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Copyright 2004 All Rights Reserved Jenny and Andrew Scott (c)
Heroes for Children's official website is up!
Our official Friends of Allie website for Light the Night with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Other Jenny Posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Sunday, August 14th--
10:00am--Poor Andrew. The guy has put up with more whining in the past week from me then the entire pregnancy! Not that anything is really wrong. The baby is great, no major issues, just being whiney. What do I whine about? Darn near everything and I hate it! I've had breathing issues all week, can't sleep, keep getting headaches, heartburn, feeling fat and uncomfortable, etc. All the normal issues that a woman experiences at 28 weeks. Poor guy. And he just listens with a smile and doesn't let it bother him. He has the patience of a saint! I keep apologizing when I catch myself complaining because I don't want to be this way. I'm just so ready for this to be over so that we can meet her!!
Thanks for all the wonderful comments on Maggie's nursery. We really enjoyed doing it. It wasn't emotionally difficult at all. I had geared myself up that it would be, but I didn't struggle. I think the reason is because it wasn't about Allie at that point, but all about Maggie. It was about preparing for her entrance into our life with love and making sure she had something all her own. Of course, there are little touches that were Allie's. For example, Allie had this beautiful pink and white plate mounted on the wall with a bunny's face inside (and the ears created dividers in the plate). Even though it doesn't match the theme, that plate is mounted up in the exact same place it was with her sister. Some of Allie's stuffed animals are in the crib and her Madame Alexander doll is on the toy chest.
The day after we painted the nursery, I knew it was time. It was time to get into the guestroom, where all of Allie's stuff had been moved during the carpet fiasco, and go through items. I had a mental inventory going into the room of what I would find. Andrew wasn't feeling up for it, so I decided to tackle it myself. It wasn't easy. At times, I would stop and stare at something of hers and just sit and remember. At other times, I would laugh out loud at a memory or image. There were several items that I packed up into a tub because I knew those would always remain Allie's. She had so many beautiful things! When moving over her stuff into the guestroom (on the carpet night), Andrew had commented-"My goodness, how many blankets did this girl have?" A lot. She had a lot of things. I threw away a few things that I knew I couldn't handle or that weren't good---ie the mass of formula stained bibs and diaper cloths. Some things I set aside to go into Maggie's room, others I set aside to give away, and then the special "Allie" things I packed up in the tub.
Surprisingly, I didn't break down as much as I thought I would. At one point, I really lost it. It wasn't over a pretty dress she wore, over one of her favorite blankets, or even over a toy she enjoyed. Like I said, I had a mental inventory of those things, so I felt prepared to see them. I was prepared that of the few clothing items we kept, one was her red and white toile "transplant" dress. What I wasn't prepared for was a bag of medical supplies. The first week of June, Allie came home with us. She was then supposed to go in the hospital for an eight day long treatment, then home again for three weeks. What we all know now is that she re-entered the hospital on Monday, June 7th and never left again. During the week she was home, an at home nurse came and brought med supplies to show me how to flush Allie's central line. This had to be done every night. She needed a dressing change twice a week. All the necessary supplies were sitting on the guest bed staring at me. My resolve broke, and I fell into sobs. What was it about a bag of supplies that set me off? I think it is a reminder to me of how horribly things went wrong. I was supposed to use all those supplies and run out. I was supposed to be having her at home, in between treatments, while she recovered and got better. That never happened.
From across the house, Andrew heard my sobs and immediately rushed to my side. He quickly took the bag from my hands and threw it and all its contents in the trash. We sat and talked for a while on the bed, surrounded by Allie's belongings. Being in there was too hard for him, but he forced himself to sit there with me to comfort me while I got through that meltdown. When he stood up to leave, I turned around to get back to work, only to find a black diaper bag (the free one from Enfamil that the hospital gave us). " Throw this out please," I said to Andrew passing it to him quickly. "Don't you want to go through it first, there are things in here?" "No, throw it out!" I knew what was in there. I knew why we had the diaper bag we never used packed up. It was the extra bag that I threw together the night she entered the hospital on Monday May 3rd. The fear of that night and the emotions came rushing to me, and I knew that opening that bag would be like opening Pandora's box. No, I just wanted it quickly deposited into the trash without any more thought.
I did as much as I could that day, but I haven't been able to return to it in two weeks. I think today is time again. I don't necessarily want to do it, but I know I have to. I have to do it for me, Allie, and for Maggie.
In the next few months, we're busy. I only have about 11 more weeks of pregnancy to go (we have a date scheduled tentatively for my 39th week to deliver!). Dana is hosting a baby shower for me and Larissa on Sat. Sept 10th. That night, Andrew and I are having a party for our friends and family. It's a celebration of Allie party, as it is three days before the one year anniversary of Allie's passing. Andrew and I decided that we wanted to be surrounded by our friends and family, just as we were last year. When we first discussed it, I said that a party sounded a little morbid. Are we celebrating our daughter's death?? "No," Andrew says, "We are celebrating her life and the day that our baby stopped hurting. We celebrating the death of the cancer and the end of her pain." Leave it to Andrew to give me a better perspective.
