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Heroes for Children

12 South Angels Light the Night

Sunday, Feb. 19th--Happy Birthday Frances (Nana!) We love you!

It's late, so I am not going to update. However, I am just too excited not to share that Maggie's three month portraits are in from our favorite photographer, Jennifer Weintraub at Sugar Photography. Check them out. Thank you, Jennifer, for yet another beautiful round of photography. We are truly blessed to know you. Your talent continually amazes me!

Please be thinking of us this week as we enter some unchartered territory--mixed emotions, fears, etc--about her four month check up this coming Friday. If you remember, Allie's four month was her third appointment that week, before we knew she had more than a viral infection and indeed had cancer. Though we know in our minds that Maggie is fine, our hearts could use some help.

**NEW Pictures added Fri. Feb. 3rd**

I call this one, "When bad pictures happen to cute babies!"

Monday, Feb. 6th--

7:00pm--Most of Maggie's beautiful chestnut brown hair is falling out. She has wisps of hair now, but the majority has fallen out. Our warped sense of humor--we asked her, "What are you on chemo or something?" I know, terrible. After experiencing what we have, things, including sense of humor, get out of whack. Luckily, she isn't losing due to chemo, thank God, just from being a baby. Not a strand of Allie's gorgeous red hair fell out until her chemo. When I say this, people will look at me funny and say, "but wasn't Allie a blonde?" She was only blonde AFTER her chemo treatments. No, for four months, she was a redhead and it was so pretty.

Dana called me on Sat. to tell me that Sam woke up talking about Allie. The two of them were laying in bed face to face and he says out of nowhere, "I'm real sorry Allie died. She died too young. She was really pretty. To me, she was like a princess!" What a wonderful thing to hear him say. Of course, he's absolutely right, she was a princess. What a gorgeous girl she was. And yes, she did die too young. Wasn't right, was it?

Sam is such a sweet and sensitive little man. I say little man because he is much more mature than most children his age. Most definitely NOT your typical five year old. She said that she hung up with me and said, "Mommy, was that Jenny Scott or Andrew Scott you were talking to?" Oh boy! And oh, Ethan! That kid couldn't be more fun! Dana and I lunched last week with Ethan in tow. He kept me cracking up. I love those little guys.

Weight loss is continuing to go well, though difficult at times. I am and have always been a classic overeater. Tonight, though I stuck to my Weight Watcher's points, I ate way too much. I feel gross right now! I'm waiting for Andrew to get home so I can jump onto my elliptical (my birthday present!) while he watches Marg. I'm now at 14 lbs lost since beginning the program. That puts me at 3 lbs left to love to get rid of all my preggo weight! YEAH!! All my pre-preg clothes finally fit again. I know longer have to wear maternity jeans! Debbie and I went shopping on Sat. night and I bought an adorable new outfit all one size smaller than I have been wearing. She cheered for me when the skirt I tried on in one size was way too loose and had to get a size smaller. I was so excited and started to do a little dance in the dressing room.

Support is what makes Weight Watchers possible for me. I have both my mom and my friend Angela Kenton doing the program with me. That keeps me accountable. During the day, Larissa is my support. She is the self proclaimed "workout queen," so she keeps me motivated to exercise. Exercise has not always been a word in my vocabulary. I much prefer to exercise my mouth by eating and talking (those that know me well are fast and furiously nodding their heads reading that statement). After every WW meeting, I call Dana to give her an update. She is like my own personal cheerleader. She is incredibly positive for me and always tells me how great I am doing. At home, I have Andrew. No, he is not following the Weight Watchers plan with me, but he is extremely supportive. He never minds watching the baby so that I can go to Curves, work on the elliptical, or attend a meeting. He eats healthy meals with me on the nights we decide to actually cook (maybe once a week I would say--mainly it is "fend for yourself" at dinnertime around here--a habit we want to break soon for Maggie's sake). He buys me healthy treats and sometimes even hides his treats from me so I won't be empted. At the grocery store, he will ask, "which of these things doesn't look good to you? What won't tempt you?" And that's what he gets for himself!

Our niece Isabella turned four today! Happy Birthday Bella!! What an awesome 4 yr old you are! Maggie and I went to her birthday party at her grandparents house on Sat. Andrew wasn't feeling well so he opted to stay at home. He isn't always social to begin with, and he's the first to tell you he's even less social when not feeling well. I will have pictures up soon of Maggie and Max. He is already five weeks old! And he is absolutely precious. What a sweet little man. I had a great time holding him and even changing his diaper (he didn't pee on the wall this time--I was prepared for boy parts this time!) At the party, Andrew's aunt held Maggie most of the time. I was asked more than once, "Is she always this good?" Yes, she really is. She is just a great baby. People will ask, "how's Maggie?" I can't answer other than, "She's GREAT!" No better way to put it--she is really doing great. Right now, she is rocking in her swing--her favorite place in the house.

Yes, she looks like Allie, but she is most definitely Maggie. She has her little quirks. She refuses to lay face into your chest. Flat out doesn't like it. She hates tummy time with a passion. Don't let the cute tummy time picks like the one currently on the page fool you--that was taken in the first few seconds!! She drops her face to the floor and cries after about two or three minutes. She much prefers to be facing out and on someone's hip. She is a funny eater. Messy and sporadic. For the first three to four ounces, she will eat as if her last meal were the day before. Then, the final two to three ounces (normally takes six total), she needs to get out a good burp, break for a few minutes, suck a second, break, fuss, drink again, and then burp, and then finally finish! I just try to stay patient during her little process because I know she will eventually drink the bottle. She still sleeps more than a typical baby her age. She has to have at least two big naps, often three a day. This is her third for the day. She just started holding items. Her favorite thing to hold is her blanket when sitting in her carseat. She likes to bring it up to her face as though playing Peek A Boo. It's really cute to watch her. The kid can burp like no other I have ever seen! I don't have to tap her or anything--she just belches for the whole room to hear right away. Keeps her from being fussy, so I don't complain. Makes her daddy proud!

