|
|
|
     |
|||||||||||||||||||||
 |
 |
||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
< |
Copyright 2004 All Rights Reserved Jenny and Andrew Scott (c)
Heroes for Children's official website is up!
Our official Friends of Allie website for Light the Night with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Other Jenny Posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
12 South Angels Light the Night
Tuesday, Nov. 8th--
7:00pm--All our hardwork is paying off! Maggie and I have been attached all weekend. I feed her (usually only side at a time to let her get the hindmilk), then pump, feed her the pumped bottle, then if she is still hungry, she will take an ounce of formula. This process usually takes us over an hour and then she eats again within another hour. On Friday afternoon, her weight was 6 lbs 12 1/2 oz. This morning at the doctor's office, she weighed in at 7 lbs 2 1/2 oz. Granted, this still doesn't get her up to birthweight, but we are very pleased. She had a 6 oz increase in less than four days! Yeah Maggie! We go back next Tues. to check her weight again. Hopefully, she will continue to see success. The entire feeding process is very worth it to me.
She has been an absolute angel. When we first brought her home, we thought we were in for it. She was very fussy. Turns out--she was hungry! Now, she is alert and happy. She wakes up happy, smacking her mouth and moving her head around ready to eat. No cries. She is very active too. Just a darling sweet baby. It's hard to let her go and put her down, though we know we have to sometimes. My favorite part of her body is her soft head and hair. She has thick soft hair. I could just rub her little head for hours. We couldn't ask for a better baby. Can you tell I am in love with my little girl?
I feel like the luckiest woman. I have a beautiful, HEALTHY baby girl, a fun, loving dog, an angel watching over me, and the most incredible husband ever. Many women complain that their husbands don't help during the first few weeks. Often times, men don't know how to relate to a newborn. Not Andrew. He can't get enough of his daughter. I find him staring at him with eyes sparkling with love. Knowing that once I am "hooked up" to the baby I am immobile for a while, Andrew takes care of me to help out. He makes sure I have water by me and gets me anything I ask for without ever complaining. To help wake her up during a feeding, he takes her for a diaper change. It takes a few minutes before she comes back to me because the two of them are loving on each other in her nursery. Just when I think I couldn't love that man anymore than I already do, I see him with our child and my heart just swells even more. How did I get to be so lucky?
Frances is spending the week with us. Tomorrow, Amie and Isabella come to meet Maggie for the first time. I can't wait for Maggie to meet her cousin. Not much longer before her next cousin is born. Baby Searcy is due the first week of January, but we don't know the sex of the baby. I love that the babies will be so close in age.
Thanks for checking in with us. Please wish my favorite twin boys a belated happy birthday! Sam and Ethan celebrated their fifth birthday yesterday. Sunday is their birthday party, and Andrew and I will proudly be there with Maggie with big smiles.
Also, please check in on my favorite cancer warrior, Jacob Duckworth. Jacob has been battling his cancer for quite some time and experiencing one issue after another. It wasn't long ago that his family was given the devastating news that he was not expected to live longer than a few days. Amazingly, Jacob proved them all wrong. I remember a year ago wondering how people could be attached to a child (Allie) that they had never met except via the internet. I think I've figured it out. I just adore this beautiful little boy. His eyes have captivated me. Dana and I check on him daily and even discuss his progress. I understand people's infatuation with Allie now! Please send love, say prayers, and think positively for this sweet boy, his brothers, and his loving parents.
With lots of love--most especially for my wonderful family, Jenny Sunday, Nov. 6th--
11:00pm--It's been an interesting week...We had a baby's mini-period, a newborn rash, jaundice with bililights, visitors galore, pumping and feeding issues, photography and even broken bones!
Maggie's replacement bilibed arrived Tues. evening. We had such a better night. She didn't seemed bothered at all by the bed and slept quite a bit. We were finally able to make a prison break from the lights Wed. afternoon. Debbie and her kids were over for a visit, and we decided to walk around the block with Maggie. This would be her first outing. Brandy, hearing the word walk, frantically tried to join us, but I couldn't find her pinch collar. I don't like to walk her without it because she pulls so badly. So, we left her at the house with my mom (who was working on Heroes stuff on my computer). Debbie and the kids couldn't walk long, so we headed back to my house. The weather was so beautiful and I was so stir crazy that I didn't want to go back in right away. So, I convinced my mom to come out with us. Having seen Brandy throw such a fit when we left the first time, Mom wanted to bring Brandy with us. Against my better judgement, I agreed. Well, it was a bad decision!
After seeing just how strong Brandy really is, my mom switched with me and took over the stroller. We walked one street over to walk around the neighborhood ponds. Maggie's soon to be babysitter, Angela Kenton, lives across the street from the ponds. Since Maggie and Angela had yet to meet, I thought I would knock on the door. I went to cross the street with Brandy when mom offered to take her so I could knock on the door without having to control her. Again, against my better judgment, I handed her over. As Angela was walking across the street to greet Maggie, Brandy bounded into the street to greet her, dragging my mom with her. Unfortunately, Mom didn't have her footing and wasn't braced for how strong Brandy would pull her. Brandy yanked her so hard that she slipped out of her shoes and finally fell hard on the concrete in the middle of the street. Poor Brandy just wanted to visit. Poor mom couldn't get up. Her ankle or foot had major problems, she just wasn't sure what was main problem. Unable to walk even from my couch to our guest room, Mom opted to stay with us for the night. The next morning, Andrew dropped her off at the nearest hospital ER. I stayed at home with Maggie with the intent to pick her up when she was finished. Four and a half hours later, mom was ready to be picked up. Of course, I had just settled in to feed Maggie, so Andrew's Aunt Peggy, here to visit, offered to get her from the ER. She now sports a big boot on her right foot and crutches because she has multiple hairline fractures in the top of her foot. Damn dog!
