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Copyright 2004 All Rights Reserved Jenny and Andrew Scott (c)
Heroes for Children's official website is up!
Our official Friends of Allie website for Light the Night with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
Order your calendars and cookbooks right away!! www.cafepress.com/raiseawareness
Other Jenny Posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Wednesday, May 4th--
3:00pm--Anniversaries are a time for reflection. Andrew and I always discuss our marriage and our last year spent together on our anniversary. It is a time for people to think of the things that happened.
Today is the anniversary of Allie's cancer diagnosis. At 4:32pm, Dr. Lenarksy gave us the news we had been dreading all day--Allie had leukemia. But it didn't start on May 4th. It started two weeks earlier....
I took Allison to her first of five doctor's appointments on a Monday morning. She was irritable and cranky, very unusual for her. I was sick myself and had scheduled appointments for us both. As soon as we entered the doctor's office, the crying began. She cried, and cried, and cried. She screamed through her exam with the pediatrician, screamed when she got her antibiotic shots, and even screamed through a regular old diaper change. By the time we left the doctor's office to head off to my appointment, I was exhausted and she was fast asleep. White blood cells were evident in her urine, a common sign that there is a urinary tract infection. She had been given a shot of antibiotics and they were culturing her urine. Results came back the next day negative. Andrew took her Wed. of that week because she was still sick. They saw the other pediatrician in the practice that day. Allie was presenting the symptoms of a common viral infection. Tylenol, motrin, rest. The next day was her scheduled "well" visit for being a four month old. She was off the charts in her height and weight! Imagine that, right? She looked great. Dr. Katz and I sat discussing our travel arrangements with taking the baby with us on our upcoming trip to France with my students.
The following week, we went in on Monday because she was still no better. Andrew and I went together. "Do either of you have sinus issues?" Andrew does very severely. That's it, a sinus infection. Two prescriptions were written and we were headed back home. Allie perked up on the medicine and started feeling better for a few days. By the weekend; however, her fevers were back.
Monday, May 3rd, 2004--A normal Monday morning routine. I'm dragging, not wanting out of my bed, as usual. Andrew feeds Allie, diapers her, and gets her dressed in the outfit I picked out. I packed her bag for the day, kissed her goodbye, and headed off to school. Fifteen school days left!! My kids were as thrilled to hear that news as I was to say it! We finished a new concept that day that was the final new topic of the year. I remember saying, "That's it guys, we're done! For the next three weeks, we are reviewing, taking oral exams, and then finals and we're out of here!" Fourth period--the phone rings. Andrew says, "Well, honey, Angela just called me. The baby has a 104.5 degree fever. Something is not right with her. She's sleeping all day. I called the ped. office and Dr. Katz is booked today, but they have us an appointment with Dr. McDonald." I hung up the phone and told my kids that Allie was still sick. "She's been sick a lot," one of my 8th graders said. "Yeah, I know, I don't know what's going on. So, you know, I'm going to just keep her home tomorrow. Maybe she just needs to spend a day at home with Mama. But don't worry guys, I'll see you on Wednesday." Little did I know.....
At 4:15, we both arrived at the doctor's office. Andrew picked up the baby on his way in, noticing a small rash the top of her head. By the time she made it to me, her rash was to her forehead. I started to worry. We went in to a patient room. Her rash was now mid way down her face. Dr. McDonald came in to examine her. Checking her ears caused her to SCREAM!! My poor baby--something was definitely wrong. The rash was down to her chin. To help us find out what exactly was causing the problem, Dr. McDonald sent us across the hallway to another office for a chest x-ray. While waiting, a nurse came to take her blood. I spent time holding her and scrambling to find a substitute for my classes for the next day. All the normal subs were already booked. Dr. McDonald came across the hall and asked us if we had already had our x-ray. No, not yet. "As soon as you do, I need you to come straight back to my office, I need to speak with you." "Is something wrong with Allie?" "Well, I'm not positive, but I don't like what I'm seeing." Panic takes over me. I'm crying and unable to control my fear. Andrew holds Allie down during her chest x-ray while I rinse my face and attempt to compose myself. Not an easy task.
The walk back in to that office is something I will never forget. All the nurses watched us, shaking their heads. We walked in to the room again to see both Dr. McDonald and Dr. Katz. They closed the door. Looking at her bloodwork, they felt that the baby might have leukemia. It could still be a severe viral infection, but it could be as serious as leukemia. They had already called us in at Medical City and booked us an appointment with Dr. Lenarsky for 8am the next morning. They told us to go home, pack a bag, and head straight to the hospital. I looked down and Allie's rash was now to her chest. What the hell was going on???? On the drive back, which we rode together instead of taking the two separate cars we came in, we made some calls. Mike was going to meet us at our house to take Brandy home with him. I called my department head and good friend Andy to say that I wouldn't be working at all that week and that I had left nothing prepared. My mom was meeting us at our house.
We all drove to Medical City, fearing the worst. We stayed in the ER for several hours until they transferred Allie to the Pediatric ICU. It was almost eleven at night. Everyone left but me and Andrew. By 2am, no one had been successful in starting an IV on the baby (she had veins like her mother!), so it was time to sew them in as a temporary line right under her left shoulder. The doctor said we could not be present during the thirty minute procedure and escorted us to the waiting room. With Andrew's encouragement, I laid down to attempt a nap. My intention had been to sleep only until they came to tell me I could go back and see her. I woke up at 5 in a panic, scared of my surroundings. I was upset that the nurses never came to got me. What I later learned was that two nurses tried to wake me up. The nudged me, talked to me, etc, and I wouldn't move. So, they made sure I was breathing, and decided I needed the sleep! I stayed in Allies room in a chair watching her while she slept. Why was my baby so sick? What had happened?
Tues. May 4, 2004--Susan, our kind and compassionate PICU nurse showed me the baby's hands and feet. She was worried. Allie's body was showing signs of shutting down due to lack of blood products and severe anemia (along with the cancer and all the other crap!). We had to get a blood transfusion in her immediately. If we didn't we were going to lose her. It is moments like these that I am so grateful to people who selflessly donate their blood. Sometimes, patients have to wait hours for blood or longer because of low supply. We were told that Allie didn't have hours unless she had that transfusion. Someone else's blood that day gave my doctor the chance to continue living. I will never know that person, but I will ALWAYS be grateful.
Her rash had now covered her entire tummy and was spreading to her legs.
Andrew and I met Dr. Carl Lenarsky early that Tuesday morning. I remember his words--"Looking at this child's blood, I would say this is a baby with leukemia. Looking at her in person, her rash, her age, the fact that you have been sick, I am hoping that this is a severe viral infection gone bad." The only way to know was a sophisticated test of her blood called flowcytometry done at UT Southwestern. Results take all day if not longer. Now, we were forced to wait.
People started flowing in to the waiting. All our closest friends, family, and co-workers were worried. They called and came to visit with us. At times, it was too overwhelming, and I would hide in Allie's room saying I didn't want to leave her side. I was scared. What had I done to make my daughter sick? If she had a viral infection, it was my fault. I had been sick for weeks, unable to recooperate because I was working all day and being a mom at night. I had given her something. It was my fault, I just knew it. It took a long time for me to get rid of that guilt and realize I didn't do anything to her. No one did. There was no one to blame for her illness, except the damn cancer.