With each passing day, we get more anxious for Maggie. We talk about it constantly. We wonder what she will look like. Will she have some of Allie's features? I hope so. I wish most for those eyes. Remember those eyes? God, they were gorgeous. Of course, there is a good chance that may happen. I've been staring at those very same eyes for the past ten years every time I look at my husband. I wonder about her personality and temperment. We could easily have one that was like me as a baby--very difficult--as we have already had one like Andrew as a baby--easy going and happy! Who knows? And we really don't care. We just want a baby. We want her to be healthy. We want normal baby issues like teething and learning to crawl. We want t be like normal parents who take their child out to a restaurant or shopping through the grocery store. What a luxury! Most of all, we want a long, fulfilling life for this child. One that goes much longer after we are no longer here with her. One filled with love, friendship, and beautiful memories. We want her to try different things as a child, like ballet and soccer--anything she wants to do! We want her to discover her dreams and live long and healthy enough to see them come true.
Of course, isn't that what we all want for our children??
With lots of love for my two beautiful daughters, Jenny
Sunday, August 1st--
9:30am--Maggie's room is finished!! Well, there are still some touches we need to do, and we still have quite a bit of Allie's things to go through, but the room is painted and furniture is moved in! Debbie, Angela and I worked on all afternoon making stencils and painting. Not much to write at the moment, just thought I would post pictures. Andrew is going to put up a Maggie page on the lefthand side of the main page. Its time for her own section of this website!
--Jenny
Tuesday, July 26th-- 9:25pm--I know I've already posted tonight, but I wanted to get back online. Tonight, I just hung up from a Friends of Allie conference call with team captains for Light the Night (benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society). I had the absolute pleasure to listen to super dad Terry Josephson share his experience battling ALL alongside his beautiful five year old daughter Julianna. What a great inspiration. Thank you, Terry.
----BIG, BIG NEWS----
Tomorrow marks ONE YEAR post transplant for my favorite four year old boyfriend and my loving hero!! That's right, on July 27, 2004, Ethan Eisenberg entered a surgery room to share his bone marrow for his twin brother. Later that morning, I watched Sam Eisenberg stand up on a bed holding the bag of bone marrow in his hand, yelling to a video camera, "Thank you, Ethan, you're the BEST!" Congratulations, Sammy, for surviving an amazing year. I look forward to seeing you continue to grow stronger every day. Thank you, Ethan, for being one of the biggest heroes of my life. Dana and Dennis--Andrew and I love you both so much. We are so grateful to have you both in our lives, and we look forward to many more years of friendship. Congratulations, Eisenbergs!!!
5:00pm--"Camp is the greatest place on earth. Some people say it's Disney World, but they've never been to Camp Discovery!" I listened to a ten year boy stand in front of 150 cancer patients and survivors and 75 adult staff members to make this proclamation Friday night. You know what? I think he may be right!
I returned Saturday from nine of the most exhausting, exciting, incredibly amazing days of my life--Camp Discovery. We had two days of staff training and preparation (which for Arts and Crafts meant some serious unpacking of tons of supplies!) before the kids arrived. Kids came from Dallas, Austin, and San Antonio. Our camp is located at the Texas Lions Camp in Kerrville, TX. Normally, this camp runs their facilities for children with disabilities. However, for one week, Camp Discovery brings in our own staff and runs the week's events.
Every child who came to camp has battled cancer. Some are still battling, some had just finished treatment within the last year, while others had been off treatment for years but were returning to camp each year. Camp Discovery becomes a home away from home for them. I met teenagers who came to camp for the first time at the age of 7 and who came back year after year. Though cancer was apart of the daily life at camp, it was secondary to having fun and being a kid. We saw kids who had lost limbs, in wheelchairs, were blind, and with some of the biggest scars I've ever seen on various body parts. The great thing is that no one was different or strange. No one felt left out because of what the cancer had done to them. They all fit in. It was beautiful.
Arts and Crafts was certainly a harder job than I expected--but I LOVED it!!! My partner and roommate, Kim, and I worked our butts off (and my ankles swelled every night as proof!) In fact, I don't know that being a counselor is it for me--I may just have to continue to be the A&C coordinator! We had two big connected rooms with two tables per room. Each day, after "flag pole" and breakfast, the day's activity periods began. There were five activity periods per day, with two cabin groups of kids per period. In the middle of the day, we had lunch and "Happy Nappy." No nap for us though because we usually had meetings and set up for the later groups. So, what did we do in arts and crafts? We made wooden footstools, tye dye t-shirts, painted tiles, made all kinds of beaded projects, and did sand art! There is a group of woodworkers from Sun City who made kits for the kids to assemble wooden footstools. They came on the first day with their drills and wood glue to help the kids build them. The kids loved this project! After they were done building, painting starting. Whew--painting was tons of work. Due to the amount of kids, we wouldn't let them get up and get their own paint. So, Kim and I were in charge getting the counselor's help and taking paint orders from the kids. Shouts of "I need RED!!" were flying! Some of the stools came out looking professional. They will be a keepsake for many years to come. The Sun City Woodworkers were such nice men. All of them grandpas, they got excited to see the kids getting involved with the project and working hard. They are currently selling more footstools in Sun City to help finance the lumber for next year's project. Such generosity and big hearts!