Thursday night, Debbie, Hannah, and Ben came to stay the night with us to help out. We spent the next day visiting, going to the park, and watching movies. Dana picked up my mom and brought her over to my house for a visit. That afternoon, Deb, Mom, and the kids went with me to weigh the baby at the lactation consultant's house before dropping off the kids with their dad. Motherly instinct, I guess, but I didn't feel secure in how she is gaining. I thought she had gained something since Tues. though since she was eating so often and well. Nope. She was still 6 lbs 13 oz. When we weighed her at the doctor's office, she had a wet diaper on, she most likely she was less than 6 lbs 13 oz. The lactation consultant stressed to me that she will not meet her birth weight by the time of her two week check-up (it's actually Tues. when she is 13 days old). I was so discouraged and frustrated. I held it together at her house, but began crying as soon as I hit the car. We've worked so hard at this! I journal all her diapers and feedings. She is making more than enough wet and poopy diapers. Most likely, she wasn't getting the hindmilk, which is the most fatty. So, we left with a new game plan. During the day, we feed every two hours. After we are done, I pump for five to ten minutes to get the rest of the hindmilk out and Andrew feeds it to the baby with a bottle. She seems to be doing fine with the bottle without any confusion. I am also taking fenugreek, a natural herbal supplement to increase my supply.
I want so badly for this to work for us. I want for her to be able to feed and gain weight more importantly though. We'll see what Dr. Katz says on Tues morning about her weight. I will consider it a success if she picks up some weight between now and Tues. That way I will think that all our hard work this weekend will have paid off. The funny thing is that she doesn't really look that tiny. How can a child that is that little have chunky cheeks and a double chin? It cracks me up!
Saturday morning, Maggie had newborn photos taken here at the house. A sweet woman named Jennifer Weintraub contacted me the day Maggie was born. She had followed Allie's story and even brought my family a meal when we were in the hospital, though she only met my mom. Jennifer offered to do Maggie's newborn photos. The photo session started with Andrew, me, and Maggie all together, with her completely naked. Of course, she peed all over Andrew! She looked so beautiful and was wide awake during the photos. I couldn't help but to tear up a little during the family photo. Allie's absence was certainly felt. We didn't have a hyper 22 month old running around during the photo shoot. We didn't have a picture of two beautiful sisters loving on each other. Instead, we have a picture of Maggie up against my chest with her face and hands close to the picture of Allie on my neck. We took another picture of all of us standing in "Allie's Alley" with our Katy Tartakoff family pictures. In the nursery, we have a soft plush pink bunny chair from Pottery Barn. Maggie fit perfectly in the crook of the arm of the bunny, laying sweetly on her side. She looked so angelic. Of course, knowing that she hadn't pooped in a while, Andrew and I got a little nervous. Sure enough, right before we were finished with the bunny, she had an explosion! You could hear it across the room-- a definite "code brown." We all just about died laughing! Maggie looked at us with nothing short of sweet innocence. It was precious. Not to worry though because Andrew got it all cleaned up. The final pictures taken before the "accident" were ones of Maggie holding my necklace of Allie's pictures in her tiny hands. It was the closest thing we will come to having them taking their portraits together.
Jennifer will be returning in two weeks to show us proofs and help us order pictures as well as her birth announcements. I can't wait to see them! She does really beautiful work. Very up close shots that are intimate and sweet. She took pictures of all the little details of Maggie--her feet and toes, hands, head cradled in my arms. Jennifer gave us permission to post the pictures, so as soon as they are available, Andrew will create a page just for the photos. Jennifer will be Maggie's photographer throughout her first year. The bunny chair will be a constant prop to let us monitor her growth. Andrew and I are so thankful for Jennifer and her kindness. We felt so at ease with her and feel very confident in her talent.
Frances and Jim are coming today, and Frances will be staying all week to help. I have to get to doing some Heroes for Children work, so Frances will be helpful between feedings to help with the baby. I also have a big goal to begin losing some weight. It is too difficult to officially diet when people are still bringing meals. I did ask them not to bring any desserts though! Mom and I plan on doing Weight Watchers together beginning the first of December. I had success with Weight Watchers about four years ago, so I know I can do it again. I am determined this time! I want to get down to not just my pre-pregnancy weight with Maggie but to my pre-preggo weight with Allie. I lost all but five pounds after she was born, but then I gained ten more after she was diagnosed and with her death.
With only about an hour or so in between each feeding and pumping session, the next feeding comes quickly. It's time for me to get going and love on my girl. Loving on my girls is what I do best!
Jenny
Tuesday, Nov. 1st--
What a night. Poor baby screamed so hard in that damn contraption. Mom and Andrew took shifts watching her under the lamp and trying to calm her down. I alternated between feeding her and getting in cat naps. By morning, we all looked like crap!
I knew that posting on this site would bring positive results. This little girl has a network of people loving and caring for her that far surpasses anything we could ever hope for. Within minutes of posting last night, well wishes, prayers, suggestions were being sent over. Such love from all over. What a blessed and lucky little girl.