During the day, Dr. Lenarsky came in with Dr. Goldman to meet us, and then later, Dr. Weinthal, his two partners. At the time, I thought it was nice that they were having someone else examine her. What I didn't realize then was that they were bringing us into their system and their group.
At 4:32 pm, the news we had been dreading all day came in. Andrew and I were standing next to Allie's crib. Several of our family members were looking through the main ICU doors into our room across the hall. Dr. Lenarsky gently said that Allie had leukemia. My legs gave way. I braced myself on her crib and fell into Andrew. Our baby had cancer! Looking to the main entrance, I saw Frances staring in at us and crying. She knew from seeing our reaction. We asked to move to a private area with the doctor to hear all the specifics. I sat numb and listening to the words I never thought I would hear for my child--chemotherapy, transfusions, transplant, chances of survival, etc. Dr. Lenarsky's kindness came through in how calmly he explained everything. After spending a significant amount of time with us, he asked, "what can I do for you now?" Knowing that around fifteen people were waiting for the earth shattering news and that we may not get through the explanation, we asked Lenarsky if he would be willing to share the news with our family.
Slowly, we walked towards the waiting room. I looked at all our loving family and said, "Well, Allie has......leukemia" through my tears. Dr. Lenarsky began his explanation. People questioned everything. At one point, he said, "Please ask. Ask me anything. I will NOT leave until you dismiss me." He stayed with us and answered our questions with details and explanations that came down to our level (I'm most certainly not science minded).
It's been a year. I remember the details so vividly. I remember the pain, the emotion, the stress, and most especially the fear. I remember Andrew's face in pain every time he looked at the baby. A father's job is protect his children. When you are unable to protect your children because the situation is out of your hands, helplessness kicks in. It hurt me to see my baby hooked to tubes and being pumped with medication. It hurt me to see my other love, my husband, hurt so deeply for his little girl.
Allie's rash scared me. She looked horrid. I kept focusing on the way she looked physically--the rash, the swelling, the redness. Dr. Lenarsky said it was simply "cosmetic," a drug reaction to the amoxicillin she was on. Looking back, I think it was easier for me to focus on how she looked then the reality of her cancer.
The other night, I said to Andrew "Geez, when we pledged for better or for worse--we weren't kidding. We've certainly had our fair share of for worse!" Andrew looked honestly at me and said, "Baby, we've had A LOT more for better." Damn right we have. And even in the last year. We have beautiful memories, fun times that had us laughing hysterically with the baby, and times filled with more loved than I could have ever ask for in my life. Andrew told me the other day that it bothers him when people say how depressing our story is. We aren't depressed. Sure, we get sad at times. We miss our baby, but we aren't depressed. We are BLESSED. Blessed that we had her for the 8 months 27 days we did. Blessed that we were her parents. And very blessed that we get the opportunity to be parents again to this little man.
Allie taught me to be a mother. Lucky for Drew. He will know so much love, and I know it is because of his angel sister and the lessons of love she taught to us.
So now, when I dream, I dream of my girl and my love, and for my boy and our future with him.
I'm off to dream of my children. --Jenny
Sweet dreams, Allie Cat. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for all my lessons. Thank you for my last year and for showing me true strength and beauty. Thank you for giraffes, raspberries, fat rolls, and unconditional love. --Mama
Saturday, April 30th--
10:00am--I had a sonogram yesterday called an NT sonogram. It's a special one that measures something on the back of the baby's necks. Combined with a finger stick of my blood, they send these off to determine Down Syndrome in the baby. Interesting the way science advances. I don't remember this test even two years ago with Allie.
I'm now thirteen weeks pregnant. Amazingly enough, our awesome sonographer could tell the sex of the baby! Andrew wasn't there with me, so I asked her NOT to tell me. Instead, I had her put it in an envelope for us to open together later on. Dana; however, couldn't be as patient. Knowing the time of my sonogram, she called my cell phone as I was in the room. "Hi, let me talk to Patsy, please." Laughing and fully aware of why she was talking to Patsy, I handed the phone over. Dana told her "OK, say 21 if it's a girl, and 31 if its a boy." I couldn't hear Dana of course, but I knew this was what was happening. "31," Patsy said, "I'm not 100% confident, as its still pretty early, but I feel good about that assessment."
Did you catch that? We're aren't painting a room yet, and we will still have another sonogram to verify first, but tentatively, "fairly confident," IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!
I'll be honest, we were surprised. I think we all thought it was a girl. That's all we know. It's been the same pregnancy as Allie, including all the vomiting. I just assumed it was a girl. Disappointed? Absolutely NOT. We're thrilled! A boy is a new adventure, a fresh start. Everything will be different. We now don't have to worry about things like keeping Allie's clothes or her room decorations. None of those things would work because they were all extremely girly. The crib, dresser (it will have to be repainted of course), stroller, swing, all the basics will work. Everything else will be new. I called my friend Annie and said, "I've got a question for you--what's it like being a mommy of a boy?" "Different, but GREAT!" She said and laughed, which of course, induced a belly laugh from her handsome son, Fieldon!
We couldn't care boy or girl because it is a baby. A new life that comes from our love of each other and for our children. Our only wish for this baby is a long, healthy life.
Andrew is a third. We've always thought a boy named will be a fourth (no, Jim, we will not call him "Quad!"). We are fairly certain at this point that our newest addition will be Drew--short for Winfield Andrew Scott, IV. Yes, I am naming my son Winfield and I am very proud of it too! Allie would have been Drew if she had been a boy. Picking a boy's name for us was easy since we've known all along this is what we wanted to do. I love the name Drew and I love the tradition behind it. Our friends and neighbors (as well as Heroes for Children treasurer!) Allan and Jennifer named their son the fifth. When I told Allan last night about naming a fourth he agreed that it was a no brainer. An easy choice for us.
May looks to be a busy month for me and contacts for Heroes for Children. Yesterday was my final day as a part time employee at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I will definitely miss seeing my friends there everyday, especially Stacey, but I still plan on volunteering and helping out for things when they need me. I have such a respect for that organization and their mission of curing blood cancers. Being able to focus on Heroes for Children during the day will allow me to be able to have my home life back. I will be able to spend time with Andrew and Brandy, my other beloved baby, and keep relaxed for this new upcoming arrival.
Thank you to everyone who has sent prayers our way. We are always so overwhelmed to see the amount of support and love from so many people. If only everyone could be as lucky as we have been to have this kind of support. I appreciate every kind note in our guestbook, every prayer said silently, every happy thought sent our way. For now, since we aren't completely positive about Mr. Drew, please hold off any urges to send blue gifts. Not that I expect anything, you've all done enough. Your support is gift enough.
I will post pictures soon. I need to figure out my scanner to scan a sono picture as well as take a picture of my ever expanding belly (someone asked Thursday if I was six months pregnant!!! NO, I'M NOT, THANK YOU!!).
All my love to my family, Jenny, Andrew, Brandy, Angel Allie, and Drew??