Andrew is doing well. He is definitely the rock, glue, strength, stability of this household. When you first meet Andrew, I don't think you realize how witty and funny he is. But once you get to know him, it becomes evident very quickly. He makes me smile each and every day. I'm such a lucky woman. I make sure to tell him that I do know how good I have it. When other women complain about their husbands, I've got nothing to contribute. Andrew is so smart. Much smarter than me. Not only does he have his job at Republic Title, he also has a nonpaying job at Heroes for Children. He generously works for us as our computer guy on the weekends and sometimes in the even. He is there at the office right now working on our internet problems after a long day at work. He knows that his contribution to Heroes for Children helps us keep working and keeps the business running.

Speaking of Andrew, I just heard the garage door come up! Time to spend time with him!

Jenny

Sunday, Jan. 22nd--

11:00pm--It's nice and quiet in the house. Maggie has gone down, and it's time for my reflection. Bare with me--the minds a racin' tonight!

Maggie will be three months old on Thursday. There are times when I realize how quickly the time just flies by. Three months ago, I was worrying about her size--just a little peanut. We stepped on the scale yesterday, and she was 14 lbs! Most likely, she is more like 13 since I can't measure ounces on my home scale. I can't get enough of this little girl. Chubby cheeks, fat rolls on her thighs, big sparkling eyes, a giant smile! She wakes up with a big smile every morning after her 8-10 hours of sleep, and goes down with very little fuss at night. Her new thing she has discovered is her tongue. When I find the stinking cord to my camera and computer, I will load new pictures. There all hilarious right now. I can't capture a smile if my life depended on it! Instead, I get bugged out eyes (due to the red eye light on my camera) and a tongue sticking out. It's really pretty cute.

The closer we get to the four month mark, the more apprehensive I get. At Allie's four month check-up, we still believed our life was ok. She had been to the doctor twice already that week for a fever, which we assumed was a viral infection. Besides the fever, she looked great! She weighed in at 18 lbs 9 oz. Dr. Katz told us we had one week left of using the infant car seat before he wanted us to get her a new carseat. What a chunk! We went home that afternoon with the ok to continue giving her tylenol and motrin as needed. The floor dropped out from under us not long after that. So, you understand the apprehension? If we make it to five months, are we in the clear? What's it like to have a healthy five month old? I don't know. Crawling? Not a clue. Eating solids? Well, we tried it a few times, but never anything consistent. We just celebrated if Allie ate anything since she really couldn't swallow. Frances and I were talking the other day, and I said, "Oh, she'll (Maggie) be nine months old then. Nine months is a really fun age." I stopped immediately and said, "well, I've heard it's a fun age at least." I don't know, is it? Allie never made it to nine months, so I don't know.

I told Andrew the other day that ideally I would love to be pregnant before Maggie turns a year. We know for sure that we want to try for another (never thought I would say that since I can't stand pregnancy and always swore I would not go through it more than twice!). I thought that Andrew would be on board with this idea. Instead, he shrugged and said he would rather wait. Wait? We love having our children, why wait? Because, he says, he wants to have time to just enjoy Maggie. He is so happy to have her and be with her. We missed out on so much with Allie. We didn't experience trips to the park or the zoo. We never watched her take her first steps. So, with Maggie, we want to treasure those moments. I guess Andrew is right. Being pregnant makes me feel terrible, especially the first five months when I am miserably sick. Oh, and then there are the last four when I am so darn uncomfortable! When I'm feeling like that, I don't know if I would be able to fully enjoy Maggie. I don't want that.

I miss Allie terribly. There are times that I feel guilty when I feel an ache when I am with Maggie. Is it fair to Maggie? But, I do feel that way. The ache is most definitely there. At times, I confuse them. Is it Allie that did this little cutsie thing, or is it Maggie? I've said it before, but its as if Allie was never really real. Just some dream. Pictures are deceiving. I could convince myself that they were of Maggie, not Allie. Only video brings it back to me. I know it is true when I watch on video how she lit up a room. What would she be like as a toddler? Would she be terrorizing her sister?

The closet thing to a sister that Maggie has is her babysitter's daughter, Regan. Regan is 22 months and pure toddler. Maggie goes to Angela Kenton's three days a week--MWF. It has been such a wonderful situation. Since they live one street over, it is extremely convenient. Angela and I have become good friends too. We didn't know each other until this summer when Debbie introduced us. She watched my godchildren Hannah and Ben over the summer and watches Ben on the occassional Monday when he doesn't have preschool. Debbie told me that Angela was the best babysitter she's ever had for her kids. It's true--she is really great! She has two girls, Regan, 22 months, and Caitlin, 6 years. Caitlin is in kindergarten, so it is mainly just Regan and Maggie with her all day. Regan loves the baby. She lights up to see her and tries to give her kisses. Of course, she has no idea of how to kiss other than on the lips! She is very concerned with Maggie's "pacer." She wants to be sure that Maggie has her pacer on her at all times. When she sleeps, Regan even tries to shove the paci into her mouth. If you don't watch out, Regan will go so far as to swap pacis with the baby! Angela is very diligent and always telling her to leave the baby alone. I laugh at it. If Allie were alive, these are things she would most likely be doing. Maggie is getting to experience in a way what it would be like to have an older sister. I love it. I couldn't be happier with our situation.

My work schedule has been perfect. When I had Allie and was teaching, there was no flexibility. Andrew dropped Allie off at Angela's (different Angela) first thing in the morning, and I was straight off to work. I had to be there at 7:50, no later than 8. No time during the day, and I had to be there until at least 4. Now, there is more flexibility. I work from home TTh, or take Maggie with me up to the office. The travel swing has gotten its use between Maggie and Luke in the office! No other job would be as flexible for me. Last week, Maggie woke up in the middle of the night and wouldn't go back to sleep for a while. So, I decided we would sleep in. I called Larissa to tell her that I was running late and coming in as fast as I could. When she answered, she said, "Oh my god! He's gone through his second outfit this morning because of all the poop! I'm going to be late." We both walked in at the same time. Now, what other job would let me do that? Of course, we were both working that night because of it, but that's ok. Speaking of Heroes for Children, things are going really well. I'm so incredibly proud of this organization. Our big event is our Inaugural event called Heroes and Handbags. It s a live and silent auction of designer bags on March 30th. We've already sold out! I can't believe it! I can't wait. I am attending a luncheon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Feb. and another luncheon with Dana (who yes, I am still friends with! Someone asked since we don't write about each other as often--we see each other often and talk even more). I love these social events!