Well, it worked! Your prayers and happy thoughts for Maggie (and our sanity!) came through, just as I knew they would. With people like you out there and Allie in heaven to watch over us, we're protected. Maggie spent the night and day under the lights. The stress of the lamp finally took over, and she has spent the day fast asleep. She is most at peace when we breastfeed (which I love!!).
Yesterday, her bilirubin level was 18.8. Today, it was 11.1!!! That's our girl, our little fighter. Dr. Katz was extremely pleased with her progress. He said that he would have been pleased if it had been 15, so 11.1 was fantastic. Only one more day of the lights and he felt certain she would be fine.
Now, I am not a fan of that suitcase/tanning bed contraption at all. Last night, Andrew and I researched jaundice and treatments. Between that research and the comments coming from the supporters, we quickly learned that the lamp Maggie was under was not the only option. There is also a biliblanket to wrap the baby in, as well as a billibed. This bed has a built in outfit that the baby lies in--no lights above, nothing to worry about with their eyes, etc. Andrew and I realized that we got the sucky end of the deal. He jokes that there is the biliblanket, the bilibed, and we got stuck with the "bilibullshit!" So, we asked Dr. Katz if it was possible to switch. Another night in that thing did NOT sound like anything we could handle. Dr. Katz heard our plea and agreed that it would be worth switching if the rental company had it available. Smart us already called the company earlier that day to find out. We were determined! I'm happy to report that our sweet little one is sleeping comfortably in it right now! What a difference.
Andrew and I feel so much better. So much so that we even took a short trip to Target for all the purchases we needed while my mom stayed with her. Have I mentioned how incredible my mom has been? She has the week off to help with the baby. Since she only lives ten minutes away, she did not plan on staying overnight. However, she knew after one glance at the screaming baby in the torture chamber last night that we needed her to stay. She quickly went home, gathered a bag, and came back to be here with us. Tonight, she is staying again so that Andrew can get some sleep. He has to return to work tomorrow (he was supposed to be there today, but that just wasn't going to happen). Without Mom, I don't think I would have survived. I'm so lucky to have her.
Our daughter is amazing. Beautiful and sweet. Even though her disposition in the beginning was one of attitude, she is slowing calming down. The two of us are loving breastfeeding. I was unable to breastfeed Allison for personal reasons, and I was very apprehensive about trying this go round. I've worried so much about not being able to produce enough to sustain her. To tell the truth, the appeal of breastfeeding wasn't there for me either. All the reading, the class we attended, nothing made me feel excited about it. It hurts, it's stressful, and many women struggle with it. I am so happy that we have been successful. Of course, it does hurt and I'm still a little sore from engorgement, but I am enjoying it. I love the skin to skin. I love that my daughter is comforted by me. The only thing that comforted her last night was getting up close to me. Losing sleep was well worth it. Due to the jaundice, I was told to feed more frequently. We were feeding every two to two and a half hours, even through the night. I also needed to pump and give her any excess I produced. So, I basically got an hour in between feedings. I locked myself in either the guest room or my room with my ipod in my ears, listening to Jack Johnson, to mute out the cries. I knew if I heard her crying hard, I wouldn't be able to get the rest I needed. I think in the end, I got almost five hours of sleep (after a late nap between 11:30am--12:30om). It was a sacrifice well worth making. I know that between the photo lamp (which, by the way the doctor said was probably more effective in getting rid of the jaundice so much than the bilibed), and my constant feeding, we were able to make big strides.
Maggie is still very much our peanut. It's different for us since we were used to the tank of a baby that Allie was. She lost ten percent of her birth weight, now bringing her down to 6lbs 13 oz. The goal of the first two weeks of life is to regain birth weight. Being a nervous mama, I don't know that I can wait until next week to know her weight progress (again, I still worry that I am producing enough for her and want to be able to exclusively breastfeed if possible). I have been in contact with the lactation consultant that taught our breastfeeding class several times in the last few days. She is so kind and patient. I am scheduling a consult visit with her this Thursday or Friday to come and evaluate our progress, give tips and pointers, as well as bring her baby scale to weigh the baby. That way, if there is an issue, I can get on top of it over five days sooner. Let's hope she begins to pick up some weight and doesn't lose any more.
I believe that is it for now. I have updated the photo album on Maggie's site to include a few more pictures. Ending with the happiest one of the day,
The new bilibed--the light is underneath her
Thank you again for the support. We are reminded each day of our blessings. Jenny
Monday, Oct. 31st--Not a Happy Halloween for Maggie
Our poor baby. This morning, her bilirubin level was even more elevated, now warranting the photolamp. The problem? Maggie doesn't do well when she isn't in someone's arms. She is only allowed out to breastfeed and have a diaper change. During the day tomorrow, she and I will breastfeed in front of a window to give her indirect sunlight. The "torture chamber," otherwise known as the photolamp is sitting in her pack-n-play in the center of our living room. A very flimsy shield is velcroed up to protect her eyes from the light. She flails her arms so widely when she cries that she undoes the velcro shield in a heartbeat. So, someone is on shift at all times. My mom is staying the night to help out. I am having to breastfeed every two hours to help her get the bilirubin out.
I don't know who this is harder on. Honestly, probably me and Andrew. Within the last twenty four hours, her disposition has been so much better. We've had a wonderful time with her and she has barely cried. She even played in her bouncy seat for thirty minutes before falling asleep on her own for over an hour last night. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but it was for us! Now, she is miserable. She tries to sleep, but then cries.