Friday, April 22nd--
6:30pm--I've been go, go, go for the past few weeks. It all caught up with me last night. A night's stay in the hospital for IV fluids was what I needed to force me to slow down. Yesterday was rough on my stomach. I vomited all day long, including my medication. There is nothing attractive about pulling over off the side of a busy freeway to empty the contents of your stomach. If anyone drove past me hurling into the grass on 75 Central, I'm so sorry! Yuck! I was unable to keep down any food or beverage. By 7 last night, I was still throwing up and called Dana to get a prescription for phenegren. Dennis felt it best for me to go to the hospital.
Some may remember that my veins are less than desirable. My attempt at blood donation on Allie's birthday was a traumatic experience. Last night was no different. Of course, without the proper hydration in my system, finding a vein posed even a bigger problem. Twenty-five minutes, three nurses, and three needles later, we finally got an IV going. The sucky part was that it was in the crook of my arm where my elbow bends. If I moved my arm, the nurses warned I would blow the vein, given that they were so difficult. The solution was to board my arm up. Oh, what fun.
Not to worry--Dana gave me a proper lecture last night in the hospital. She came up not twenty minutes after we arrived. She couldn't stay at her event last night when her "sister" needed her in the hospital, she said. Haven't I always said that I have the greatest friends? Dana made sure I knew her stand on the situation. The most profound thing she said that has stuck with me all day is, "I will NOT go through another loss with you this year. You WILL take care of yourself to deliver a healthy child!"
Things are going well otherwise. We have our 5K race (no, I'm not running, and I'm not getting out there at the crack of dawn like I had originally planned). We are looking forward to a very successful event. It's not too late to show up! Registration is available day of. I'm just so impressed with the hard working people who planned the race. Their dedication and heart will pay off tomorrow, I know it!
Well, I'm still pretty tired. Think I will go lay down for a while. Have a great weekend. Jenny
Thursday, April 7th--
10:15pm--Quickest way to bring me to tears? Seeing my second child's heartbeat on a monitor. Seeing a living, growing, HEALTHY fetus on that monitor broke my normal calm reserve. I haven't cried in days, yet an sonogram affected me more than what I expected.
Surprisingly, I'm further along than I thought. We thought I was eight weeks pregnant. According to how the baby is measuring, I am ten weeks pregnant!! YEAH! Maybe the morning sickness will come closer to an end! We are expecting our arrival on November 4th. Thanks to all those prayers sent our way for a healthy pregnancy. Those prayers are so very appreciated. Any words with God that you want to have about the baby, please go ahead!
It was a good OB appointment this morning. I'm grateful to have a doctor that cares about my pregnancy. Oh, I've never mentioned my doctor? None other than Dennis Eisenberg! Who better to be present for the birth of my child then someone who was there for the death of my child? The night that Allie was passing, Dana immediately called Dennis. He arrived shortly after Allie had resumed breathing after her "first passing." Allie and I were rocking chest to chest in the middle of our room. Her right arm was dangling down my left side. As gently as possible, Dennis held her arm and began monitoring her pulse. Periodically, he would update on the beats per minute. In the course of those final forty minutes, I turned to Dennis several times for confirmation that she was still alive in my arms. At 11:05pm, Allie took her final breath. Dr. Weinthal, the oncologist on call, listened for a heartbeat. Nothing, he said. However, instead of believing Dr. Weinthal, I needed further information. Without hesitating, I turned to my left and looked at Dennis. "There's no pulse, Jenny, she's gone." And with that, I accepted my baby's passing. Dennis brought me comfort that night like no other person. On our cruise, Andrew and I spoke extensively about our desire for more children. It was Andrew that first suggested that I go to Dennis as my new doctor. The Sunday we returned, we went to the Eisenberg home. I told Dennis while standing in the kitchen, "Since you were there for the last breath of our last child, we want you to be there for the first breath of our next."
Dana asked me today how I felt about having Dennis as my doctor. I couldn't be happier. He is professional, caring, and calm. His staff couldn't be kinder, especially his wonderfully sweet nurse assistant Carla. Carla sweetly asked if she could join us during the sonogram this morning. Absolutely. She has a heart of gold, and I feel so secure knowing that I have her and Dennis in my corner to take care of me.
So, I believe that ends the baby news! We all really enjoyed our trip to Boston. What a neat city! Clean, beautiful, friendly. I felt safe there. We walked, walked, and walked the entire city. I think we laughed the entire time too! Our new friends Lisa, Len, and Rachel met us for dinner Friday night as well as for drinks afterwards. If only they didn't live so far away! Had we not all been tired, I think we all could have sat around and talked for hours. On Sunday, we met my friend Angela, her husband Bob, and their two beautiful daughters Alison and Heather Grace at the Museum of Science. One look at this child and your heart is melted! I'm definitely ready for our next trip to Boston!
The next few weeks are busy. We are going to the Ormond house to celebrate Fieldon's big first birthday Saturday morning. Sunday is our fun kick-off party for the 12 South Angels team for Light the Night. I'm looking forward to actually meeting some people. Most likely, I've met some of them two or three times, but honestly, I may need to be reminded of that. Anyone I met for the first time at the candlelight vigil before she passed, I don't remember. That entire night is a blur. Sunday, I hope to be able to possibly have a few conversations with people! PLEASE, if you are considering coming, please do. You can still rsvp to Jason Vincik, vincikj@lls.org to join us. It doesn't cost you anything, just there to celebrate and hear some of the wonderful things our dedicated 12 South Committee has in store in the upcoming months (the first being a Mom's Night Out event at the Studio Movie Grill in Plano--how fun!). Of course, we have the Heroes for Children 5K on Saturday April 23rd that I am very excited about. Plus, we have meetings, dinners, and appointments planned all through the month! Should be lots of fun!
Time for this growing (haven't gained a pound yet though---gee, maybe I've thrown up too much? You wouldn't know it though--I am completely in maternity clothes--thanks, Cameron!!) pregnant woman to head to bed.
All my love, Jenny, Andrew, Angel Allie, Brandy, and baby peanut!
Wednesday, March 30th--
10:15pm--We're heading out of town for a long weekend in the morning. The last few months have been exhausting and I'm ready for a trip. About two months ago, Frances, Jim, Andrew, and I were discussing taking a vacation. We tossed around a few cities that we would like to visit and landed on Boston. We're so excited that we're finally going!
So many exciting things are going on right now. Of course, the pregnancy is top on our list. Preparing for a new baby hasn't really sunk in, but we know it will eventually. Once we know if its a boy or girl, we can nail down some decisions more.
Sam and Fieldon, Allie's transplant buddies, continue to do well. Sam keeps telling me that I'm having a baby girl. He talks about my pregnancy every time we talk to him, and he usually talks about Allie too. I can't even begin to say how much I love this little man! Fieldon turns a year on Tues! I can't believe it! Please visit his site and read about his good news--yeah Fieldon!
Big things happening in April.....
Heroes for Children has two big events in May. The first is the benefit concert at the Garland Theater that has funds directed to Heroes for Children and one family, Olivia Jones. Ashley Gonzales, the coordinator of the benefit, is a family friend of the Jones. She decided to do a benefit for their family, but wanted an organization to be another beneficiary. Heroes for Children was the perfect fit! We are very grateful to Ashley for all her hardwork and dedication on this project. To find out more about the event on Monday, April 11th, please check it out at http://www.heroesforchildren.org/specialevents.htm. Due to catering needs, advance ticket purchase is necessary. I hope to see many of you at this worthy event.