For the first time in eight months, I went to church this morning. I've been hesitant, but I decided to go ahead and go. Is it wrong that one of my reasons was because I wanted people to see Maggie? Maybe it is. I don't know. It was nice to see some of the people that supported me so much when Allie was sick. The sermon was good too(I forgot how much I like his style of preaching). However, I don't think I will return to that particular church. It's a little church, the kind where everyone knows everyone. Due to an uncomfortable situation with another family (the ended relationship I referred to in another post), I don't think I would be comfortable going. This morning, I ran into the family. It was hard. I was extremely rude, which I don't like. It's bothered me all day. I always considered myself a forgiving person, but it hasn't been too evident in this situation. Instead, I'm angry and hurt. I've dwelled on the situation. Andrew says I need to just get over it (he says he has and isn't angry at all--definitely how we are different from each other--he's a much better person than I am). I don't dislike or hate them (don't think I have ever hated anyone). I'm just angry and hurt and I don't know if I can move past it. Oh well. Things change.

Back to the topic of church--I think I will try to find another. The saddest part for me personally about leaving Prairie Creek is missing yet again Baby Dedication. Every Mother's Day, they have Baby Dedication to present all the babies born in that year. We were all read for Allie's baby dedication. The Sunday before, we went to rehearsal early before service. The next day, we went into the PICU and Baby Dedication was the last thing on my mind. On Mother's Day, they made a special mention of Allie in the service. The pastor said that when Allie was better, we would do a special ceremony just for her. that never happened. I so wanted to present Maggie in 2006. I'm not sure yet where I want to go. Jennifer and Allan invited me to join them at their church. Funny, it was the church I went to in middle/high school! I was actually considering going back there to see how I liked it as an adult. Who knows?

Weight Watchers continues for me and my mom. Both of us are doing. I've lost 9.4 lbs since starting. Only 8 more to go and I'm down to my pre-preggo weight with Maggie! Yipee! Then I get to start on the extra 17 left from Allie! I know I can do it, but it is slow go sometimes. I did WW in 2002 and the weight melted off. I get frustrated sometimes when I think it is going slower for me this time. Then I have to remind myself that it was before I had two babies! My hips are not the same anymore! I know I will lose the weight, but I want it done now!

We went out to dinner with my family to Outback for our joint birthday dinner (mine is Tuesday, Andrew's was ten days ago). I went over on my points, and now I'm really feeling it. It's now past midnight and I have to work in the morning. Even though the mind is still racing, I should try to get some sleep.

Hopefully I will have more pictures soon.

Jenny

Thursday, Jan. 12th--

10:30pm--For those that didn't know Allie when she was Maggie's age, they don't see the resemblance quite as well. But for those of us that knew her, we can't get those similarities out of our heads. Look at our girls....

At first glance, the first picture looks like it could be a close up of the second. But, I know better. The one on the left is sweet Allie and our precious Maggie is on the right. What beautiful girls I have.

Today is Andrew's 28th birthday! Happy Birthday, Andrew!! This is the tenth birthday I have celebrated with him. We are twelve days apart in age. For our 18th birthday, Andrew took me to the Mansion on Turtle Creek. Being a girl who usually eats at chain restaurants like Chili's, I was overwhelmed to go to a fancy restaurant with my new (at that time, we had been dating maybe four or five months). We dressed up and had a wonderful romantic evening. I remember looking at him that night and feeling so loved. Tonight, we have no big plans--just a quiet dinner for the three of us at Outback. We are going out with some friends for Andrew's birthday on Sat. night, but nothing more. In between the two birthdays, we usually get together for birthday dinners with our families. So, nothing fancy. But, I still look at him and feel loved. Even more than I felt ten years ago.

Several people have asked us about the documentary that was filmed in the fall. Suzanne came with a film crew in September to film the joint baby shower for me and Larissa at Dana's and the party for Allie at our house. One camera followed us around and filmed general stuff going on while another focused on interviews. John, Suzanne's husband, came in October the night before Light the Night. John joined us for the walk and filmed that night. He then came with me to my doctor's appointment with Dennis the day before Maggie was born. Suzanne joined us (they live in CA) that night and we all went together to the hospital to check in. Maggie's birth was filmed as well as the day we returned home. All in all, over 30 some odd hours of footage were collected. No, it really wasn't bad having a video camera in the delivery room. In truth, I forgot they were filming. I am looking forward to watching that part. I know how I felt at that moment of Maggie's birth, but it will be so special to watch it again. One day, I hope to watch it with Maggie when she is old enough to understand.

Now, the documentary takes time. Basically, John and Suzanne have been financing it on their own right now. They found an editor willing to donate his time to help out. The first step in this process is to develop a six minute clip for a pitch. This is a huge undertaking since they have over 30 hours to sort through. Then, they condense it into six minutes that still tells the story enough for it to be compelling. Next comes the pitch to networks. Currently, we don't know who if anyone will pick up this story. John and Suzanne will line up meetings with various networks to pitch it with the six minute edited film. Suzanne says she feels very positive that there will be interest in the story. Once it is purchased, then the decision will be made as to whether it will be a one hour or two hour show. Ideally, it will be two hours since there is so much to this story. Most likely, cameras will return one more time to film and continue with interviews. So, when will this air? At this time, there is no answer for this. But, yes, it was filmed, and yes, they are working hard with it.

It's bathtime now, so I am headed to join my sweet family for our nightly routine. Happy Birthday Andrew! I love you with all my heart.

Jenny

Sunday, Jan. 2nd--Happy New Year!!

12:45am--Our best moment of 2005? Hands down, it has to be.....

Hearing that cry (well, it was more a scream that lasted for the next five solid hours!) was the greatest moment of the year! Little miss Margaret Elizabeth came into our life at 1:01pm on Wed. Oct. 26th, 2005. Nothing in 2005 compares to that moment. The year was good, all in all. Most definitely better than our 2004, that's for sure! What is it about New Year's that brings such reflection? This year, we saw the beginning of a new career for me, a new pregnancy, start of several new friendships, the strenthening of bonds on others, and even an end to another longtime friendship (won't go into details on that one, but let's just say there is not a chance for any type of reconciliation any time soon). We cried a lot, laughed a lot, and loved a lot. In the end, isn't that what is most important?