Each evening, we had a different activity. Some were planned by Camp Discovery staff, while a few were taken care of by outsiders in the community. An oncology research company named Genzyme put on a huge carnival for the kids. We were told that in years past, our staff put together a make shift carnival with very basic booths and carnivals. This, was an extravaganza--very professionally done. There were bounce houses, big slides, a kaoroke station, fun booths with all kinds of prizes, food, clowns, etc! It was a full blown carnival and the kids had a blast. On Wednesday night, we watched the kids get all dolled up for the dance. What fun it was to see them looking beautiful and having fun dancing (and lots of flirting with the older kids!)!
Can you tell I liked camp? I loved it. For those that read our story last summer, you may remember a young boy named Jordan that lived on 12 South with us. I can't tell you how excited I was to see Jordan step off that bus last Sunday! He was shy and nervous, and he spent the first night in the "Bandaid Box" trying to go home. We saw each other for the first time on Monday and we both hugged. One of my best moments the entire week was when Jordan came to me during his Tues. activity time and presented me with a beaded necklace that he had made for me. What a special kid.
Now, I'm back to work and busy as ever. Andrew spent the week installing wood laminate floors in our house (which look fantastic!) and ordering our carpet for the nursery. He even called Debbie to have her come over and continue painting the pink on the walls. His goal had been to get the nursery in place with furniture back in the room before I came home as a surprise for me. Unfortunately, the carpet still isn't ready, so he was bummed about that. We are hoping it will be in soon as we are both anxious to get the room all set up. Hopefully, the quilt and bumper should be arriving this week from Pottery Barn, and Debbie and I plan to do the decorative painting this weekend. I would like to see the room more finished in the next three to four weeks. I think I would just feel better if it was.
Well, I need to finish up work before facing traffic. Lots of love, Jenny Saturday, July 9th--
3:45pm--We finally made the decision to get the baby's room ready. We bought paint and discussed our goal to clean out the nursery. And then we avoided it for three days. Thursday night around 8:00pm, we said we could put it off no longer. Andrew came up with the idea of moving items over to the guest room and then only moving back in those items we planned on keeping. He went into the nursery to start moving over the larger items like the swing, stroller, etc. I wasn't quite ready, so I hung on the couch lingering as long as I could and trying to keep the tears bottled up. Then he came out saying, "We've got a problem."
Of course, this couldn't be an easy night. No one goes in that area of our house. No one has in weeks or longer. Our HVAC unit is in the hallway in a closet right next to the baby's room. Well, the drain got clogged and overflowed into the nursery closest and floor! The carpet is ruined. Instead of lovingly going through stuff, moving over things, packing up things, and setting stuff aside for Amie and Michael, we were rushing to get stuff moved over to assess the damage! It was awful! I called our friend Allan down the street to come over and help Andrew. We are so lucky to have neighbors and friends like Jennifer and Allan. He came down within two minutes. By the time I opened the door to greet him, I was a ball of cuss words. I was so upset! The guys ripped out the carpet and moved everything over. It was my task to go to Home Depot to rent a carpet blower, mop, and drain pipe cleaner. I walked into the nursery just in time to see them dismantling the crib and folding up the bumper. I lost it! I don't know why the bumper was the final touch for the breakdown, but it definitely was. I couldn't handle it. Andrew whisked me out of the room and told me to go to Home Depot. Allan, upset to see my crying, decided he didn't want me to go alone. He called Jennifer to go with me. Well, they have two sons who were fast asleep at home. So, they called another neighbor to sit at their house so that Jennifer could go with me. It helped. Instead of crying the whole way there and back (which I had intended to do), I only cried for a few minutes at their house before we left. She was such a comfort to me. By the time we made it to Home Depot, she had me laughing hysterically over a story.
So, the walls aren't too badly damaged. Bill is an insurance adjuster, so he and my mom came over last night to give his opinion. There is just a little bit of mold that Bill told us how to get rid of. The carpet was destroyed and is now in the trash. What fun! Well, without carpet, it's a perfect time to paint--no dropclothes needed!
Larissa says that it was Allie's way of saying, "OK, Mama and Daddy, Maggie really does need her own room, so get with it!" Maybe so. It certainly has given us the necessary push we needed. Andrew put the primer on last night, and Debbie and I spent this morning painting two coats of a beautiful soft yellow. Tomorrow, she is coming back to do pink accents. In a few weeks, we are planning to then paint some of the butterflies and flowers from the quilt (Pottery Barn Kids Spring Butterfly collection) on the wall as well. I wore a mask while painting to not worry too much about the fumes. Right as we started the second coat, we brought in a radio. The first full song that come on was Wonder by Natalie Merchant. Allie's song. We cranked it up! Sometimes, I think Allie sends me signs. This was her way of letting me know that she is right there with me. She is always with me, and she is taking care of us. It felt good to hear her song.