Our 5K Race/Walk and Family 1K is coming closer and closer! Our committee is coming to the end of their planning, finalizing details and making sure all preparations are taken care of. This is my first year to participate in the event, but the third year for the organization (as Taylor's Angels previously). PLEASE consider participating in this event. You don't have to be a runner! You can walk the 5K, or take your children in the stroller for the 1K. Encourage your friends and neighbors to come out as well. Having more people at the race serves two purposes--educates more people about Heroes for Children and our awesome mission of serving cancer families, and raises the necessary funds to properly help those families in need. If you have considered the race/walk, but have not signed up, now's your chance. Register NOW online at http://www.active.com/event_detail.cfm?event_id=1210190
**If you are in the state of Texas and are not yet on our Heroes for Children mailing list, please email me at jscott@heroesforchildren.org. Don't forget to include your email address, home mailing address, and if possible, a phone number!! We hope to do another mailing this month and want you to be apart of this journey with us!**
What else? Well, switching organizations...Planning for this year's Light the Night is well under way. Across the nation, teams called "Friends of Allie" are figuring out their strategy for fundraising this year. I am proud to know that so many people continue to embrace this project. Even though I am working so hard with Heroes for Children, I still support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and feel proud that so many others do to in honor of our beautiful giraffe lover (hmm, wonder if this next baby will have a fascination with Sophie la girafe too?) Our local team 12 South Angels has formed a committee of over ten dedicated women that are putting together some really awesome events for our team. Our first event is our 12 South Kick-off party on Sunday April 10th from 2-4 at the Shops at Willow Bend. If you walked on the 12 South team last year, you should have received a yellow postcard invitation to this event. It will be fun for everyone! We will have a mini-carnival (no, this is not costing the Society a lot of money, I promise--we've gotten TONS donated!), and a chance to visit with people again. At LTN itself last year, I felt too overwhelmed. I couldn't walk up to people and talk to them. Seeing Allie's smiling face on the back of hundreds of t-shirts kind of threw me off and put me in a weird state. Now, I think I can handle it much better. If you have not already done so, please RSVP to Jason Vincik at the Society at vincikj@lls.org
I think that's it for now. This was more of a business post! I just wanted all our awesome supporters to be in the loop about the events coming up. We've had so much love and enthusiasm for our families. By participating in events such as these, it is an opportunity to spread that love and enthusiasm on to other families. This is my life's mission and passion. I'm not saying it should be yours. Its different for everyone. However, I do encourage you to find that passion and drive, no matter what it is, and do something with it!
With lots of love! Jenny
Friday, March 25th--
11:00pm--It's true. Allie is going to be a sister. Her brother or sister is due to be born in early November, though we are unsure of the exact date until my next doctor's appointment and sonogram on April 7th. We think I'm about 7 weeks along.
My most commons questions from people include.... "Are you scared?" Out of my mind. "Are you excited?" Yes, but a different kind of excitement. This go round has an element of caution that didn't exist before. "How are the grandmas?" Are you kidding? So excited! "Is Andrew excited?" Yes, but you know, its different for men. With Allie, it didn't truly kick in that it was all real until we found out the sex of the baby. Right now, he just has a whiney wife (sorry baby). "Feeling sick?" YES!! Thank God for Zofran--my miracle drug that has kept me from the violent puke fest I was doing last weekend. Love that drug. Love the makers of the drug, the distributors of the drug--love them all! "Will you find out the sex?" Absolutely. We're planners. I like to know. As I said above, it makes it more real for Andrew. We liked being able to call the baby Allie before she was born and want to be able to do that again. "Do you want a boy or a girl?" Really, I couldn't care less. We've had a girl before, so that is what I know, but I don't mind either way.
We found out over three weeks ago. Keeping secrets is not my strong point, especially from close family and friends. Everyone knew within the week. Of course, we called Dana right away. In fact, while standing hugging and crying in the bathroom together that first night, Andrew says, "OK, you know what to do--Go call her." Before even reporting the news to her husband, who is my OB of course, Dana had someone else to tell. As we were talking on the phone, Dana turned in her bed and said, "Hey Sam, I've got some REAL big news to tell you!" Sam was very excited. He wanted to know if it was Allie coming back.
Telling our parents in person was very important to us. Our only problem was that we were busy and couldn't make it out to Ft. Worth to tell Frances and Jim. So, we tried to figure out how to convince them to come out our way instead. Well, nothing like an invitation for really bad Cici's pizza (a percentage of sales going to Heroes for Children) to get them over to the Dallas side. Who wouldn't drive forty minutes for a four dollar pizza buffet? Luckily for us, Frances and Jim didn't catch on. I arrived there first to be with volunteers and help pass out information about our HFC 5K. Dana arrived with Sam, Ethan and Cameron. We had told Sam that it was a secret. Didn't affect him at all. I opened the door to greet him and he exclaimed, "YOU GOT A BABY IN YOUR TUMMY!!!" Great. Andrew wasn't there yet, and Frances and Jim were getting closer. We prepped Sam. "Its a secret. You can't tell Frances until Andrew gets here." Frances and Jim came in a few minutes later, still with no Andrew. OK, Andrew drive fast (he said he drove like a madman knowing that he may not make it in time!). Our main objective until Andrew got there--keep Sam away from Frances. Thank goodness for Andrew's speed and Sam's distance! As soon as Andrew walked in, Sam made a beeline over for Frances. "Hey Frances, Jenny's got a baby in her belly." "Huh, Sammy, what did you say?" "Yep, Jenny's got a baby in her tummy." I may never be able to fully describe the look on Frances' face. Even set at the Cici's pizza, it was perfect.
Allie's tree in our backyard is in full bloom. The week that we found out we were pregnant, we noticed the buds coming out. They have now fully blossomed into leaves and flowers. Now, nature tells me that it is just because its the right season for the buds. The mommy in me who looks for signs in everything wants to believe that it is Allie letting us know its ok. Maybe it is Allie communicating to me about her new baby brother or sister. I truly want to believe that she is watching over us. When I get scared and freaked out about the pregnancy (beyond terrified about a miscarriage), Andrew reminds me that we have an angel on our side helping take care of this baby. Yes, we have a perfect angel on our side, he's right.
We are overwhelmed by all the positive congratulations and well wishes in our guestbook. So many people supported us through Allie's illness and death. I will never be able to know exactly how many people, nor will I ever be able to fully express my gratitude for all the support. I am proud to be able to share this next chapter of our lives. Being a mommy to Allie was one of the greatest adventures in my life. I am looking forward to yet another adventure into motherhood. Thank you for joining me.
All our love, Jenny and Andrew (and the big furry sister Brandy!)
Thursday, March 24th--
7:40pm--
Dana--Yes, you can tell. (See Sam's site).
Full update coming soon...most likely tomorrow or Sat. Lots of love! Jenny
Sunday, March 13th-- 7:40pm--Oh goodness! Has it really been over two weeks since I've actually done a post? When Allie was alive, I couldn't do go longer than two days without posting. Things aren't quite as interesting without our giraffe lover. Life is calming down here in Texas.