New Year's Eve was a fun night at our friends, Jennifer and Allan Rayson. Jennifer and Allan are both heavily involved with Heroes for Children (Allan being our treasurer on the Board of Directors) and have become our great friends over the last two years. We had six couples, all from our neighborhood, all hanging out together. Unfortunately, Maggie didn't think a night drinking and having fun with the neighbors was quite as exciting. She chose to cry the majority of the time if she wasn't being held and walked. We finally called it a night at 1:15am when she still had not been to sleep and looked like she was going to fall over! Today, she has barely been awake. Maybe a total of four or four and a half hours for the entire duration of the day. She's wiped out! Being that it was my first time to have any alcohol since last New Year's, the wine had a quick effect on me! Andrew got up with the baby first thing at 7:30, and she came back to bed with me at 8:30 for another two hours! Needless to say, I was fairly worthless this morning (not hungover, just really stinkin' exhausted!). Tonight, we went back to the Raysons to continue poker playing with the group in their garage. Andrew almost won the whole thing before he went all in so we could come home and put Munchie to bed.

Maggie's 2 month appointment went very well. She has a mild case of ezcema that Dr. Katz wants to keep lathered in Aquaphor. Her weight is now up to 11 lbs 10.5 oz, putting her in the 75th percentile! Much better than the 15th she was in at her 2 week! Dr. Katz was extremely pleased with her weight. Shot time was harder on me than it was on her, as I think is the case for all mothers. We both cried. Seeing our babies hurt is the hardest thing mothers experience. I realized in that office though that seeing her hurt for a vaccination isn't so bad. I can soothe it and make it better. I watched Allie hurt a lot and couldn't do a damn thing about it. At least with vaccination shots I know the hurt is very temporary. She was fine within minutes--just needed her paci and her mama!

That's it for now. I look forward to filling 2006 with many wonderful, fun, exciting, loving memories with our friends and family. May we all find health and happiness this new year (and I wouldn't mind some advances in cancer research while we're at it!). No resolutions for me--just the motivation and desire to live my life as full as possible.

Happy New Year from all the Scotts!

--Jenny, Andrew, Maggie, Brandy and never forgetting our angel Allie

Happy Holidays!! --Love the Scott Family

Thursday, Dec. 29th--

11:45pm--This morning, we didn't awake to the normal sounds of a gurgling baby. Nor did we wake to the alarm. Instead, the phone rang at 6:45am to announce the arrival of Max Mabry Searcy!! Our new nephew (Andrew's sister Amie's son--the first grandson in the family) entered our world early this morning, weighing in at 7 lbs even and 19 1/2 in. long. Andrew and I can't wait to drive up to Norman to introduce Maggie to her brand new cousin. We would certainly appreciate prayers for the entire Searcy family--Amie, Michael, Isabella (who has a transition to get used to with sharing her Mommy) and baby Max. Congratulations Amie and Michael!! We love you very much and can't wait to get that baby in our arms!

What is it about new life that gives such hope, joy and excitement to people? Many times since Allie's death, people have commented to me, "I don't know if I would be able to have another child after you went through." Truth be told, our situation isn't unique. Many moms, such as Cole's mom, Ben's mom, and Hayley's mom, have embraced life after death. Even the mother Heroes for Children helped that lost her only two children to brain tumors within six months apart from each other reported to me a few weeks ago that she and her husband are trying to conceive again. But why? Why would we put ourselves out there again and risk it all? Because of that hope, joy and excitement we felt with the other children. Because those children taught us the power of love and parenting. And because of that old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to love at all." And yes, that is a true statement.

On Christmas Day, the Dallas Morning News columnist Jacquielynn Floyd covered this very topic with an article about Maggie, Luke and Heroes for Children. Unfortunately, Luke and Larissa couldn't make the interview because he was sick with what turned out to be a form of RSV. I wish he could have been there for the interview and photo session. I love to see him towering next to his girlfriend! I don't know how Jack Floyd does it, but she truly captured what I am writing about with the experience of having another child. It's as though she understands my thoughts and feelings. Incredible article.

My favorite line of the entire piece was about Maggie. She writes, "she's a happy child with an easy disposition, the kind that fools people into thinking that this baby business must be a snap for everybody." That's my Maggie. Andrew and I still marvel at how we've ended up with two easy going babies. Debbie calls them the "anti-birth control babies." At our neighborhood "Holiday House Hop" last night (six couples all around the same age with kids, five house on our street and the one behind us and lots of fun!), the women asked me, "What's it like? I don't know what its like to have this easy going of a baby!" Boy, are we ever blessed.

Maggie's two month check up is at 2:45 tomorrow afternoon. I'm anxious to see how much our peanut has grown. No question that she is much bigger now than she was. Yesterday, I dressed her in her take home outfit. She is getting so long that it almost is too short. She now wears 3-6 months for some outfits, while 0-3 can still fit her in others. I wake up every morning ready to rush to her room to be greeted with her giant smiles. How can a mother not get excited to see this face?

God, she's beautiful. And I can say that because I'm the Mama! I'm just slightly biased you know. Yesterday, I introduced her to "Sophie la Girafe." Sophie, sold at www.elegantchild.com, is the greatest baby toy I have ever seen. Frances now keeps them in stock at her house, giving one to every new mom to be. She's just the perfect size for the baby, is soft, and perfect for gumming during teething. No, we didn't give Maggie Allie's Sophie. She got her own. Allie had two Sophies, given to me by two of my French teacher friends. She liked to hold one in each hand and darn near beat us with them! When she passed, we placed one of her favorite toys in with her to permanently play with her, and we placed the other in her memory box. That one is Allie's--it will always be Allie's. Maggie got a brand new one, thanks to her Nana. The funny thing is that Sophie got a small face lift since Allie's Sophie. She is now a trimmer, sleeker version. We thought this only fitting since Maggie is a trimmer baby! Here she is with her new favorite toy (what you can't see is Brandy standing about a foot away dying to eat Sophie!!)