Last weekend, we went to Angela's parent's lakehouse outside of Austin at Lake LBJ. It was hot, so I tried to stay in a lot and made sure to drink lots of water. On Saturday, I agreed to go out on the boat. The water wasn't too rough, as people were still arriving for Fourth of July weekend. We boated for maybe an hour and then stopped for a swim. We had so much fun swimming. Then we went back to the house. At dinner last night, I wasn't feeling well. I had a pain in my tummy and I felt sick. I opted to skip the trip to watch four wheelers with the rest of the group (which, trust me, didn't disappoint me at all!), and stayed in to read a book quietly. The baby didn't kick that night. I took note of it, but I didn't worry to much. By mid afternoon Sunday, I still hadn't felt any movement. By late Sunday night, I was beginning to panic. Andrew and Angela knew what was going on, but I didn't want to get upset in front of the boys. At 11:20, I excused myself to the bathroom and began to breakdown. I was scared. She hadn't moved at all. I had just drank a soda and had an ice pop, two things that really get her going. Nothing. I was panicked. Angela was right in the hall when I stepped out of the bathroom. I quietly told her I was going to bed and didn't say goodnight to anyone. I went in the room, turned off the lights, laid down, and cried. Fear. What if something was wrong? What if it was my fault from going boating? What if I lose this baby? How could I survive losing two babies in one year? Tears just streamed down my cheeks. Andrew came in a few minutes later, knowing that I was upset. He hugged me and kissed me gently, then went back into the other room upon my request. I began talking to Allie. I begged her to take care of her sister. I begged her to protect her and told her my fears. A few minutes later, the kicking began. I cried harder. I had been so scared that the relief of feeling her kick overwhelmed me.
We left on Monday to head back home. Andrew and I decided to call Dennis when we got home. Even though she was kicking again, I needed to make sure she was okay. I had to hear it from him. I had to see the baby and hear a heartbeat. Tuesday morning, I took a trip to his office. The baby went crazy over the monitor. I asked Dennis for a sonogram. Knowing my fears, Dennis had no problems wheeling in the sonogram machine for me. There she was--perfect. She couldn't look any better at this stage (almost six months!).
I'm heading to Camp Discovery on Friday afternoon. Camp Discovery is located outside of San Antonio, and it is a camp for cancer kids ages 7-17. I applied to be a counselor, but due to the heat and my pregnancy, I accepted a position as a volunteer with the Arts and Crafts. Now, those who know me personally think that is very funny. I'm NOT an arts and crafts kind of girl. I'd much rather buy it then make it. Creativity is not my strong point. However, I came to the conclusion that it was either accept that position or not go at all. I choose to go. I want to see these kids in a different environment. Many of the children going are ones that Heroes for Children have helped. It will serve as a good reminder for me. I spend my days as a fundraiser, trying to bring in more money for the organization. I never want to forget the true heart and mission of my job though. Yes, I have to fundraise. We have to have the money in order to do what is important--give it out to families.
There are so many things to write about this time. Whenever I go longer than a week, I feel like I could write almost as long too! On Thursday morning, I got a call from our friend and advisory board member Andrea Katz. Andrea has a friend who had mentioned that she had a ton of extra circus tickets to give out and didn't know what to do with them. Andrea immediately thought of Heroes for Children and the families we serve. She called me to see if I could give them away. Turned out that there were two dozen VIP circus tickets! Six families that we have recently helped got to spend some time away from cancer to enjoy the circus. Thank you so much, Andrea!
On Easter Sunday (one of the few Sundays I have actually gone to church in months!), my pastor quoted a passage from Matthew about using your talents for good and the glory of God. He talked about how it is not always about money, but also using our given talents to benefit others. A few weeks ago, Larissa and I met with a wonderful woman named Lori McKinnon who wanted to use her talents in a special way to help Heroes for Children. Lori owns a cool company called Permanent Treasures, www.permanenttreasures.com. They take pictures and video clips and turn them into beautiful DVD's to music. When Allie was dying, we asked our brother in law Michael to create a video like this for her. Her video is breathtaking. It is something I will cherish for the rest of my life, and most definitely something that my other children will watch to know their sister. Lori followed Allie's life and death. In fact, Allie's death and our reactions helped prepare her, she says, for the painful death of her mother two months later. Well, Lori's talent for created DVDs is going to benefit Heroes for Children by allowing families to have videos of their children created for free. What a gift! This is a major donation---of her time and talent---and one that I know will be extremely helpful.
Another woman, Becky Keck, contacted me several weeks ago because she had a way to help out Heroes for Children. She is an independent distributor of Usborne Books. Usborne Books creates fun, educational books for children. They are very popular, well priced, and very well done. Becky wants to give to Heroes for Children by donating her commission for a month for an online book fair for HFC. The link is www.ubah.com/BF/16255. The book fair lasts until the end of July. Not only will Heroes get a financial donation, we will also get a percentage of sales in free books. Those books will be donated to families living in the hospital.
I'm amazed each day by people's generosity. People from all over reached out to my family in our time of need. They felt motivated by Allie's life and legacy to make a difference in the fight against cancer. If you have done anything for us or Heroes for Children--signed our guestbook, sent a note, sent Allie a gift to brighten her day, walked in a Light the Night walk across the country, financially donated, etc--please know that you are appreciated. I always want to remember your kindness and generosity. Thank you so much.
With lots of love,
Jenny, Andrew, Brandy, Maggie, and our angel Allie
Sunday, June 26th--
10:30pm--It's so interesting to me to watch how Maggie is progressing. There are some things that I find myself saying, "Oh, she is JUST like her sister!" There are other times where I think it is a totally different experience. Just like Allie did, Maggie moves continuously! She's nonstop, I swear, kicking as I'm writing this right now. There are times when Dennis struggles to get her heartbeat on the doppler. The first time it happened, I began to panic slightly internally. Then he reassured me. We kept here a whooshing sound over the monitor. Every time we heard it, Dennis explained, she was turning or flipping--which meant she was doing well. At that time, I couldn't feel the movements. At this last appointment on Thurs, I know he was right. Child was doing sommersaults! Just like her sister did.