I'm an emotional wreck. Last night, I finally had a meltdown. We had to call the doctor because she is covered in a rash. That freaked me out (Allie presented with a severe rash). From that moment on, I was unstable. This morning, both of us were apprehensive and almost to the point of physically sick at the thought of going to the doctor. The last time we were at that office, we were told our four month old had cancer. Sitting in the waiting room, I lost it. The memories flooded my brain.
I know that a little jaundice isn't bad. It isn't AML, that's for sure. But we just want our baby girl to be perfect. Seeing her have any problem is heartbreaking for us.
Please say a quick prayer for our Maggie and for us. Pray that she makes it through the night and is able to get some sleep (and us too). Pray specifically for our mental well being. She needs us to be as calm as possible to help her. Pray for her to continue to poop--this will help her get rid of the bilirubin. Pray for good results at her doctors appointment tomorrow and that she will not have to be under the lamp more than a day or two. For a child that won't even sleep but in someone's arms, this is really difficult for all of us.
Thank you for checking on her. It's time to feed. Jenny
Saturday, Oct. 29th--
10:00pm--Let me tell you about our daughter--she is spit fire. "A force to be reckoned with," as my mother describes her. A tiny peanut of only 7 lbs, she has strength like I have never seen in a newborn. She can flail her arms, kick her feet, and scream like it's no body's business. She fights to breastfeed before settling in to sleep, refuses to sleep during the day unless in the arms of a loved one (she is currently asleep in our room alone--the first time!!), and snuggles so well that you never want to let her go. She has my hair line, my nose, Allie's lip, chubby cheeks, a double chin, and tiny little legs. For being as little as she is, she has height--21 inches long. Andrew and I couldn't be happier.
Maggie entered our world on Wed. Oct. 26th at 1:01pm. The delivery was, surprisingly, incredibly easy. True to my pregnancy, I was sick until the end, vomiting even in the delivery room several times. I was so excited to wake up Thurs. morning and not feel nauseous for the first time in nine months!
At 12:49pm, I began pushing. 12 minutes later, she came out screaming. The emotion in the room is truly indescribable. I heard her cry and welled with tears. Andrew looked into my eyes shining with pride and love for me and Maggie, and we cried together. Finally, I held my daughter. Ah, holding my baby was nothing short of blissful. She's beautiful, and I'm so in love with this little one.
Allie's presence was certainly felt throughout the entire process. As we were checking in, the nurse helping us told us that she had followed Allie's story through the internet from Maine. She had just recently moved back to Texas. The last time she read our site, I had announced our happy news, and she recognized our name on the charts that night. Our first post partum nurse, Robin, also followed our site after learning of Allie through Dana's site. Robin and I hit it off really well, talking longer each time she came in the room to check on me. Allie had guided these people into my life. I think she hand picked those wonderful people, such as Jennifer in the nursery, to take care of me and Maggie.
When Allie died, I told myself that I didn't know how I could possibly love someone as much as I loved her. I didn't want to give myself so completely again and feared loving like that again. Those fears hit me throughout the pregnancy. Would I heal? Would I allow myself to give completely to another human being again like that? Everyone said yes. Everyone told me how healing they thought Maggie would be for us. Still, my anxiety about the situation brought doubt. Doubt washed away this week. I'm completely, whole heartedly, madly in love with my daughter. I look at her and feel nothing but love and pride. I can't stop kissing her. I kiss her head, neck, belly, feet. She has long tiny toes that I could sit and stare at for days. When she finally settles in to feed with me (which can sometimes be an experience in and of itself that can take more than just me to get it to happen!), I spend my time rubbing her back and her massaging the back of her neck and ears. I'm not the only one. Andrew can't get enough of her. He walks around with a giant smile, stopping to kiss her at every opportunity.
On the way home from the hospital, Andrew and I were discussing our situation. He described exactly what I had been feeling for days. We were conditioned for more five months to expect bad news from doctors and nurses. We got used to hearing devastating news with low expectations for good results. For three days this week, doctors and nurses came in and out of my hospital room. Every time they walked in, Andrew and I both held our breath for a moment or two. When were they going to drop the bomb? When would the pediatrician, Dr. Katz (Allie's former doctor too) tell us that he found something to be concerned about? During her hearing screening, her right ear didn't pass right away. She quickly passed on the left, but they were furthering the test for the right. Debbie and Dana were sitting on the couch talking and following her progress. I remember looking at them and looking at the baby. My immediate thought was--"ok, she's deaf." I ran through the entire scenario in my head in a matter of seconds. Minutes later, the technician announced that all was clear. She simply was too alert. They prefer for the babies to sleeping during the hearing test because they find more accurate results. She's slightly jaundiced, but not enough to warrant the photo lamps. We simply sun bathe in front of a window naked but her diaper several times a day. We have a scheduled doctor's appointment for Monday morning, so hopefully it will be better by then. However minor this issue is, it doesn't stop me from searching her entire body for signs that it has worsened. Today, we found tiny spots of blood in her diaper three times. We searched her to see if she was cut somehow. Nothing. When I saw it in the third diaper, I declared we needed to call the doctor. For the five minutes we waited for the doctor to call back, I wondered what could be wrong with her. Turns out, she is having a "mini-period." Apparently, it is fairly common in baby girl's. They have excess hormones leftover from mom to get of their body. Of course, they recommended we monitor her for fever or any changes, but still reassured us that this issue is completely normal. When will normal issues not scare us? I think it will be a long time.
It's time to wake her up to feed again, so I will sign off. I don't know how often I will be able to post, hopefully at least once a week or more, but it really depends on Miss Maggie. However, we will continue to update her page with new pictures every few days. Andrew fiddled around with the site and created a new photo album within the baby Maggie page. I hope you like it. I think it looks really neat.