It's now past midnight, so I will head to bed. Miss Margaret sleeps between 6-8 hours a night, which is great for me! I'm a woman who needs sleep to function well, so thankfully, my girls have been good sleepers. We moved Maggie into her crib in her nursery about three weeks ago, and that is when the sleeping lengthened. People are surprised when I say that she was out of my room by six weeks. They expect after Allie that Andrew and I hover over her at all times. Now, how fair would that be to her? Sure, I want to hover and of course I am always worried and concerned, but that isn't a way to raise my child. Just because her sister was sick doesn't mean I have to change my parenting style so completely. I make the effort and to me, it pays off.

Maggie's photo album page has tons of new pictures from the past two weeks, including more Christmas pictures and fun with Sophie. I'm very camera happy. No sense in putting the camera away at my house because I will only bust it right back out!

Happy New Year everyone. May 2006 bring your families health, happiness, and most importantly love. Ours is looking quite promising so far.

To my girls, thank you for making the last two years of my life wonderful. I'm blessed to be your mother.

---Jenny

Saturday, Dec. 17th--

11:00pm--At my Weight Watchers meeting last week, Maggie sat in her carseat sleeping and smiling. The woman next to me leaned over and said, "You know what babies are doing when they smile in their sleep, don't you? They're talking to their angels." I just smiled and looked at the woman and said, "Well, that sounds about right." At home, Maggie will get a different look in her eye, look over our left shoulders (always our left) and break into a huge smile. I don't know what she sees, but I like to believe it might be Allie. I want to believe her presence is here with us.

Today, my angel would be two. I would be lying if I told you I'm ok. I'm heartbroken. I was prepared for the one year anniversary, thinking that would be much harder. In fact, I was wrong. Today was worse. Today is a reminder of possibilities gone. I think about where she would be developmentally at this age and what she would be like. I miss her so much my whole body aches. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, wanting to shut out the day and skip it entirely. Emotionally, I was wobbly. Sad at times and ok at others. I went to Weight Watchers at 11:30 feeling very unstable. The employee taking my weight asked me how I was doing and I promptly broke out into tears.

Debbie and I had planned to start painting our new playroom this afternoon. Feeling so flat and tired, I didn't think I was up for it. Luckily, she didn't feel up for it either. Mom was set to babysit, so she took Maggie home from the WW meeting. It took everything I had to not drive straight to her house, grab the baby back and run! But, I knew that babysitting for my mom is her special time with the baby. They need their time together. Deb and I saw The Family Stone instead at the movie theater and then headed immediately to get the girl.

I can't get enough of that baby. We woke up at 4 this morning for her middle of the night bottle. Even though I was tired, I didn't care. I spent the hour that she was awake and eating rubbing her face, kissing her, and simply staring at her. I have so much love for this girl. It breaks my heart that she will never know her sister. I wish I was worrying about her crying waking up the sleeping toddler, or having to remind the toddler to be gentle with her sister.

Last year, I think I was still too shell shocked to be as affected by the birthday. Don't get me wrong--it was hard. But her death was still so fresh that I was still reeling from that. We had the big birthday party which also helped. We have no birthday plans today. I think we might try to have dinner or something. Andrew's mom is in Louisiana visiting her parents, and his dad and stepmom are coming for a visit tomorrow afternoon. Andrew had to work until midnight last night, and then had to work again this morning. He's home now though. Being home alone with my thoughts last night wasn't fun. Around 10pm, I stood in the kitchen peeling a tangerine. Out of nowhere, I burst into tears. I couldn't stop. I just stood in my kitchen and sobbed for my girls. I cry for both of them. I cry for the loss of Allie and the fear of losing Maggie. I'm scared all the time that something, anything, will happen to her. I know that there is no way I can survive it.

Yesterday afternoon, Maggie and I drove to Medical City of Dallas to take Dr. Goldman a big chocolate cake for his birthday today. He knew we were coming and was excited to see the baby. He rushed into the waiting room exclaiming, "Give me my baby! I don't care about the care, just give me my baby!" Maggie went immediately into his arms and stayed there for about thirty minutes. Some patients in for a checkup joined us in their breakroom along with a few nurses to all have cake (which I was good and didn't have any--lost 1.6 lbs this week!). The patients were two boys, ages 21 and 23. Both were born with SCIDS, "bubble boy" without an immune system (what Fieldon had), had transplants when they were babies, and now one is even engaged to be married! They were there for a checkup with their girlfriends and came and enjoyed cake with us. Everyone sat and oohed and aahed over Maggie. Happy Birthday, Dr. Goldman! I hope you know how special you are to us and the many children you help each and every day.

After visiting with Dr. Goldman, we headed up to 12 South, our home for the duration of Allie's treatment. Several of our favorite day nurses were working. All of them took turns holding Maggie. She was so good the entire time. She was awake and alert and smiling. Smiling just starting within the last week and a half. I live for those smiles!

Here's one from this morning.....

71/2 weeks old now!

When I look back on the last two years, I am in awe of all that has happened. Sometimes, it feels like just yesterday that I was holding my newborn Allison in my arms. I remember everything about those first few months. Sometimes, it feels like it has been a lifetime since she passed since so much has happened. With my work with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and of course, Heroes for Children, we've stayed busy. The hardest is the times when it feels like it never really happened at all. It feels like a dream, something so surreal that it couldn't really be real. I have pictures to tell me it happened and she really was apart of my life. I have memories, or are they dreams? Did I dream of her? Surely not.

So much good has happened because of Allie's life. So many lives were affected. My little girl inspired many--inspired them to get involved, to find a passion, to help others, and to love each other. Most importantly, I have been told so many times that she inspired them to love their children more. She certainly did that for me. She is making me a better mother each and every day. What a blessing she was in my life.

Switching gears, an important request....

In the spirit of the holidays and giving, I have an important request. No, I am not asking for money. As a professional fundraiser, I do enough of that for a living. For those people that feel compelled to give to various charities related to cancer-whether it be finding a cure or helping families--please know you make a difference. however, there is another way you can help without spending any money.