Maggie is hanging out on my lower left side. Allie lived the majority of her time enjoying my far upper right. Allie would relax and sleep when I was watching a movie in the theatre; Maggie thinks it is playtime. I'm definitely bigger than what I was the first go round by this point. It just fascinates me to see the differences/similarities between my children, even in utero.
The pregnancy is going well. Everything is progressing as it should. My belly is measuring "a little on the bigger side," which is no surprise to me knowing the father of this little girl. As skinny as Andrew is now, he was a chunk and a half as a baby! He weighed in at 16 pounds at 8 weeks, and wore a 3T outfit for his first birthday party! We expect big babies. Nothing cuter than a chunky baby with fat rolls, big cheeks, and thunder thighs. That description loses its appeal after age two or so, but it is adorable for an infant. I'm growing rapidly and getting bigger by the minute. A woman asked me this week how much longer I had. A LOT!! What a way to make a gal feel good.
As far as preparing for Maggie's arrival, avoidance is becoming our middle names. We're having a little girl in 18 weeks. We picked out the room decor (butterflies, of course), the grandmas have ordered the bedding and bought the rug, but we have still avoided the nursery like the plague. Each weekend, we say we are going to get in there and sort through things. Each weekend, we find an excuse as to why we are too busy to start the project. We need to clean the room and decide on items to keep, box up, etc. It's a mess in there. Boxes everywhere. We threw everything baby related in that room and closed the door. Its something that only Andrew and I can do, but we know it will take a lot of emotional strength.
Allie's bedding will not be used for Maggie. We wanted a change. Butterflies, given their significance in our life, just seemed to work. We say that she will be surrounded and protected by her sister. However, the question of what to do with that beautiful bunny bedding then came up. I will not just sell it. That is far too impersonal. We are excited to be able to give it to Amie and Michael for their new baby coming in January. We would much rather our niece or nephew have it then have it purchased by a stranger for their baby. Again, it would be a comfort in a way to know that a part of Allie is with her cousin and protecting him or her (it will be a surprise!). The wall color will change as well, since the green will no longer match. Debbie and Angela promise to help me paint over it when the time comes. It won't be easy, but with their support, I know I will make it. The two of them have been by my side for everything in the past year, and I am lucky to have them as my friends.
News outside of the pregnancy--
Life is returning to a bit of normalcy for Andrew and me. Before Allie got sick, we spent most of our time with the Kriegers--Angela, Mike, Josh, and Joey. When Allie was going to Angela to be babysat everyday, I think average four to five meals a week with them. We saw each other every day and spoke multiple times a day. It's a great relationship where all four adults are friends. Mike and I can hang out, and Andrew and Angela can too. All four of us together is so much fun. When Allie got sick, we weren't able to see them as much. It was really hard for all of us, especially on the boys. After she died, we saw them at least once a week, but not always as much. Andrew saw them more than I did because I was doing LLS and HFC stuff. I was overwhelmed. Now, we are finally back into our normal routine. For the past two months or so, the Kriegers and Scotts have stepped back into our old ways, and I love it! We spent every night this weekend with them, and I expect to see them at least three days this coming week before all six of us head out together to her father's lakehouse near Austin. Normalcy feels so good.
As for Hereos for Children---We moved into an office!! We are so excited. Through a contact of Andrea Katz's (a friend of Dana's who is luckily serving on our advisory board), we found a leasing company willing to donate space at a limited cost. Another man, Chuck, who has been very active with Taylor's Angels, and worked on the 5K committee this year, helped get us furniture. His company was moving offices and downsizing some of their equipment. We furnished the entire office (three offices, conference room, and server/storage room) through the generosity of his company. Andrew, my amazing husband, has busted his butt to get us all set up. My brother, our treasurer and friend Allan, and he worked all day last weekend moving heavy furniture. Each day, he has been up at the office getting equipment set up. This morning, he spent several hours there working on servers. I am so grateful to him for all that he has done for Heroes for Children. He takes just as much pride in the organization as I do. Thank you, Andrew, for everything you have done this week! You're the best! Thank you Andrea and Chuck for wanting to help out Heroes for Children and believing in our mission so much to take time out of your busy schedule to do this huge favor for us.
Heroes for Children is hard at work at fundraising. We have several events coming up, including our preparations to begin training participants for the Disney Marathon (Jan 7-8, 2006) for the second year and our annual golf tournament in Oct. Larissa and I have many meetings with various companies to work on building relationships. The money we make is going directly to families. Last week alone, we had nine requests. NINE!! In a regular week, our average is 2-4. Luckily, we have been blessed to be able to fulfill all the requests that come in for our families. Our goal is to expand to providing assistance to more families in other parts of Texas and hopefully expand. Of course, we can only do it through the generosity of donors.