Its been six months since I held my little girl in my arms. I can't believe its been that long. At other times, it feels like an eternity without her. What a blessing she was in my life.
The Eisenberg clan has been gone in San Diego since Wednesday afternoon. I talk to Dana on a daily basis. At least several times a day. So, to go five whole days without Dana? Not used to that. Can you believe I didn't even know her name a year ago? I can't. Missed you, my friend. Don't go away too often!!!
Andrew and I got to have dinner with our good friends Annie and Jack Ormond this week. Fieldon doesn't resemble the child he was when he came to 12 South. He's huge! Fat cheeks, big rolls, and a massive smile. He has a belly laugh that brings joy to everyone around him. And what can I say about his GORGEOUS sister, Emmaday? Oh, she is absolutely delicious!! Thanks Annie and Jack for a great dinner the other night. Let's not go months before the next one!
Heroes for Children has been busy, busy! I'm so excited for our 5K. Please join us for family fun to raise money for our deserving families. The money we raise goes towards funding families at Medical City of Dallas (Allie and Taylor's hospital), Children's of Dallas, and Cooks Childrens of Ft. Worth. Our goal is to span across all of Texas soon and to say that we don't have to turn down any family looking for financial and social assistance in Texas. To help us reach our goal, please consider becoming a volunteer for Heroes for Children or become a part of our Outreach team. Outreach does exactly what it sounds-reaches out to our families in need. For more information, please contact Jill Martin at volunteer@heroesforchildren.org. We need volunteers in any capacity--mailings, making phone calls, passing out flyers at our percentage days at Krispy Kreme and Cici's, attending our major events, etc. Also, if you are interested in donating your laptop to Laptops for Love, please contact me at jscott@heroesforchildren.org.
Let's see, what else? Gosh, not much really. I spend my days working for LLS during the day and Heroes for Children each night. Our Pennies for Patients program is well under way in schools all across the nation. Pennies for Patients is the campaign I work on with LLS. I work part time, which provides me with a lot of flexibility. My favorite part of my job is doing school assemblies. For the older kids (middle and high school), I get the chance to speak about my favorite subject--Allie. For the elementary age, we do a fun, interactive assembly that educates the kids on the parts of the blood. We have "Wendy the white blood cell" "Polly the Platelet" and "Ryan the Red Blood Cell." Of course, when the blood doesn't feel well because of a blood cancer, they need the help of a super hero (we pick a kid out of the crowd for this). We need "Captain Chemo!!" Oh, it is so much fun! Being in a school environment, though different than what I did before, feels good to me. With the growing success of Heroes for Children, I project to be working full time for our organization in the next six months. That is really my goal.
That's it for now. Please pray for my friend Kimberly. Kimberly's brave and strong daughter, Emerald, who I have spoken of before, joined my Allie last night in Heaven. Emerald remained strong and fought hard. She is truly an inspiration in my life. Kimberly, love you, my friend.
Lots of love, Jenny
Thursday, March 3rd-- March already? Yikes!
Just wanted to post a link to yet another amazing article written by Jacquielynn Floyd of the Dallas Morning News about Heroes for Children. Raising awareness and funds for our organization is key. There are so many Texas families needing our help, but we can't do it without adequate funds.
Have a great day. Jenny
Sunday, February 27th--
10:00pm--With the many lives of children that have been lost, let me direct you to some incredibly inspiring stories--please check out Sam and Fieldon's latest updates by clicking on the links to the left of this page. Often, we get discouraged seeing the many angels brightening Heaven each day. However, there are some great success stories. Stories like Sam. This summer, Sam was sick, puny, and bald. He has now had THREE haircuts (that may not seem like a big deal to most people, but trust me, it is a very big deal), he plays with his brother, and he is strong. Stronger than ever, I believe. For a smile, look at my two boyfriends standing next to each other with smiles that melt anyone's heart. People do beat cancer and my great friends Dana and Sam Eisenberg are LIVING PROOF!! What better testiment to the strength of people and love then two cancer survivors in the same family.
In her post tonight, Dana talks about listening to the boys' conversations. It reminds me of a visit they made to LLS about a week ago. Both boys in our office is always an eventful trip! My cubicle has a sliding door which provides tons of entertainment and acts as the catalyst of some serious imagination! Ethan walked in my cubicle, and closed the door. "Ding dong!" YELLS (the boy has two volumes--loud and louder!) Sam. "HI HONEY!!" They both exclaim at each other while embracing in a huge hug. Sam walks in, surveys the area, and says, "oh, what a nice home you have here!" Oh, I just cracked up!
About Heroes for Children....
Heroes for Children has been hard at work fundraising for our families. Each time I read a story of a family we are assisting, I am inspired to work harder. It reminds me that we do make a difference! I am truly blessed with work. Each day, I have emails to answer, events to plan, presentations to put together, and meetings to attend. Thank you, Allie, for helping make a difference each day. Thank you my darling for showing me the many important things of life!
We have several upcoming events. If you live in the North Texas area, please join us!
Saturday, March 5th and Saturday, March 19th--Cici's Pizza in Frisco, TX--10% of sales ALL DAY go to Heroes for Children!
Tuesday, March 15th and Tues. April 12th--Krispy Kreme Donuts in Plano, TX--% of sales between 5-10pm!
Monday, April 11th--"Family Guide to Broadway: 1975-2005" Performances by local actors and singers. This benefit was created by Ashley Gonzales and has named Heroes for Children and 6 year old Olivia Jones' family as beneficiaries. The event will be held at a theater in Garland. There are four ticket prices and with each price comes different benefits. They are as follows: Children - $20 for Ages 5-16 , under 5 is free Adults - $35 entrance to silent auction and concert - cash bar / food provided $50 entrance to the silent auction and concert -cash bar/ food provided plus a special thank you gift and program recognition $100 entrance to the silent auction and concert - cash bar/ food provided plus a special thank you gift, seats in the VIP section for the concert, wine with dinner, and program recognition To purchase tickets call The Dance Movement at 214-509-9000 or e-mail Ashley Gonzales at realmcasting@hotmail.com. Saturday, April 23rd--Heroes for Children 5K Race!! The race begins in the parking lot of Dick's Sporting Goods of Stonebriar Centre in Frisco. For pricing and to register, please check out the Heroes for Children website. If you are interesting in corporate sponsorship of the race, please e-mail me at jscott@heroesforchildren.org. Sponsorship levels begin at $500 and go as far as $10,000. Based on the level of sponsorship, companies have the opportunity to advertise at the event and be recognized on our t-shirts and other marketing materials.
Dana and I have coordinated a mother's night out dinner for the moms that supported us from Sam and Ethan's preschool this week. We hope it will be a successful awareness event about Heroes. Finally, I am so proud to say that I have the pleasure of working with three wonderful and beautiful women on a "Legacy Luncheon" in May. Cameron Smith, Allison Doherty, and Mimi Gilliland have opened their hearts (and in Cameron's case, their home!) to Heroes for Children to make an impact in our community. In January, Allison contacted me saying she wanted to get involved. The idea of a luncheon has evolved into an event I am so truly proud to say we are planning. Thank you Cameron, Allison, and Mimi for coming in to my life. I am humbled, so very humbled, to know you.