During the holidays, blood banks hit a shortage. Please, I urge you to consider donating. In the four and a half months that Allie battled leukemia, she had over 70 blood transfusions. Let that sink in. Over 70 times, someone saved my baby's life. And yes, that blood saved her, at least for the day. It helped her get strong enough to fight another day. It kept her body from bleeding out from lack of platelets or suffering from a lack of oxygen. Blood transfusions became a part of our routine. I would watch her wake up pale and lethargic from lack of red cells to perky and pink after the blood entered her body. Each time this happened, I felt thankful to the nameless stranger that gave to us. Whether you give platelets ( a longer process but one that can be done as often as every two weeks) or red cells, it is important to give if you can. Unfortunately, my veins are so weak that I blow them within seconds of attempting donation. On her first birthday, I tried desperately to give with no avail. All that I ended up with was a giant bruise covering half my arm! If you are afraid of needles and that is your only excuse, let me tell you that it's a bad one. Think of kids like Sam who has to be stuck with a needle every time he has a clinic appointment for blood checks. Think of the kids that have gone through numerous surgeries, shots, blood transfusions, and bone marrow biopsies. A little needle prick is worth it (and trust me, I would do it in a heartbeat if I could) when you know what it can do for a family. It can give them another day to fight. Every day we had with Allie was precious. Every moment spent with her was worth it to me. And had it not been for the first transfusion at 8:30am Tues. May 4th, I would have lost her then. Her body was already shutting down, and the nurses confided in me afterwards that time had been working against us. If she hadn't had that blood, she felt certain she wouldn't have even been alive to be diagnosed with leukemia (the diagnosis came at 4:30 that afternoon). I urge you to consider my plea and decide if donating is right for you.

I have so much more on my mind tonight, but I have to get the baby in bed. I hope I will have a chance to post again in a few days. The photo album on Maggie's page is giving me some problems, so I thought I would close with a few pictures of my baby.

With lots of love to all and most especially to the two best babies that have ever blessed my life,

Jenny

Thursday, Dec. 8th--

6:45pm--December is a time for family and friends. For me, it is also a reminder of the two loved ones I lost. Tomorrow is my father's 57th birthday. Dad passed five year and a half years ago from tongue, neck, and lung cancer when he was 52 years old. Way too young. Andrew and I had been married ten months and I had just gotten my first job teaching at Rice. I miss him. I wish he had met Allie. Then again, I think he has met her! He's probably getting ready to share some cake with her right now (and trust me, the man liked his cake!). Tomorrow night, my family will get together for dinner and share our funny dad stories. I have a lot. We tell the same stories every year, but every year, they make us laugh. He was such a character. Everyone liked Jerry Lawson! What a privilege it was to be his daughter.

Next Sat, the 17th, marks Allie's 2nd birthday. It's hard for me not to have her here with her sister. I should have a wild 2 year running around the house, screaming on Santa's lap, and helping me decorate the Christmas tree. I should be finalizing details for her birthday party. Instead, I am preparing to bake two cakes--one for her doctor's (she and Dr. Goldman share the same birthday) and one for 12 South. But see, that's the problem with "should." Its a dangerous word.

I've spent the entire day snuggling my beautiful baby girl. She is such a snuggle bug! I don't think I did much besides give her bottles, change her diaper, and snuggle all day long. Who cares about the laundry and dishes when there is a six week old wanting to lay with her mama and nap. I just turned on the tv, watched cheesy movies, and snuggled up as close as I could. Andrew said he was jealous since he had to go to work. When he got home this afternoon, he said, "isn't that the way I left you this morning?" Sure was! She's now asleep in her swing, but I can't stop myself--I just keep staring at her. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself that she really is here. How did I get to be so lucky as to have two such wonderful daughters? I never thought I could love another baby as much as I did Allie, but now I know I can. I love this little girl with all my heart. Today, I broke into tears just staring at her face. Not sad tears, but tears of love and joy. Every mother should feel that way about every one of their children.

I can't believe it has already been six weeks since Maggie May was born! She is really getting big--I swear she has got to be close to ten pounds now. she is becoming an eating machine! I think she is definitely going through a growth spurt because all she wants to do is eat and sleep! Bedtime is getting better and better. She averages 4 1/2 to 6 1/2 hours a night of sleep. We give her a bath each night to calm her down. I've never met a little one that diaper changes and baths actually calm her down. If she is fussing, she calms quickly from getting on the changing table for a quick diaper change. Sweet baby.

On the feeding front--we stopped nursing, but I am continuing to pump. She gets about half and half--breastmilk and formula. I don't make enough, but at least she is still getting some. I think I will begin cutting down on the amount of pumping I do (currently five times a day, and no I don't get up at night if she is sleeping--I refuse!). We will eventually be formula only. For now, this is working alright. I don't feel half as stressed as I did when we were nursing (and what a battle that was for us!), pumping, and still needing formula. It was taking almost an hour and half or two hours only to turn around and do it all over again. It was miserable.

As for Weight Watchers, I am now on my second week. I weigh in on Sat. My first weigh in was a success--I lost 2.6 pounds!!! I was so excited. It helped motivate me to keep going. This week, I've only worked out once on Monday since we had such nasty weather last night and today. Texas is funny when we have icey conditions. The news is nothing but coverage about the "Artic Blast 2005." I plan to work out again tomorrow before we go out for Dad's birthday dinner. That way, I will at least get in two exercise periods this week. Hopefully, it will make a difference and I will see another week of loss!

Andrew is just finishing putting up our tree and I'm off to decorate. I will add a few more pictures of the baby tonight when I get a chance.

Thanks for checking on us,

Jenny

Wed. Nov. 30th--

9:30pm--Our baby girl is five weeks old today! She is growing like crazy and bringing us more joy than we ever imagined. Every time I look at her, I smile.

For the first time last night, Maggie slept for five full hours!! I couldn't have been happier!! Now, I don't know if it was simply a fluke or if it will continue, but I am happy for the hours I got last night. I needed the sleep too. She hasn't been napping much during the day, and we've been feeding, pumping, etc like crazy. I give us another week of breastfeeding, if that. I'm not making enough, she's frustrated at times, and the medication isn't working. Please don't criticize me or tell me not to give up. This has to be my decision for what is best for me and Maggie. I am proud of how much I have been able to do at all. We didn't think I would ever be able to breastfeed, so to make it five full weeks is quite an accomplishment for us.