Before I sign off, let me say a few thank yous. First, thank you to Medical Center of Plano for the flexibility, kindness, and security you provided my family this week. Thank you to every nurse that cared for me and Maggie--each of you made me feel like we were your number one priority, though I know that you had many other patients. I am so grateful to Terri and Kym in L&D, Jennifer, Lori, and Maria, Robin, Debra, Lena, and Kellie in post partum, as well as Janet Kirksey, the director of women's services at the hospital. You were all incredible, and I know I wouldn't have survived without you. Special thanks to Dennis and Dana--I couldn't have had better doctors :) --as well as Susan and Carla in Dennis' office. What a wonderful experience this pregnancy, delivery, and recovery were all because of these special people.
Finally, let me end with two pictures. My girls could have been twins!
Lots of love, Jenny
Wednesday, Oct. 26th--in the hospital!!
Read Dana's site for a full description. I just sent Andrew home for a good night's rest after he got me all settled in here in the hospital. Not going to post much because the sleeping pill is kicking in. Please say happy prayers--we hope to have a little girl in our arms by mid to late afternoon!!
Here's a final preggo pic of me taken just minutes before I put on the gown here at the hospital. 39 weeks along.
Thanks, Jenny
Thursday, Oct. 20th--
12:00pm--Andrew and I are in true countdown mode. Since there is actually a "Maggie Pool" on the Friends of Allie message board, I won't post the actual induction day, but I will say it is soon! We are counting down each day. Everything is ready. We have everything but the baby!
And she couldn't come sooner. It's been 13 months since we have been parents--way too long! This week, I've been on "bedrest." Dana and Dennis are in Disney World with the twins and having a blast. I agreed to bedrest while they were gone. Dana was very worried about my going into labor in their absence. I can't wait for them to get back tomorrow--I'm going stir crazy! That's ok, its worth it. It is absolutely imperative that Dennis delivers me.
I've been asked who will be in the delivery room. As many as they will allow me is my answer. With Allie, both our mothers were in the room. I would love for Debbie and Dana to be there as well. I was in the room when Debbie's son Ben was born. Of course, we also have the cameras, so I don't know how much the hospital will allow. Why am I so willing to have so many people in the delivery room? Because I want them to be with us to share our joy. Last September, over twenty people witnessed the most intimate moment of our lives. More intimate than our daughter's birth was her death. They were there for the most painful moment of my life. I would love to have those important people present for a happy and joyous occasion as well.
As of this morning, Maggie is head down and ready to go! I'm not dilated, and she hasn't dropped. Allie never did either. I think it is just my babies--they don't drop. Hopefully, labor will go smoothly! I'm just glad that as of now, a C-section is not planned! I'm a ball of emotions--excited, nervous, scared out of my mind, anxious, thrilled beyond belief!
In non baby related news....
The Heroes for Children Golf Classic was a HUGE success last week. It was well worth all the hard work! The players were happy, the course was extremely accomodating, and everything went off without a hitch! The success of the tournament will have such an impact on families we serve. By the end of this year, we are estimating to have given out between $125,000--150,000 directly to families! I can't believe my Allie has led my life in this way. If it wasn't for her influence in my life, I wouldn't know a thing about childhood cancer. Her strength and love has motivated me and moved my life in a different direction. Each week when I write checks to the families, I remind myself how thankful I am for my sweet baby girl. With this much success in 2005 for Heroes for Children, I can't wait to see our continued success in the future! Cancer families deserve the assistance.
In the search for a cure for leukemia and all blood related cancers, Andrew and I will join the rest of the 12 South Angels team on Sat. night for the Light the Night walk benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. If you would still like to join us, it's not too late! They register walkers on site too! We can't wait to walk (well, ride the golf cart for me!) I'm excited that Sam, the national poster child for LTN, will actually walk with the team this year. Last year, he was still too soon post transplant to be exposed to that many germs. The Eisenbergs rode in the golf cart last year, leading the entire walk. Having him healthy enough to walk with the team is so exciting!
That's it for now. My next post will be Sunday after Light the Night with a few pictures, and then hopefully the next post after that will be one announcing great news and pictures of a beautiful newborn baby girl.
Lots of love, Jenny
Thursday, Oct. 6th-- 11:00pm--Andrew and I have come to realize that our girls do things their way. That even includes our dog Brandy. You couldn't get Allison to do anything she didn't want to do, and apparently, the same goes for Maggie!
Little Miss Maggie decided that a gymnastics life is best for her in utero. The past few days, I have been feeling low kicks again. I told Dennis this morning before my exam. Sure enough, he says, "I'm not feeling anything that would be a head!" Of course not because our gymnast flipped again! Knowing her, she will probably flip several more times before her scheduled day. However, we are keeping the c-section on the books just in case.
Brandy, my sweet lover dog, is more loving than ever. Besides her favorite toy, socks, she has found the new love of her life--a small teddy bear. She found it in Maggie's room and brought it out into our living room. We thought for sure that bear would see its death within hours. No, its been more than two weeks. Instead, the bear goes with her everywhere. She lovingly carries it in her mouth all around the house. If you call her, she gets her bear first, and then comes to see you. She prefers to have the bear and at least one sock in her mouth if she can find one. That makes her one happy golden retriever! Andrew and I just laugh all the time about it because it is so darn cute. It's her baby!
