here on the ship. One being the big fat nap we took this afternoon.
Tonight was a formal night. Andrew wore a dark suit, maroon shirt, and a tie. I wore a maroon top with gray embroidery and sequins and slim black pants. Dress up isn’t really our style, but it felt good to look nice. We enjoyed our early dinner (the only time slot available since we signed up for this cruise with such late notice), went to the casino for the third time today (only lost a $100 total, so I’m not too disappointed) and then caught the evening show at 8:30. As soon as the show ended, we went straight back to our room to change back into casual clothing. We were one of the only people to be in t-shirts, but we didn’t care. T-shirts are much more comfortable.
I’ve quickly learned that on a cruise, it’s all about the food. I think all I’ve done today is eat, including the late night “snack” of fish and chips, and a hot fudge sundae. Five course meals every evening. Our waiter, Sang, does such a great job of anticipating our needs. We wait for nothing. Sang fusses at Andrew every time he picks up a plate from our table. “You not finish this one either, Andrew!” Little does he know that Andrew very rarely finishes all his dinner. Me, on the other hand…well, lets just say that I don’t leave food on my plate all too often (which is why my pants are surprisingly getting a little tighter). I may gain an extra fifteen pounds by the end of this trip. OK, the diet starts Oct. 11th!
Being that our age is less than sixty, the staff smiles sweetly at us and asks, “Ah, honeymooners?” We always smile and politely say no. Poor Sang, in the attempt for conversation, asked us all about our home life. Any children? Yes, one. “Only one? How long you been married?” Five years. “Oh, you need more children!” That was last night. Tonight, it was, “So, how old your one child?” Here we go. I was upfront and honest with him. I told him very briefly that the reason we are cruising is because our infant of 8 months and 27 days passed away 13 days ago. I noticed the tears come down his face as he apologized profusely to us.
Being on this cruise is the best thing we could be doing for ourselves right now. Allie is never far from our thoughts. When we drank our champagne, we toasted to her life, to old memories, and to new memories to come. I cried on our balcony as the ship began to move for the first time yesterday. It was symbolic to me that we too were moving on with our lives. Not moving away from Allie, just on from that chapter. She will follow us wherever we go.
Tomorrow, we stop in Almeria, Spain. I don’t know how much time we will spend on shore. The highlight of the day for us is a couple’s massage at the Greenhouse Spa in the afternoon. Sara, someone from the MSN board, generously went online and made a donation for us to have this massage. Thank you so much, Sara. We really appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Being that I’ve just written half a novel instead of a short journal entry, and that it is almost one in the morning, I’m off to bed. Hopefully, I’ll meet my girl in my dreams.
Goodnight, Jenny
Thursday, Sept, 22nd--
12:00am--"Well, my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." Yes, I am ready! We set sail this weekend for our 12 day cruise and 3 days in Rome. We've finished packing, got information to our family, taken the Brandy to Camp Murphy, and coordinated with our friend to move in to our house. Everything is set. Two weeks of escape. Um...a massage! Looking forward to that. I am planning on posting a few times during the vacation. Journaling is still my outlet, so I will need it even on the trip.
Dana's computer is down today. Here's an update on Sam. Sam had a rough day today. They had originally thought they were going to go home tomorrow. Dr. Goldman prescribed for Sam liquid morphine that could be used instead of fentanyl, which is IV only, for pain. He is completely on oral meds now. Dana told me tonight that they had a really difficult afternoon, including three hours of intense belly pain for Sam. The liquid morphine didn't cut it. Eventually, the nurse had to call the doc for fentanyl. Looks like he will not go home tomorrow. Dana, understandably, wants to feel assured that his pain can be managed before she takes him home. She does not want to have to go home only to bounce right back in to the hospital. Should all go well, they hope to be home by the end of the weekend or early next week. Its been three weeks.
I did speak to "the little man" this morning. He greeted me with "Oh HI JENNY!" with lots of enthusiasm in his voice. He told me of his new toys, and that he would really love to have my mom come and babysit him again. Too cute!
Light the Night is quickly coming upon us! Kristin Smith has been working hard to get t-shirts put together for our team. I will post information as soon as I have it. Our team, 12 South Angels has already raised over $61,000. Please be sure that you have registered for our team if you would like to walk with us on Oct. 23rd. Everyone is welcome. Get your money in that you have raised. Set your own personal goals of how much you would like to raise.
Another fundraising event coming up is www.voteforallie.com. This is a spaghetti dinner along with booths for prizes, arts and crafts for kids, a blood drive, and bone marrow registry on Sat. Oct. 3rd in Plano. See the website for details. Seems to be a really great fundraiser as well as a fun opportunity for families. Andrew and I will still be in Europe, but I know some of our family members are going to try to be in attendance. I look forward to seeing the pictures.
OK, for my serious topic of the night...
For the first time since Allie's death, I went in to her room tonight. It wasn't easy, but I need to do it. I needed to see those things before I left. Her room is beautiful. Feminine and sweet, but not too "girly." Light green with white wainscotting and bunnies! Bunnies were the theme (who would have known that she didn't give a flip about the bunnies--she preferred the giraffes!). Looked like something straight out of a pottery barn kids catalog. Here are some pictures of her room before we had completed it:
When I entered her room, I melted to the floor. I sat there holding her nightgown, smelling her bath soap (we moved most of Allie's things in her room) and pushing the baby swing. I felt her there with me. It was harder than I thought, but comforting at the same time. Being anywhere that reminds me of Allie can be painful, but it helps me see the good and beauty of her life.
Some of her items, we will never use again. The bunny theme room was hers. I found it in the catalog about a week after finding out I was pregnant. Silly, but I knew I wanted to have a girl right at that moment. I had to have that set. Once I found out we were having a baby girl, my mom and I went straight to Pottery Barn! However, I will not keep it for another child. To me, that set means Allie. The wainscotting will stay, but the walls will eventually be repainted, as will the dresser and toy chest. I don't want to get rid of those items, but I refuse to do the repainting. I painted them the first time with such love and excitement. I was so proud of them that I showed everyone who came over my work. I don't want to give them away, but I don't want to have a hand in their change. Does that make any sense?
One day soon, Andrew and I will have other children. I honestly don't think it will be too long before we do. I hope not. Not because I want to replace Allie, trust me, that is NOT possible. We know that we were born to be parents. We want chil |