All for now. Lots of love to my mom who is having surgery tomorrow! I love you so much! Jenny OH--keep your eye out for the Dallas Morning News Metro section columnist Jacquielynn Floyd's article about me, Larissa and Heroes for Children that will hopefully be in Thursday's paper. What a wonderful lunch "interview" we had last week!
Thursday, February 17th--
9:30pm--Well, enough of my pity party post. I was in a rough spot that night. Those happen often, but I don't usually get that upset while journaling. I went back and read it and thought, "wow, that was one big giant pity party." Thank you, Dana, for validating that for me and telling me that yep, it was!
Things have certainly been busy this week. I have had the absolute pleasure of working with an "intern" this week. Let me explain, Daryn Jackson is a beautiful senior girl at McKinney Christian Academy. During Allie's treatment, Daryn followed Allie's battle religiously. In fact, she e-mailed "Nana Frances" and asked for permission to hold a blood drive at her school in Allie's name. In order to do this, she had to make a presentation to the parents and teachers, as well as speak in front of her entire student body! At 17, this kid is incredibly mature. So, with Pennies for Patients, the campaign I work on at LLS, I was in contact recently with Daryn's mom, who works for the school. Anyway, last week, the entire senior class (all sixteen of them) were given an assignment to take a week off from regular school and spend it doing an internship working for a company or organization of their choice. Daryn chose me! She has gone with me to five assemblies, attended a planning lunch for a Heroes for Children event, worked at LLS, and will go with me to volunteer at a blood drive where there will be information about Heroes for Children. We've had a wonderful time in the car driving from school to school. One of yesterday's assemblies (my favorite thing to do with the program!) took us out to south Ft. Worth. Knowing how much Frances would love to meet her, I called up my mother in law to tell her we were in her neck of the woods. We met Frances and Jim at their house and were able to spend an hour visiting before beating rush hour traffic back to Dallas. I sincerely hope that Daryn has enjoyed this week spent with me. I know that I have. I am inspired to see kids like her.
OK, well, the grease of the burger and tator tots from tonight's 9pm Sonic run is starting to kick in. Really, I need to lose weight!
Thank you all for checking in on us. Andrew and I are doing well. We had a great Valentine's, going to our yearly tradition--August Moon. There is never a crowd at the August Moon and we get in and out. Larissa laughs at us for being such creatures of habit, but hey, it works for us.
Please keep our friend Kenny in your thoughts. He was diagnosed with a very treatable form of leukemia called hairy cell leukemia and begins treatment soon.
Also, if you have not already "met" Big Ben Bowen, please check on www.bens-story.com. Ben is preparing to meet my angel, and his family could use thoughts of prayers.
All my love to everyone who supported me during my pity party! Thanks, Jenny
Sunday, February 13th--
10:30pm--This time, exactly five months ago, my baby resumed breathing after having left us for a total of seven minutes. We were entering the final forty minutes of her life. Those minutes were so very precious. Allie and I were enveloped in love. I sat in the rocking chair with her facing in to my chest, rocking and slowly caressing her skin. I wanted everything as calm as possible, even though I was freaking out in the inside. Friends and family surrounded us, each with hands on Allie, me, or Andrew. I think back to those final moments with nothing but love. Love for my daughter, my husband, and my family. It is the way anyway would want to die.
Just not the right age.
I miss my baby so much. In the past few weeks, my emotional times have gotten worse. I've gotten to where I avoid babies and sometimes even other children all together. I have several friends with baby girls that are around the nine month old age. I can't be around them. Its hard to look at a healthy nine month old and realize my daughter never lived that long. My girl never made it to nine months, falling short by four days.
I miss having a child.
Most days, I'm okay. Tonight, I'm a little down. With Valentine's day tomorrow, I am reminded of those I love. My mind goes immediately to two--Andrew and Allie. The loves of my life. When I fell in love with Andrew, I knew I would be with him for the rest of my life. I knew he completed me. The love I feel for that man grows stronger each day. However, I never fully understood the love a mother feels for her child until I held my only daughter in my arms. We looked at each other and it was instant, as I know it is for all mothers. Tonight, I am thinking of all the mothers I know that have lost their children. Each of us is missing our children. I am thinking of Kari Nuckolls, who just recently lost her daughter Star, www.myshiningstar.info, of Brandy Regan, Dayna Tompson, and Larissa Brewton. I'm thinking of every mother who has a similar memory of mine--seeing their child's final breath here on earth. I lost Allie, yes, but those women lost their special child too. The hurt is real for all of us
I've been struggling with religion. I try to go to church, but I feel nothing. I bow my head in prayer like the rest of the congregation, but I don't feel a thing. I can't even listen half the time. **Please, do not send me religious messages because I posted this. It is something I need to explore and figure out for myself right now. I am the type person that retreats further away when pushed, so it wouldn't be helpful. My problem is that I struggle with the ideas of healing. I hear someone ask for prayers for healing, and I doubt the possibilities. My reasoning is that I would rather believe God is incapable of healing then believe that he just wouldn't heal my daughter. I would rather believe that our bodies are faulty and that it was of no plan or will of God's that she got cancer. I don't want to think God made my daughter sick. He didn't. He couldn't because it was just something that went wrong in her body. Thinking otherwise would make me hate God. I don't. I don't understand Him. I question Him. But I most certainly do not hate.
I've rambled enough tonight. Think I am going to crawl into bed now. Have a loving Valentine's Day.
Andrew--I love you so much. Thank you for the beautiful gift and for giving me everything a girl could ever want. I'm so lucky. Love to you, Jenny
Saturday, February 5th--
9:30pm--Can I just tell you--my dog is gross! An absolute farting machine. The past week, she has been passing gas so badly! I mean, really--truly a disgusting, adorable, smelly Brandy! She is such an attention mongrel too. Ever since she came home from Camp Murphy, she has craved our attention. If I am home, she is next to me. She really loves to climb on the couch with us. I think she's convinced herself that her 75 pound body is no reason why she can't still be a lapdog. God love her!
Andrew and I spent the day together. We need that time. We drove to Ft. Worth and spend a great afternoon and dinner with Frances and Jim. Its always nice to spend time with them.
So many changes in my life. I came up with my "because of Allie" list the other day. Some are silly, others are serious, but here they are:
Because of Allie...... **There is a funny wave to my hair that was never there before my pregnancy **I have new incredible friends like Dana, Larissa, Annie, Jennifer, Jill, Kiesha, Angie, and many others! **We have developed a newfound love of giraffes. Giraffes seem to be more present in our everyday life. Everywhere we are, there are giraffes. **My tummy pooch is even bigger! **Career change--my final day to teach was last Friday. Heroes for Children is my new career focus. **Our marriage is even stronger **I will never look at a butterfly without a smile. **I've learned what it means to truly be a mother **Love has taken a whole new meaning for me. The amount of unconditional love you feel for your child is indescribable. The amount of love you feel for your dying child---multiple it infinitely.
The list goes on. That child was amazing.