People have e-mailed me recently asking what they can do for Maggie. Several gifts have already come in, and we are so thankful for people's thoughtfulness. Andrew and I truly have most of what we need already from Allie. All we need now is clothes and a few other items. We will not be getting Allie's clothes back. Dana is throwing a joint shower for me and Larissa. I anticipate to have all that I need. While I certainly don't expect or ask for things for Maggie, I know there are some people who feel the need to do something in her honor. If you would like to do something, please consider donating to Heroes for Children in Maggie's honor instead. The families we serve need it so much more than we do. Last week, we helped two families whose children were dying and couldn't even afford their bills to keep the dying child in their home. We had a few families with single moms struggling to provide for their children, work, and be there for the sick child in the hospital. We had a family from out of the country who didn't have a place to live. I'm provided for. Andrew and I have a roof over our head. We are stable enough to take care of our bills and be able to go out with our friends to dinner and movies. We aren't worrying about when our next check is coming in. That is a reality for many of the families Heroes for Children works for.
An online supporter emailed me when I first found out that I was pregnant to suggest an online baby shower. Her suggestion; however, was unique. She wanted an online shower with "registered items" that Heroes for Children needed. I love the idea. If you would like to participate in this shower, I would gratefully appreciate it. You can mail items to:
Heroes for Children 3411 Preston Rd. Suite C-13-227 Frisco, Tx 75034
Send us a picture of your children, drawings, notes, etc. We will keep a running tab and hopefully build some type of collage from it. Here are a few items we need for the families:
Jenny's "Registration" All items are tax deductible!
I believe that's it for now. This week is jammed pack with meetings and activities for HFC. I love being in our office! I feel so much more productive than on my living room couch! I'm looking forward to how we will continue to progress with this organization. I'm so proud to be a part of something I love so much.
I wanted to end with a few pictures. I noticed the guestbook asking for some preggo pics. I'm bad about remembering to do that. Who wants to see themselves looking fat? I'm not too particularly fond of it! Brandy got shaved yesterday for a "summer cut." I think it makes her look more like a puppy. She is soft as can be now too.
Hope you are all doing well. Thanks for continuing to check in on us. With lots of love,
Jenny and the sisters!
Monday, June 13th--
7:30pm--It's official. Today marks nine months since Allie has been gone. It doesn't sound like a big deal until you realize that Allie only lived 8 months 27 days. We've lived longer without her than we ever had her in our lives. It's a terrifying thought for me. I've been an emotional wreck for days. Most of the time, I'm fine, but I've had several breakdowns lately.
I miss her desperately. It scares me that I've been without her so long. Most days, it feels like we just said goodbye to her. But then, reality sets in. Anniversaries like this one bring me back and remind me that she has been gone so long. And the scary thing? She will only be gone longer as time goes by. Someone was talking about their favorite age of their children. 18 months seemed to be the consensus. 18 months is the age when the child is becoming independent, babbling, and fun. I wouldn't know if this is my favorite age for my child. Allie would be 18 months old this week, so I don't get to experience it with her. I hate cancer!!! I hate what it did to my family, both with my father and my daughter. I hate what it has done to families all over.
I used to think childhood cancer was rare. It stopped feeling rare in the hospital when we were meeting others with cancer all the time. It doesn't feel as rare with working with Heroes for Children. On a weekly basis, we get between two and four requests for assistance for families. Since January, we have assisted over 40 families in the DFW area. Just with three hospitals. Doesn't seem as rare anymore.
I didn't cry much today. I'm actually sick with a cold and some lovely stomach issues (still morning sickness-lucky me!). The other day was worse. It was the day I realized she had been gone 8 months 27 days. I spent the morning looking through her pictures, crying, and watching her videos. Jim reminds me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result. I always think I can watch just one of her video clips and then be done. I always think I can handle it without getting upset. I always end up watching every single clip we have of her, sobbing my guts out! Maybe I am a little crazy!
That afternoon, I went to see one of my oldest friends, Coleen Huebert. Coleen and I became friends in the 8th grade. We're very different in personality, but we have always gotten along well. In college, we went away to different states, but we stayed in touch. In fact, she was my Maid of Honor in our wedding and I was a bridesmaid in hers. She lives in Kansas, so we haven't seen enough of each other. Usually we see each other twice a year. When we do, we slip back into our comfortable friendship. It's as though we just saw each other. Coleen has always been there for me. She came to spend an afternoon with Allie when she was in town last summer. Allie was in a wonderful mood and we laughed and played with her the whole time. The morning of our graveside service, Coleen walked up to me to give me a hug. I wasn't expecting to see her, but I was so grateful that she came in to be there for me again. In December. Coleen and her husband Frank came to visit. Andrew and I met them for breakfast on Christmas Eve. The day after Christmas, her sister was hosting a baby shower for their firstborn baby girl. As much as I wanted to go, I couldn't. I couldn't go to a baby shower to celebrate a baby girl three months after the death of my baby girl. I felt as though I let her down. Brinley Marie Huebert was born three and a half months ago. I sent an email as soon as I found out, but I didn't send a card or call. What a jerk! I felt awful that for as much as Coleen has been there for me in my life, I wasn't there to celebrate her joy. Emotionally, I was just too scared. Coleen called me a few weeks ago to say that she would be in town with Brinley for a few days visiting her parents. I had to see her. I've missed her and I really wanted to meet her beautiful baby girl. Of course, I didn't realize that the day I would be seeing her was the day I would have a massive three hour meltdown! I called Coleen to tell her I would be a late, then called Frances to melt. Once I pulled myself together, I made the drive to Flower Mound to see Coleen and Brinley. What a gorgeous baby! It was my first time to hold a little one that young. Surprisingly, I handled myself well without crying. Only at the end did I cry for a little while.