Luke Aaron Linton was born last Friday weighing 7lbs 12 oz. He and Larissa are both doing very well. Andrew and I went to see them in the hospital the night he was born. As we were leaving our house, I said that I couldn't wait to get my hands on that baby to hold. Andrew immediately responded that he had no intention of holding the baby. He looked at me and said that the last baby he held was Allie. He has been saving up. He refuses to hold another baby until it is his daughter. Needless to say, he is very anxious for her arrival!
Not much else to report. Work has been hectic with Larissa out and the golf tournament next Friday. I then go on mandatory bedrest given to me by my doctor--Dana! I don't mind though. I could use a week of laying on my couch! If you have not signed up for Light the Night, please consider it! Our team, 12 South Angels will walk in the Plano walk on Sat. Oct. 22nd. We invite everyone to join us! Please see Dana's website for details about various fundraisers coming up.
Lots of love to everyone and most especially my three precious girls (I can't not include my sweet baby Brandy!) Jenny
Thursday, Sept. 29th--
8:00pm--In the past month, I think I've felt every emotion. I've been sad, hurt, upset, scared, anxious, happy, frustrated, excited, and everything in between. Today, I am thankful. There are so many things to be thankful for, and I don't feel whiney at all. I'm tired of whining (which I do quite well this far in my pregnancy!).
Andrew and I went for our last sonogram today. Miss Maggie has been extremely breech for weeks. No one thought she was going to turn. Thankfully, she turned!! Maggie is now head down, getting prepared for her delivery. When I had Allie, my OB was concerned with how difficult her delivery was. She even said in the delivery room afterwards that I needed to consider a C-section the next time. I don't really want a C-section, but I've been mentally preparing for it. So far, Maggie is looking to be smaller than Allie. We have an induction day scheduled with the hope that she will be smaller than Allie and I will be able to avoid a C-section.
The best thing about our sonogram today was seeing our healthy baby (and yes, she is still a girl!). She is still facing up, so we were able to get a great picture of her face. My active little one, who is a constant mover, put on a show for us. She waved, kicked, and chewed. Looking at her face, I could immediately see a resemblance to Allie. Even in the sonogram! I remember seeing that same picture almost two years ago!
Life is good.
Please say a prayer for our friends Larissa and Kenny. Larissa is being induced first thing tomorrow morning. I am so excited for Luke to make his entrance!! Kenny promises to call me as soon as he can. I'll wait a little while until Larissa is ready for visitors, but it will be hard. Having Luke be born makes it more real. I'm having a baby in four weeks!!!
Work has really kept me busy and will continue to do so for several more weeks. Larissa and I laugh when people ask us about "maternity leave." It's not really going to happen. We'll just work from home. Our Heroes for Children Golf Classic is in two weeks. With Larissa gone next week, most of the last preparations and registration falls on me. Plus, we have several other large projects. I'm not complaining though. I would rather be blessed with a busy work schedule than not. It means that Heroes for Children is thriving. The month of September was a record month of giving for us. We gave over $16,000 to families this month. Because of our two little girls, Taylor and Allie, Larissa and I have been able to provide for other families. I am extremely proud to say that no family has ever been denied assistance if they meet our guidelines. I can't say enough how proud I am to be apart of this organization.
People ask me if I miss teaching. Sure, I miss the kids and the interaction I had with them. However, I am happy with my current profession. I am happy to spend my days working in my daughter's memory. For me, it is my opportunity to continue being her mother. I need this job to keep me going for her. It fuels me. When I was pregnant with Allie, I was teaching on my feet everyday. I can certainly say that I don't miss working on my feet this pregnancy. I'm not half as swollen as I was the first time. I'm much more comfortable.
Soon, I'll be a mommy again. Oh, how happy I am going to be. Life certainly is good.
Love, Jenny Monday, Sept. 12th--
10:30pm--Bittersweet. That is the best way to describe Saturday. In the morning--a beautiful baby shower hosted by Dana for Larissa and me. In the evening--a party at our house. We celebrated the life that is coming and then celebrated the life that left us. And the day was perfect. Dana doesn't do things that are anything less than fantastic. That is the best description of the baby shower at her house. The food was delicious (I ate WAY too much of the chicken and mushroom crepes!), the company was great, and oh my goodness---the presents!! I don't know if I will ever be able to thank Dana enough for what she did for me with that shower. I can't express fully what she means to me, and how our friendship has forever changed me for the better. The shower was made even more perfect because I was lucky enough to sit beside my friend Larissa to open those gifts. There is no one else I would rather be pregnant alongside right now than Larissa.
About a week and a half ago, Dana and I were contacted by a woman named Suzanne Santry. Suzanne is a producer in LA. She followed Allie's story from the beginning and has a son Jack who was born one day after Allie. Suzanne and I had emailed several times in the last year in the hopes of helping me find a book publisher. However, when she called this time, it wasn't about a book, but a documentary. A documentary about me, Dana, Allie, Sam, Maggie, and the loved ones in our family. Her proposal was to come and film the baby shower and the party, as well as return in October for Light the Night and Maggie's birth. My first thought was--who in the world would honestly want to watch my family in a documentary? Seriously?? Dana and I have often wondered "Why us?" I don't have an answer to that question, but I do feel blessed to have the opportunity to share my story and bring awareness about childhood cancer. I knew if anyone was going to tell this story, Suzanne was the right person for it. I just knew right away. She would give this project the right amount of sensitivity and respect it deserved. The next goal is that a network decides to pick up the documentary. Keep good thoughts for us!