It's been a while since I've posted pictures, so I added some below. I hope to post more often, but I'm not guaranteeing more than once a week.
All my love, Jenny
Monday, January 24th--So much to talk about....
11:45pm--The radio this morning announced that based on research shown a new study has declared Jan. 24th the most depressing day of the year. Something to do with the weather, holidays (none too soon, debt after the last one), and a few other factors I forgot, someone took up precious time in their life to determine today as the most depressing day. Today is my birthday.
No, I wasn't depressed. The day actually went fairly smoothly. I certainly didn't look forward to 27 like I did 17. Was that really only ten years ago? But so much has happened since then! Back to the birthday today---my sneaky friend, Jennifer Humphrey, helped plan with several others a surprise birthday lunch. I went with Dana for what I thought was a quiet lunch with me and Andrew. Little did I know when we arrived that all my LLS friends and several others would be waiting for me at a big booth! For those that know how I am with surprises, you wouldn't be surprised that my initial response was, "Y'all suck!" Normally, I can't stand surprises. However, this one was a good one. We had a wonderful meal at Mainstream Seafood, and I got to have a really nice visit with people. It truly was a surprise to me, and I am grateful to those that came! Tonight, I celebrated my birthday with a 5K committee meeting! Great chocolate cake, Cheryl, thanks!
Dana met me at the society this morning for a meeting with Jason and Angie regarding our Light the Night team 12 South Angels. Last year, 12 South raised an astounding $175,000. This year, our goal is $225,000! That is an incredible amount of money! However, we feel that we will achieve this goal. My main goal is to establish 12 South as a team not just about Allie and Sam, but about all the patients receiving treatment on 12. I want it to honor the survivors and lose we have lost to this disease. We want more families to feel involved in this venture. We have also created some fun nights for our team's participants to get out and fundraise. Our first is scheduled for April as a kick-off for this year's team. I hope that anyone that walked with us will join us at that time.
Caring about two non-profit organizations can be taxing. I make sure not to have a conflict of interests. When I work for LLS, I am there for LLS. Heroes for Children; however, is truly becoming my passion and my love. I love this organization and I truly believe in our mission ("providing financial and social assistance to families, within the state of Texas, with children battling cancer"). Larissa and I work every night and spare second on HFC. I am one of those nerds that loved being a student. I love learning. For me, being the Co-Founder and Co-Executive Director (our official titles!), I am a student all over again. My education continues in a new form. Each day, I am learning something new about nonprofit organizations, fundraising, event planning, finances, etc. Never a dull moment! I come home to over 50 e-mails a day. I do try my best to respond to them in a timely manner, but man, I can get easily backlogged!
Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, the cocktail party! Dana and Dennis Eisenberg hosted a cocktail party in Sam's honor benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Remember our 12 South total? Well, we only have $200,000 to go! In one night, Dana's party raised $25,000! It was a beautiful and elegant night. Everything was perfect. The house looked fantastic, the food was delicious, and the company was so kind. I got to visit with some really nice people. My favorite guests were Dr. Lenarsky, Dr. Goldman, and their wives. Dr. Weinthal could not make the party since he was out of town, but we felt honored that our other two oncologists joined us. Dr. Lenarsky told me that he didn't completely realize the scope of Allie's story. That was, until he attended a wedding in California. When introduced to a group of strangers at a table during the reception, someone responded with, "From the website? Allie's doctor?" A total stranger in California recognized his name from my journal of Allie's treatment. Amazing. He said it was at that moment that he truly saw how big Allie's life really was.
Dr. McDonald was also in attendance. Dr McDonald diagnosed both Allie and Sam with leukemia in a three week period out of his pediatric office in Plano. His partner, Dr. Katz, was Allie's normal pediatrician. However, on that day, Dr. Katz was booked. Allie's fever spiked to 104 and she had to be seen immediately. Saturday night, I had the chance to speak with Dr. McDonald for only the second time since he diagnosed her (he came to visit one day in the hospital). He told me that normally he can look at a patient, before examining him/her, and determine, "Ok, that child isn't that sick, that child is a little sick, etc." He said that as soon as he saw Allie, he knew. "That was one sick baby," he told me, "and there was no way she was going anywhere but the hospital." He didn't know what she had at the time (his first thought was pneumonia or meningitis) but he knew she wasn't right. I am so thankful for his insightfulness. His choosing to run a blood test that day helped diagnose her quicker. It scares me to think of what might have happened had we not brought her in that day.
The men and women that work in the oncology profession, to me, are true "Heroes for Children." Not only that, but at least for my family, they were heroes for our family. I admire those men so much. It was so nice to visit with them in a social situation. I enjoyed having the opportunity to visit with their wives too. Dr. Lenarsky's wife and I talked for quite some time. I told her that to me, he saved Allie's life. After the perceptiveness of Dr. McDonald, we were sent immediately to Medical City. Dr. Lenarsky was the first man into her room the very next day. He walked us through everything--her diagnosis, her treatment, her chances. Without him, I don't know how that first day would have gone. For the rest of my life, I will never forget those men. Never.
Switching gears....
I usually do well, but I have found myself getting a little snippier lately. Some girl rudely asked me at a store, "Is that a boy or a girl?" referring to the picture of Allie on my necklace. "It's my daughter," I answer. "Oh, well, I couldn't tell since she's bald." "Yeah, well, that's what happens with chemotherapy." Yesterday, Andrew and I were in DSW shoe warehouse. The woman behind the counter exclaims, "Beautiful baby." We thank her and try to continue with our purchase. "And where is that beautiful baby" (while peeking over the counter to look for a baby in an infant carrier). Pause as Andrew and I fidget and look at each other. "Heaven," I answer. The woman looked down at the register, checked us out and thanked us right away. Probably the snippiest thing I have said to someone was during water aerobics (back in Nov--no, I don't do it anymore). An older woman was complaining about her daughter not having any children. "I told my daughter that she is 32 years old and needs to start having children. I see all these 25, 26 year old girls and they have children and are doing great, so she needs to get started." What possessed me, I don't know, but I turned and said, "well, I'm 26 and I've had a child who died so maybe you should leave your daughter alone." HELLO??? What would make me think that was appropriate to say to this poor woman? I was irritated and just let it out. Maybe it was because it was 6:15 in the morning. Andrew will tell you, I'm not much of a morning person. Maybe that's why I haven't been back. I'll blame it on that and not my laziness.
OK, It's late and I'm tired. Thank you to all those that sent me "happy mail" for my birthday. Thank you for all the kind words of encouragement. They really do mean a lot.
I have pictures from the party to post soon. All my love, Jenny
Tuesday, January 18th--
10:00pm---My boyfriend is a model! That's right, my four year old boyfriend, Sam Eisenberg, just went to his first photo shoot. Sam is now going to be the "poster child" for leukemia. His adorable, sweet face will be on every add campaign for the 2005 Light the Night materials. We are so proud of Sam. He looks fabulous, is precocious as ever, and maintains one of the best attitudes around. I can't wait to see the proofs.