Speaking of being proud of myself, I am excited to report that I have been on Weight Watchers now for five days. I eat more points due to the breastfeeding to maintain my supply (I know, funny joke!). Three years ago, I found success with this program and lost over 30 lbs. Then, I got pregnant with Allie. Then, she got sick and passed. Then I got pregnant with Maggie. It's time to focus a little on myself, get motivated, and get back into regular clothes. I joined Curves and have worked out twice so far while Andrew stays home with the baby. It gives me energy to keep going with my every day routine. I feel so good about how well I've done so far. Hopefully it will continue. I've lost twenty pounds since giving birth, but I still have another thirty or so to go.

Maggie just woke up, so I need to go and attend to her.

Lots of love,

Jenny

Oh--don't forget that I update the photo album every few days. Even if there isn't a new post, there may be new pictures so check them out. There are some new ones from today that I couldn't resist posting! My girl is gorgeous!

Wed., Nov. 23rd--

8:45pm--Happy Thanksgiving! Andrew and I have so much to be thankful for this year. We have two beautiful daughters and a love that is stronger than ever. Tomorrow we will be very thankful for the many blessings in our life.

You know the expression "If it's not one thing, it's another?" That's my life! The past three days have not been the most fun. I have mastitis! And let me tell you--it hurts like hell! Intense pain, flu-like symptoms, aching body. Miserable. Monday, my fever spiked up to 102 and the pain was very intense. Feeding Maggie had me in tears. I started on antibiotics Monday afternoon and I now feel so much better. The biggest problem is that my supply is really low. Normally, I can feed her and then feed her pumped breast milk. That is usually enough to sustain her, though I sometimes have to give her a bottle of formula----maybe 3-4 oz in an entire day. Now, I am barely getting anything when I pump, she is frustrated and crying when she nurses, and she needs at least 3 oz of formula every feeding. I'm so frustrated! Dennis gave me a prescription for a medication to increase supply (I also take an herbal supplement three times a day), but he doesn't want me to take it until after the mastitis goes away. I am wondering if I will be able to continue feeding her this way or if we will have to switch to formula? If so, I promised myself that I wouldn't beat myself up over it. I know that I have given her a solid foundation and that she has receive many of the important immunities she needs. Hopefully, once the mastitis goes away, we will see a difference. In the interim, I am continuing to attempt nursing and pumping in the hopes that it will help out. Luckily, I am feeling human again today. I'm still in pain and the mastitis is definitely still here, but my fever finally broke, making all the difference in the world. I just keep reminding myself how worth it she is.

Maggie's newborn pictures completely took my breath away. Jennifer captured our family perfectly. She provided us with a slideshow of all of Maggie's pictures. Yesterday, Andrew posted the slideshow to be downloaded on the website. Unfortunately, by this morning, it had caused so many problems crashing the site that he had to remove it. She did provide us with pictures that we can load on the site. Andrew promises to create a new page and post all the new pictures. Be on the lookout! They're gorgeous--how can they not be given that our daughter is SO gorgeous!!

That's it for tonight. Enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families. Count your blessings, as I know you will.

Jenny

Wed., Nov. 16th--This is going to be a long one.....

10:00pm--There are times when I look at my daughter that I have to remind myself which daughter I am looking at. Memories of Allie flood me when I look at Maggie. She has her nose, her eyes (and they are turning blue--yeah!!), her easy disposition, and many of her mannerisms. Of course, she is about three or so pounds less than what Allie weighed at this point! Yesterday, I took a picture of Maggie during "tummy time." Afterwards, I stared at the picture on the camera. I could have sworn I had seen the picture before. Sure enough, I went and found a similar picture in Allie's photo album. They were even on the same blanket. Of course, I can tell the difference between the two. I know which girl is which--Maggie has a darker complexion, more hair, and a thinner face. Allie was four weeks old, and Maggie is three. Here they are

See what I mean?? Maggie is on the left and Allie is the one on the right.

There are times when I have to remember hard that Allie really was with us. She really did live and wasn't just some beautiful dream. At times, I forget what it was like to be with her. It scares the shit out of me because I don't want to forget. I know I never will forget her, but I don't want to forget the little things that made her great. I don't want to forget her skin, her smell, her eyes or her smile. I like that I remember little insignificant details such as what cute outfit she was wearing the day I returned to working and she went to babysitting (a dark pink velour jumpsuit with a white onsie that had the same color pink hearts all over it). Sometimes, I pull up her pictures on the computer and tell Maggie all about them. I tell her about how good she was and how she is now protecting Maggie from Heaven. I miss her. I miss her so badly. I hate that my girls don't know each other. That they won't grow up and fight over Barbies, clothes, and boys. I hate that they won't go to ballet together or braid each other's hair. It's not fair for either of them.

I'm a little sad tonight. Andrew has the baby in the living room so that I could have some quiet time. I'm alone in my bed, well, with the dog that is. Alone with my thoughts, so I had to grab the computer to type. I haven't been sad until about fifteen minutes ago--I think quiet time isn't always the best idea for me these days! Most of my days, I spend marveling in the love of my family and soaking in the joy of motherhood. It is only a few minutes in a day that I allow myself to feel any other emotion besides pure joy and happiness. It just so happens that the moment I felt it tonight, I decided to write.

Yesterday, Andrew answered the phone to some news we didn't want to hear. During Allie's treatment, we met Jordan Morgan, an eleven year old with AML, living on 12 South with us. I wrote many times about Jordan and his family. Well, Matt, Jordan's stepdad, called. His cancer has returned. They found a spinal cord tumor--very large and wrapped around the nerve. Monday, he went into surgery to have it removed. Unfortunately, the tumor was too large to be completely removed. A biopsy showed that it is malignant and it is AML. This baffles me--how can it be a solid mass tumor and be AML? Apparently, a few cells got trapped in there, resistant to the chemotherapy. After a while, they began mutating again and formed into a tumor. Jordan's prognosis is bad. The doctor's say he does not have good chances. They are still willing to try and fight. He begins radiation this week, and chemo will begin shortly as well. The problem with radiation is how much they can give him since he underwent total body irradiation just before transplant. you can only radiate a specific area so many times before it is too dangerous to continue.