Suzanne arrived Friday afternoon and Dana, Dennis, Andrew and I did our best to show her a little southern hospitality. We had some help from Sam and Ethan too! At dinner, we laughed and talked. Saturday, we all knew, was going to be a big day. I arrived at Dana's an hour early for the shower to meet the crew. Suzanne's good friend, Debra from Austin came along with four other documentarians who have come on board for the filming. I was wired with a mic and ready to be interviewed. The nice thing about having someone like Suzanne interview me was that she knew the questions to ask. She is familiar with our story and with Allie's legacy. She knew how to get me talking (ok, really, that doesn't take much at all). For my morning interview, I held it together well. I didn't want to cry. I was caught off guard when the tears hit me after she asked, "What are your hopes for Maggie?" How do I answer that question without emotion? What do I NOT want for Maggie? Andrew said the best answer for that question is that we want everything for Maggie that Allie got cheated out of. As everyone arrived, a camera stayed focus on me greeting the others while another moved around the group. It was scary and a bit unnerving at first to have the cameras around, but after a little while, I almost forgot they were there! Of course, they captured some interesting conversations--my favorite being the one where Kellie and I were discussing how to use the breast pump she was loaning me!
Maggie is one lucky little girl. She and Luke (her future boyfriend--Larissa's son) got more gifts than I have ever seen. Half of Dana's living room was full of gifts. Opening all those presents took over an hour. Before we started, Dana said, "There will be no oohing and ahhing over gifts. No passing them around! You look at the gift, make sure it is written down, and move on to the next one!" And that's what we did. I tried my best to at least make eye contact with the person who gave the gift and say thank you, but I may have missed a few people. Beautiful gifts! Maggie has more blankets than I know what to do with. This will be one well dressed little girl. We were so blessed! It was obvious that the gifts were well thought out and given with nothing but love. As I was opening presents, I stopped for moment to look at the people surrounding us. I saw my best friend sitting on the floor recording every gift without a single complaint (I'm sure her hand hurt!). I saw women of strength and beauty that have blessed my life with their friendship. I'm a lucky woman.
After the shower was over, Larissa, Dana, and I had interviews, and then we were off to my house to prepare for the party. Andrew and Michael had spent the day getting all set up for the party. At 6, our friends and family started arriving. A quiet panic took over me for a minute--how in the world were all those people going to fit in my house?? What were we thinking having this party? Luckily, it all worked out without a flaw. Outside, we had a castle bounce house set up for the kids and Christmas lights strung out under our awning. The people there at the party represent to us those that supported us over the years. Some we have known our entire lives, some have been friends since high school, while others we have been fortunate to meet and become close to because Allie brought us together. We had a great time, and I hope that everyone there with us did too.
When everyone left, it was time for a more formal interview for me and Andrew. Andrew always jokes that I am "the mouth" of our marriage. I always say he is the strength. I didn't know how he would feel about an interview. I couldn't be more proud of my man. He spoke lovingly and kindly about our relationship, our marriage, and our baby girl. The interview was intense at times. Suzanne asked everything from how we met, our wedding, the day we found out I was pregnant, Allie's birth, and of course, her diagnosis. At times, I spoke more, and at others it was all Andrew. I listened with love as he described his baby girl. A few times during the interview, I glanced over at our two wonderful mothers sitting on the floor in the hallway with tears in their eyes. The interview ended with a discussion of Allie's death. Surprisingly, we made it through the interview without tears. I still don't know how we did it. I've said it before--when I feel like I have no strength left in me, I just borrow it from Allie. I know that she was with me providing me with the necessary strength. Maggie even joined in. As we were talking, Maggie made sure that we didn't leave her out--she began going crazy in my belly! There was no doubt about it--our girls were there with us.
Emotionally, I've been okay. Not always great, but okay. The last week of August, I knew I wasn't doing well. I was heading in a scary direction of emotions. Leading up to this day is almost harder than the day itself. It certainly isn't easy. We miss her so much. Today, I saw a little boy that I knew had to be Allie's age. I asked the mother when he was born--Dec. 12th, five days before Allie. I found myself staring at him for a moment and allowing the thoughts to come to me. I read on another website of another grieving mother, mom of Camryn, that the most dangerous words for a grieving parent are would, could, and should. Today, I understood that statement. Looking at that precious little boy, I thought, "Allie would be that big." Immediately, my head was screaming, "Allie should be here with me right now. Instead of speaking to this mom's group about HFC, I should be apart of this group with her." She was right--would, should, and could, are dangerous words. Dangerous to a mother's emotions.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of Allie's death. It's hard to realize that we have lived that long without her. She was such a light in our world. But I know she still is. She is our angel, watching over us. Andrew and I plan to spend the day together. We'll go to the cemetery to bring her and my dad flowers, and we have dinner plans with the grandparents. Our goal is to remember her and again rely on her strength to get us through. I know it will be hard, but I also know we will make it through it. We will remember our good times with her. Instead of focusing on her pain or her cancer, I would rather focus on her beauty and her fun loving personality. I will think about watching her watching Baby Einstein and beaming with glee when the giraffes came on the screen. I want to remember her raspberries and her the wisdom and strength in her bright shining blue eyes. When I think of our time at the hospital, I will not allow myself to focus on the chemo, but rather on the funny moments (my favorite being Code Brown!) and the joy she provided us, even in that little room.