This week is busy. I have my second to last sub job for my friend Marie Douglass tomorrow. We have meetings and more meetings during the day. Today, Larissa and I were interviewed for a segment on 99.5 the Wolf (country station) that will air Sunday the 30th at 7am. Cate Crowley who works for the radio station happens to be a member of the Friends of Allie MSN group. Last week, we were interviewed by Clear Channel radio stations and Anna de Haro (love her!). As we were walking out of Clear Channel, there was a voice message from Cate on my phone. She knew of our visit to the other station and wanted to invite us to talk about Heroes for Children on her station as well. It was an absolute pleasure to meet you today, Cate. Thank you so much for your time.
Dana and Dennis are hosting a cocktail party Saturday night benefitting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. We hope to help jump start our LTN fundraising for 2005 with this party. We are hoping for it to be a success!
Not much else to report. We don't take many pictures these days. Really--only so many pictures we want of just the two of us. However, Andrew happened to capture a perfect picture. Life at the Scott house most nights!
Here's my "Brandypuppy," as my goddaughter Hannah likes to call her.....
Wednesday, January 12th--HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW!! I love with all my heart!
8:45am--Hey, Andrew--will you please separate out my journal again--I think it is getting slow to download again. Thanks!
There comes a moment in your life when you realize things will never be the same. For me, that moment hit me like a ton of bricks Monday afternoon. All along, I have answered "no" when asked if I was going back to teaching. I didn't think it bothered me. I've been planning on quitting subbing for quite some time, making next Tuesday my final day to sub. Monday, I got email from the French teacher that replaced me at Rice asking if I would be available the end of January. My first instinct was to say no, but then I reconsidered. If this was my last day to teach, wouldn't it be great to have it be some of the students I had last year. Those kids in the 7th grade kind of got a raw deal with me last year since I was pregnant, then gone on maternity leave, then gone with Allie's cancer. I would love to have my final class be a class of kids I know. So, I finally responded back to accept the position. In doing so, I also copied my former principal and vice principal, letting them know my decision not to return to teaching. I didn't realize how that would affect me. Just writing the words, the tears welled up. Finally, I broke down at my desk and sobbed at work.
You see, I've wanted to be a teacher as long as I can remember. Now, that dream is over. Doesn't mean that it is gone for good. I realize the stock responses I will get from posting this. People tell me, "but you are still a teacher, just a different kind." And I do believe that is true. Someone else will say, "you never know what may happen and if you will ever teach again." Maybe, I will not close the door completely. The reason it hit me so hard is that it is a real loss in my life. I poured my heart into teaching, just as I poured my heart into being a mom. Both of those, at least for the time being, are gone for me.
Yet, I cannot ignore the fact that I have been called to do something else with my life right now. Between part time work at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and establishing Heroes for Children with Larissa Brewton, I keep very busy. Today, I have two meetings, tomorrow two as well. We have a board retreat this weekend, 5K committee meetings every two weeks and a Volunteer Night on Thurs. Jan. 27th (see the post below for directions and details on how you can get involved with Heroes for Children--our volunteers are vital!). We stay very busy.
Annie Ormond, Fieldon's mom, asked me today if I ever missed 12 South. She knows I miss Allie, but she was referring to the floor itself and the life we led there. Funny to say, but Andrew and I both miss 12 South. We miss the relaxed atmosphere and the people. We miss feeling connected to so many people in the same situation. If it wasn't for families like the Ormonds and the Eisenbergs, we wouldn't have come out of that situation as well as we did. I miss being able to see my friends every day or every hour as often the case was. Miss Annie looking in on her way to the pantry, Sam's IV pole with his little peeking through our window. Oh man, he was so cute with that bald head. But, boy-you should see how much hair he has now! I saw him the other day at their house. He told me about getting IVIG at the clinic and seeing "Denarsky," his doctor Dr. Lenarsky. He told me he loves me, and I made sure Sammy knew that the feeling is completely mutual!
I need to get going for the day, but I wanted to post since I've been negligent on posting. To my Andrew---I hope you have a happy birthday with many happy dreams of our girl tonight! I love you so much and as always am honored to be your wife.
To Dana---thank you so much for your post last night. Our friendship means so much to me. Not many people can understand that level of understanding from one person to another. Not many people have that kind of easy friendship that we do. I am so grateful you came into my life, even under our circumstance.
To my mom-thanks for dinner the other night when I was down about teaching. No other person can understand that loss as well as you. You saw me work my whole life toward that one goal, and you have supported me through the change in the last year. Thank you.
Love to everyone. Hug your children today. I wish I could do it, but since I can't, I plead you to do that for your kids even more than usual. Don't get upset over the little things that your kids do to irritate you. Instead, be thankful that are alive and well to be able to irritate you a little. Do something fun with your children today--Allie's watching!
Love, Jenny Saturday, January 8th--
Please join us for our Volunteer Night for Heroes for Children if you are interested in volunteering with any aspect of our organization.
I'll write a post soon. Jenny Sunday, January 2nd--
11:00pm--The holidays have come and gone. Smoother than I expected given our circumstance this year. As we rang in the New Year with a group of our friends, we lifted our glasses (well, I spilled mine over my lap since I was slightly drunk--just slightly, right?) to a cancer free 2005. Since 1999, cancer has invaded our life. It took both my father and my daughter in less than five years (dad passed away April 2000). I want nothing more than a year without cancer in our home or in the homes of my loved ones.
And yet, as we start our year, I face cancer head on. I still work part time for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society advocating for the program Pennies for Patients. I have been working tirelessly with Larissa Brewton on establishing Heroes for Children. I spend my day talking about or focusing some way on cancer. And at the end of 2005, I want to say that I was victorious this time in our battle.
Andrew and I are doing pretty well. We're sure to spend as much time together as possible, even if it is experimenting with making sushi and watching movies, as the case was tonight. Sometimes, we pick at each other more than we have ever done. We are more sensitive to things. However, we are more apologetic when we do. We remain conscience of the fact that marriages undergo strain during a loss such as ours. So, we forgive each other's eccentricities a little easier. He puts up with my mood swings. Poor guy, I got mad at him today in the middle of a Best Buy because I didn't want to be there. Instead of having just stated that I would prefer to go there another time and go home, I went on a tirade about how unnecessary it was for us to be there and how I would NOT stand in that RIDICULOUS line. OK, can we say melodramatic or what? He simply set down what it was he was looking at and exited the store with me. He knew I was in a mood. Of course, by the time my rear end hit the seat of our car, I realized what an ass I had just been. We laughed about it later tonight. Sorry, honey. I love you so much. Thank you for being the stable and sane one in our relationship!
At the end of the day, we are stronger in our marriage than we have ever been. In almost ten years, we've been through a lot. I know we will be together for many more years with, hopefully, more children (no, don't start the rumor mill, I'm not pregnant). I knew about a month into our relationship that he was the one. I knew I would marry him. Of course, I knew I had to be older than 17, our age at the time, and had to graduate high school at least! Four years later, we married. Five and a half years later, I still get that same feeling of love when I look at him. I still feel that sense of stability and security in his presence. I can't imagine a minute of my life without him in it. I am the luckiest woman in the world because he picked me. For some reason when we were 17, he decided to call me. We barely knew each other, went to different schools, and had very little in common. But, he called, asked me out, and as they say, "the rest is history." A great history too, I think, because it is ours.
Andrew--I love you. --Me
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