My heart sank when I heard the news. Andrew and I sat in the living room staring at each other after we heard the news. It brought it all back. We remember hearing the news that Allie most likely wasn't going to survive. I hate that Amy is now hearing that with Jordan. What scares me about this disease is the way it attacks. It is relentless and quick. It is very sneaky. I just saw Jordan this summer at camp. He looked awesome! We laughed and cried together during that week. I watched him get up on stage, shy as he is, with a friend to sing kaoroake (how the heck do you spell that word??) during the camp carnival. He looked so good just four months ago. How did this happen?

We debated for a few minutes as to whether or not we should call and tell Dana. I knew she would want to know and want all the details, but I didn't want to upset her either. In the end, we decided it was better for her to hear it from me than any other way. You see, her fear is there. Jordan had his transplant, from his younger brother, two months before Allie and Sam. The reality of AML is that the chances of relapse are high. Our minds jump to Sam and his health immediately. I try to assure myself that nothing will happen to Sam. I want nothing more for that to be true. However, I know how unpredictable life is, and it scares the crud out of me. I hurt for my friend that her heart will keep several beats every time she hears news like this. It upsets me to know that it will always affect her in this way.

Please keep Jordan, Matt, Amy, and Justin (Jordan's brother who thinks it was his failure from the donor cells that has caused this relapse--a common feeling for the donors) in your thoughts and prayers. They are struggling right now emotionally and financially. I am going to try to go up to 12 South tomorrow during the day to visit with them. I have wanted to bring up the baby, so I will just make a trip of it.

People often ask me if Maggie is at risk for AML. Not any more than Allie was, no. It isn't a hereditary disease. It isn't something where a parent is a carrier, as is the case in some other diseases. It's rare. It would be even more rare for Maggie to get it. Does that mean I won't worry that one day AML won't sneak into our lives again and take away our happiness for the second time? No, I will always have that fear.

There are so many things I want to write about tonight. Let me move away from the sad and go into the uplifting.

Maggie continues to progress really well. She is just a joy to be around. Her fussing is minimal these days as she is increasingly becoming more of a content baby. We had her weight check appointment yesterday to check her progress. Seven days before, she weighed 7lbs 2 1/2 oz. She now weighs in at 7 lbs 13 oz!! Four oz over birth weight--yeah!! I couldn't be more pleased with the progress. It is completely worth the effort of feeding and continuous pumping (have I mentioned how much I dislike, no loath, pumping? Thank goodness for the hospital grade pump--thank you Kellie!). The funny thing to me is that as much as Maggie has grown, she still isn't as big as Allison was at birth!! What a porker that baby was!

We get to view the proofs to Maggie's newborn photos tomorrow night. I can't wait! I just know that it will be hard to choose. The child is very photogenic already (and I think she is getting sick of having the camera in her face all the time--what can I say, I'm a proud mama!). We are designing birth announcements with her tomorrow night too, so I am even more excited. Jennifer has been so kind to us. I am continuously amazed at people like her that open up their hearts to our family to do something for us. We have never asked for these types of things but we have been fortunate to receive them out of the complete generosity of others. I just hope I am able to express my gratitude properly.

Speaking of expressing gratitude...

Let me tell you about a company called Posh Tots. When Allie was sick, giraffe mania began. Her obsession with giraffes became an obsession for all her supporters as well. Package after giraffe filled package arrived at the hospital for her. And let me tell you--she loved every one, of course, not as much as her beloved Sophie the Giraffe. Well, some of the employees learned of Allie's story and wanted to do something special. One of the items they carry is a five foot tall giraffe. In August, much to our surprise, a tall box arrived in front of Allie's room. "Big Sophie" made her appearance into our lives. Posh Tots sent it as a gift of love for our baby girl. Andrew and I made the decision to donate Big Sophie to the clinic, to take a spot in the playroom next to the jumbo couch. When I go to the clinic to visit, I always make sure to stop in and pay Big Sophie a visit as well. It makes me smile each time. Well, on Thursday night, Posh Tots entered our lives again. This time, they sent us something for our peanut. Having seen Maggie's room online, they commissioned one of their artist to create a one of a kind wall hanging for her room. We unrolled it and it took my breath away. How can total strangers open their hearts so wide to do something like this? Below are a few pictures of Maggie's wall hanging:

Posh Tots isn't the only company I need to recognize with gratitude. There are companies like Dimples and Dandelions--an online children's boutique. The owners Wendy and Mike Stroud participated as well as contributed sponsorship to the 12 South Angel team for Light the Night. After Maggie's birth, Wendy contacted me for our home address--she wanted to send a gift. I was overwhelmed to find a gorgeous outfit as well as a gift certificate to purchase more items from their online store. How generous is that? Thank you so much!

Who else? Ah, yes, I can't forget Kathleen Brown of Hannah E. Designs! Early in Allie's treatment, Kathleen made me a one of a kind photo purse with Allie's big eyes staring out at the world. I have carried that purse every single day since, and it is beginning to show it too! The other day, Kathleen emailed me to say that she is ready to design a custom bag again with Miss Maggie May's pictures.

What generosity and goodness there is in people! Just writing all this has put me in a better mood already. I knew coming to this journal tonight would be a good idea, even if it meant missing out on some sleep.

Let me finish with something to make me smile and then go off to help put Maggie to bed. Why is it that we spend so much time during pregnancy deliberating over a name? It's not as if we will actually call the child that! Maggie is very rarely called that in this house. So, I give you the list of the many names of Margaret Elizabeth Scott

Maggie

Maggie May

May

Peanut

Pumpkin

Munchkin

Munchie--the shorter version of munchkin

Munchie Moo--our most popular and most commonly used

Moo

Munch

Poopy girl!

Munchie Moo is by far the most popular. She has her father to blame for that one later in life. Andrew and I are the only two who call her that, but it seems to fit her.

Brandy has earned the name Sister now. I call her that a lot. Sweet Sister is doing great. She is craving extra Mama love, so I make sure to give it to her every day.

That's it for the night. There are new pics in her photo album. Thanks for making it through this long post.

Jenny