Andrew and I appreciate each and every guestbook entry that we have read. It means so much to us to have that support. Thank you so much for your words. It brings tears to my eyes to read how Allie touched so many lives. People have asked how they can honor Allie. Truly, the greatest thing you can do is make a contribution to Heroes for Children or Light the Night. It helps us keep her memory alive. No matter the amount, it makes a difference. Today at work, I wrote out over $5,000 worth of assistance checks to families. This was only for applications that came in last week. People out there need our help, and because of Allie, I have been put in a position to help them. With each check I write out to a family, I think of my girl. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be in this profession. I would still be in a classroom teaching, a job I loved very much. But now, I am blessed to know that my daughter's legacy lives on. It is my driving force each and every day.
I want to close tonight with a few words to our family--Andrew and I love you very much. We couldn't ask for better mothers, fathers, stepparents, and siblings. Thank you for always being by our sides, no matter how far away you may be. We were blessed to have people like Andrew's aunt Peggy and cousins Susan and Cheryl join us at the party Sat. night. Having our friends there meant a lot to us. Having our family meant the world. To our beautiful, wonderful, amazing, strong mothers--we love you SO much. You have been our rocks this year. I am very thankful for you both.
And to the most important part of my family--my husband--Andrew, I love you very much. Thank you for loving me each day. Thank you for our beautiful daughters and the love you show them. Those girls have the best daddy in the world!
With love and remembrance, Jenny
A few pictures from the party Sat. night....
Thurs. Aug. 31st--
"Wake Me Up When September Ends" --Green Day
Summer has come and passed
Most days, I'm ok. Not great, but not too bad. Some days, the funk is overwhelming. I'm flat. Yesterday, I didn't move off my couch. I didn't work, simply sat and watched tv in a zone. Didn't cry either--this time (I did the same thing one day last week and cried for three hours!) I think I am heading for that meltdown that I've been running away from for a year now. I can see the brick wall in front of me. I know I am going to crash into it, and I'm trying to hit the brakes. Sooner or later though, I'm going to hit that damn wall headfirst.
The closer we get to the one year anniversary of Allie's death (Sept. 13th), the harder it is. Andrew and I talk about her more, and I tear up more. We miss her so much. Sometimes, I think it is worse than when she first passed. Funny how the grief process works--it certainly isn't always following a consistent pattern. It dips back and regresses back into the sadder moments quickly without any warning. Just because you get further out does not always mean it progressively gets better and easier. Sometimes, it gets harder. The closer we get to Maggie's birth, the more anxiety I feel. How do I properly mourn my baby girl and prepare for my other baby girl?? How do I keep from getting anxious about every little thing related to this pregnancy?
Heroes for Children recently helped a kind family whose only two children both had brain tumors. In March, the little girl passed away at the age of nine. Mid-August, the eleven year old son joined his sister after his battle with cancer ended too. My absolute worst nightmare. This wonderful mother, who I have had the opportunity to speak with several times, lost two of her children in a year. That is absolutely heartbreaking and devastating to me. I fear that. I fear the many possibilities of something happening to Maggie. I don't think I could handle losing two children within a year or so. With Allie, I remained calm about everything. I wasn't that worrisome first time mom, stressing about all the things that could go wrong. This time, I am much more so. I think about birth defects, still births, SIDS, and I'm scared out of my mind. Andrew tells me that it isn't healthy to allow those thoughts. He reminds me that we know that we have no control over things like that. For him, it is easier not to think about. For me, I just stress about it all.
Dana and I were asked to make a speech for Light the Night to the employees of CompUSA. Their team is one of the largest in the North Texas area, and they want to continue their fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society throughout the nation. Dana and I darn near have that speech memorized. We do it well. It's a lengthy speech, including details of Allie's death (Dana speaks of her final day). Under normal circumstances, this is an emotionally charged speech. On Sept 9th, the idea of doing this speech within days of Allie's anniversary, feels impossible. The thought of it brought me so much anxiety and tears. I can't do it. Luckily, Dana completely understands, as does the supportive group at LLS. They let me respectfully decline without any further questions. Dana will still make this speech, with Larissa replacing me and speaking about Taylor. This was a good step for me. I was tempted to say yes, but I think for my mental health and well being, it is better for me to decline.
With the situation so many people are in currently in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, I feel guilty for allowing my feelings of depression for my situation. So many others are struggling and hurting. My situation is most certainly not more important than anyone else's. I find myself glued to the tv for reports on the hurricane victims. I remind myself that we are blessed. Blessed to have a roof over our head, friends and family members in good health, and safe. We are blessed because we (Andrew and me) have our love for each other that will ultimately pull us through all this. That is what I wish for any person struggling--that they have love to pull them through. This certainly is what pulls me through when I allow those "funk" moments. I try to remind myself of the positive things in my life. It isn't always easy (depression seeps into your thoughts and tries to keep you from thinking otherwise), but I know that I must remember daily my blessings. My biggest blessings---Andrew, Allie, Maggie, and even my sweet Brandy!
That's it for now. I appreciate your support of Allie. Many of you have continued to return to this site because you fell in love with her. Some of you actually got to meet her, or at least, see her through a window of a hospital door--lucky ones, in my opinion. In this month, please keep my girl in your thoughts. Remember her strength, courage and beauty. With all that is going on in the world, with children suffering from cancer (some getting challenging news such as Jacob in Florida who Dana and I have been following with nothing more than hope and love for the family), let's all try to remember our blessings. That is what will get me by.
Blessed but in a funk, Jenny (still wanting to hibernate-if anyone knows how to do it, let me know!)
Thurs. Aug. 25th--
Not up for a post, but I thought I would post a few pictures.
|
W | ||||||||||||||||||
 |
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||||||