Coleen was such a comfort for me that day. I needed to see her, and I am so glad I did. I needed to feel that little girl in my arms, as hard as it was to hold her. We had a long talk about religion too. The reason I became a Christian in high school was because of Coleen. She brought me to church and taught me about God. For me, Coleen has been the person I have turned to when I am spiritually confused. Her husband, Frank, is a youth pastor. Coleen assured me that even as a pastor's wife, she would probably question God too. I told her my thoughts about church right now and my feelings about God. She didn't judge or tell me that I was wrong. She didn't push, but shared her thoughts too. Coleen, thank you so much for that conversation. I hope you know how much it and more importantly, you, mean to me. And oh, Brinley--I couldn't love that little chunk more!
I'm so fortunate to have so many wonderful friends that support me and care about me. Most do not completely understand what I am going through, but they all try to understand. Only Larissa fully understands the depth of the pain since she went through it herself with the death of her mother, daughter, and now her pregnancy with a new child. When I tell her how I am feeling, she nods her head in understanding. Wish we didn't understand each other so well. Then again, it is what makes us a good team for Heroes for Children.
Thank you to all who have given us support in the last year. There will be more meltdowns, I know. The pain is still fresh. We have more anniversaries, such as her one year anniversary of her death. However, I know that we will be able to handle it because we have the support and love of our family and friends.
With lots of love, Jenny and my actively kicking girl Maggie (who is still making her mama feel terrible!)
Monday, June 6th--
12:00pm--Yesterday, Andrew and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. For Christmas, our family friends Bob and Mary Albritton gave us a gift certificate to Rough Creek Lodge (www.roughcreek.com) for an overnight stay, dinner, and breakfast. This place was incredible! We decided since we didn't get to go anywhere besides dinner a Houston's for our anniversary last year, we wanted to save the gift certificate to use for this special occasion. Last year was one of the only days Allie was at home during her treatment. Our mom's watched her while we went to a garage sale by his company for Allie and out to dinner (see June 5th's post in Allie's story--I even went over how Andrew and I met!)
I can't say enough how lucky I am that Andrew is in my life. He blesses me every day. He is my strength. After all that we have been through, I am so honored to say that I am his wife. I admire him and the way he has handled himself in the past year. Some men build up walls that are so big, keeping everyone out. Some bury themselves with work or refuse to talk about the child they lost. Andrew and I discuss Allie on a daily basis. He is extremely excited about our upcoming arrival of Maggie, and is always supportive of my work with Heroes for Children. I have never met a better man in my life.
The last nine months, we've had to make an effort to keep our marriage strong, but I am so thankful that we have done so. Losing Allie was devastating. The pain that we felt then and continue to feel is immeasurable. However, if I were to lose Andrew on top of that, I don't think I could survive. The whole reason we had that beautiful child was to honor our love and share that love for each other with another human being. It does nothing for Allie's memory if we let ourselves fall apart. Andrew--thank you so much for six wonderful years of marriage. The past ten years with you have made me a better person. I am so very grateful every day to be your wife and I love you more every day.
OK, one quick order of business...
Tomorrow night is our 12 South event at Obzeet's in Plano. If you have never been there, don't let that stop you! It is such a neat place to have dessert and enjoy others' company. The cost is $20 for dessert and coffee, but all the proceeds go to benefit our 12 South team for Light the Night. Bring a friend! Hope to see you there!
Thank for all the sweet posts about our little surprise! We can't wait to meet Maggie! Take care, Jenny
Thursday, May 26th--
4:05pm--Surprising update--
Baby "Drew" is no longer making an entrance into our world. Baby Maggie is on HER way! As I wrote four weeks ago, finding out that early was very preliminary. We knew it could change. We knew things could change and that painting the nursery was premature.
I was excited about the possibility of a boy, but I am just as excited about another girl. We know that we want more children, so we may be blessed with a Drew later in our life. All we want is a healthy baby. I don't care the gender (though I do like to plan, so knowing was a necessity!). Today, on the sonogram, I saw the most important things. It wasn't "parts" or lack there of. It was arms, legs, a beating heart, a healthy baby. I couldn't ask for more. I miss being a mom so desperately. To have a child in my arms is all I dream about and all that truly matters.
Margaret Elizabeth Scott will enter our life the end of October/first of November. We will call her both Margaret and Maggie, just as we called Allie Allison as well. When I talk about Allie, I always use her nickname. However, when I spoke to her, I usually called her Allison. We like the idea of a more formal name and one that we like the shortened version.
Being a pregnant, grieving mother is often a roller coaster of emotions. I'm excited for a new birth and a new beginning, yet I'm terrified. I am going to greet a new girl in my life, yet I miss my other girl so badly. I smile and laugh, and I cry. I've probably cried more in the past month than I have in the three months before that. I was reading on my friend Dayna's site (mom to angel Hayley) about the various stages of grief. It's not fluid. It doesn't always follow a pattern that makes sense. Often, the months further out are just as hard, if not harder, than some of those right in the beginning. You're just numb then. Now, the pain is much more apparent. I was always thankful that Allie was our only child because it gave us the ability to be with her at all times during her illness. We were 100% committed to her. The bad part is that we are now left childless. I miss parenting a child, and I am anxious to be able to do the normal mama things again.
For all the moms out there--please enjoy the lucky moments of life you have. Changing diapers, going to the park, getting up in the middle of the night to comfort a child-those are lucky moments. Anyone who has the opportunity to sit on a couch with a baby on their chest tonight while watching TV (my favorite thing!) is extremely lucky. I can't wait for that in November.
Much love to everyone. Andrew--I love you!
--Jenny and Maggie!
Tuesday, May 17th--
In order to make more room for posts, I have archived my previous posts. To read back, click on Previous Jenny Post 3.
Can I tell you how much I adore the Eisenberg twins? OH! They are hilarious! This weekend, Dana and Dennis went to their nephew's bar mitzah (spelling?) in Oakland along with Dennis' parents. Elvia, their nanny, was able to keep the boys on Friday and Friday night, but Dana needed coverage for Sat. and Sat. night. In comes Jenny and Andrew! They were so good! Don't get me wrong, they are exhausting and require lots of energy (I have a newfound respect for Dana), but they are fun and sweet. Two of the biggest lover boys I've ever met. Sam would love nothing more than to curl up and snuggle for hours. We played, swam, and took them out to dinner (Dana applauded our bravery for that move!). That night, Andrew went home to take care of Brandy, so it was just me and the boys. All in the same bed! Needless to say, I needed a big nap the next day, but we made it.
Mother's Day went smoothly. Frances outdid herself with cooking. My mom's birthday was the day before, so Frances suggested cooking for everyone--all 13 people who came to our house! We had my brother Jeremy and his girlfriend Debra, me, Andrew, Frances, Jim, mom, Bill, Bill's son, daughter in law and granddaughter, and two surprise guests--Andrew's sister Amie and Isabella all the way from Utah! Frances prepared a feast of three big lasagnas, our favorite homemade rolls, and a mandarin orange salad. We laughed, talked, and watched the girls play together. It was a lot of fun! Jim, Frances, Amie, and Izzy spent the night, and we all woke up the next morning prepared to eat again. Not letting us down, Frances starting working on brunch.
As we were sitting on the couch together, Amie quietly tells me that she wonders if she got pregnant this month. "I brought a test, should I take it?" YES!!! Take the test!!! I was about to jump out of my skin. "Well, I'm too nervous. I'll go take it, but Jenny, will you please check it for me?" Without the rest of the family noticing, she slipped into the restroom and returned a minute later. After a few minutes, she asked me to go look. I didn't know what to expect. Amie and Michael have been trying as long as we have. They have a beautiful three year old daughter and are the most deserving parents I know. For me, Amie is the ultimate role model of how loving a mother should be. Tears welled up in my eyes when I saw the two pink lines. Amie is pregnant!! I opened the door and silently crying, nodded me head at her. She and I locked eyes across the room sharing the moment. "What's going on?" Jim asked. "Oh, Jenny has some news for you." "OK, Jenny, we all know you're pregnant!" Jim responds (he's a bit of a smart ass sometimes, but we love him just the same!). I looked at everyone and said, "I'm not the only one pregnant in this room."
Turns out, Amie hadn't peed when she went in the bathroom. The test was from two days before when she had tested with Michael in Utah. However, she wanted me to know first. We're going to have babies within two months of each other!! We couldn't be happier. The three of them, well, four if you count the peanut, are moving to Oklahoma in about two months to begin Michael's PHD program at Oklahoma University. Instead of being a 24 hour drive away, they will be only 3 hours away. We're so excited! Especially now since "the cousins" will be so close in age. I would love nothing more than for them to be close. Please add Amie to your prayers for a healthy pregnancy.
This week is fairly slow, which feels very strange. The pregnancy is going well. I still take my zofran everyday and still throw up often, but I'm hoping it will subside soon. I mean, I'm almost 16 weeks for goodness sakes! No, I've gotten so used to it that it doesn't bother me. Its minor compared to the vomiting Allie did with chemotherapy and for a much better reason. With Allie, I whined and complained all the time about throwing up. I've only caught myself a few times being really bothered by it. Poor Larissa got a whiney email from me complaining. Oh, have I mentioned that she is pregnant too?? That's right, the Co-founder and Executive Director of Heroes for Children along with me is pregnant! She's due three weeks before me with her fourth, and only son! I couldn't be more happy for my friends Kenny and Larissa!
Its been a long time since I've posted any pictures, so I couldn't resist. Here are several for you to see.... Please see the post below for a Mary Kay fundraiser for our friends.
Monday, May 16th--
I know that I haven't posted in over a week, and I plan to, but probably not tonight. I'm tired. I just wanted to post about a fundraiser for our family friends, the Jones family. You can read about Olivia Jones and her four year battle with leukemia at www.caringbridge.org/tx/oliviajones.
An independent Mary Kay Consultant, Helene Wommack, has offered profits from website sales to benefit Olivia. Shop on her website--www.marykay.com/hwommack--between now and May 21, 2005. Fifty percent (50%) of your purchase will be donated. Consider ordering the latest in Mary Kay skin care--the Microdermabrasion Set, which is "Instant Gratification" for your skin. And complete our skin care routine with the TimeWise Miracle Set. Be sure to include Olivia's name in the Comment Section online. As an added bonus, Helene's commission on new consultants added through this fundraiser will be donated. Contact Helene through her website If you are in need of any products, please consider ordering from Helene in the next five days to help out a wonderful family and a beautiful princess.
Thanks, Jenny
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