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Copyright 2004 All Rights Reserved Jenny and Andrew Scott (c)
Other Jenny Posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Don't forget to check out the new HFC Blog http://heroesforchildren.blogspot.com Subscribe to the blog so you don't miss any updates!
Tuesday, June 26th--
10:30pm--This is my last entry on Scotthousehold. No, the site is not closing, and I do plan to continue writing. However, this site is no longer going to be used as a journal. The old journal entries here will continue, and this will remain our family's website and Allie's beautiful legacy. I'm moving my blog to a new site for me!
I've been thinking about this transition for a while. Part of my hesitation to write on this site as been due to the nature in which this journal started. Though the website was created to show off baby pictures, the journal portion was created solely for Allie and her health updates. I continued this site now for two and a half years, but it hasn't felt right. I want, need, a place for me. A site where I won't feel guilty for not addressing cancer, my grief, or Heroes for Children (not that those topics will not arise because I know they will). I want to be able to write about other things and not feel squirmish about it. And, I want the convenience and easy features of BlogSpot. Much more user friendly.
So, Jenny's Blog--"Mama's on a Playdate" is http://mamaonaplaydate.blogspot.com.
Thursday, June 21st-- 10:00pm--I'm dieting (Weight Watchers). Again. For the fifth time in the past three years. What am I trying to lose? The same 25 lbs I have gained and lost over the last THREE YEARS!!! I was doing really well in the fall on the South Beach diet. I looked better than usual. I felt confident in my loose size 12 jeans for my photo shoot with Sugar Photography that I could look like this (and yes, I LOVE this picture--Maggie cracks me up!):
I still had more to go (really wanted to be a comfortable loose 10--that's not asking so much, is it?), but I fell off the bandwagon. Not just fell--plummeted. Fell and then rolled so far away I couldn't find it.
So, in the past seven months, I've packed back on the weight--AGAIN--gaining close to 16 lbs in 7 months!! I saw a recent picture of me standing next to Maggie at a slide. I was in a cotton summer dress. I didn't think it looked as bad as it did, but boy was I ever wrong. It looked bad. Yikes. 16 lbs sure makes a big difference (and a big rear end too!)
I've thought a lot about it--why has this been so difficult for me? Why have I not been able to rid myself of this weight? Well, I think I've finally figured it out. I don't know if this is totally true or just somewhat a cop-out for my bad eating habits, but here goes: it has been how I handle my grief. As I said, I've been on five diets in 3 years. Think of where I was three years ago--in a hospital with my daughter. I had just about lost my pregnancy weight with her when she became ill. Then, I comfort ate. and ate. and ate! People brought cookies, brownies, casseroles, and breads. I ate it all. I gained close to 20 lbs by the time she died. Then, I tried dieting after her death. That lasted a few months (who am I kidding, maybe a few weeks). Then, I got pregnant with Munchie. I was dieting as soon as Dennis told me I could after Maggie's delivery. Then I failed at that too. I've tried multiple times since she was born.
When I am stressed---I eat. When I am sad--I eat. When I am happy--I eat.
Noticing a pattern here?
I believe I have done well in my grief given my circumstances. I have been able to talk about Allie with an ease that sometimes surprises people (those people don't see me in the private moments like Andrew, Debbie, Larissa and my mom have seen). I went to starting Heroes for Children with Larissa less than six weeks after Allie's death and I have remained in the cancer world in an extremely involved way, including going to cancer camp every year (three more weeks!).
But, I don't take care of myself like I should. I don't let myself get completely happy. I have to commiserate about something. Because when I let myself get totally happy, I get scared that something is going to happen again. The night before Allie was diagnosed, I told a friend at dinner that life was perfect. I said I had everything I wanted and I couldn't be happier in my life. Then, the unthinkable happened.
So, when I got to that great point of my body looking good in November, I honestly believe I got scared. I felt great, I was happy with my career, I was thrilled with this wonderful precious little girl, and my marriage was the best it could be. So, that meant in my mind, something was bound to go wrong. I panicked, and I began eating. I ate. Oh how I ate. Let me tell you---it was good too! I ate until I overate. I came to realize this was happening when I recently received some bad news. My first reaction? Ice cream and fast. I immediately went and got a Chick Fil-A milkshake to ease the pain. I didn't deal with my problem in any other way.
And now, I am back to feeling unhappy about myself. But this time, I am changing my attitude. I have a good support of friends who let me bitch when I want (they know who they are!) and I will not continue in this manner. It isn't healthy. Just because I am upset or sad or missing Allie, I cannot let food be my comfort. I need to handle my grief in a better way.
Now, don't get me wrong--just because I am saying this does NOT mean I won't slip. I have a girls weekend, camp, and a cruise coming up in the near future and I know that it won't always be easy (though my sweet friend has promised to have some fruit on hand!). But, I need to do this. I don't want to become bigger than I already am. I realize I am not huge, but I am not healthy. I am not a healthy weight. **Please note--I am not writing this expecting a bunch of "you look great" responses. I am not needing validation on how I currently look--I know it isn't great and I am trying to be realistic about it.**
Not only am I not a healthy weight, I am not a healthy, active person. I need to be more. I HATE exercising. Not just dislike--HATE it. I enjoy a nice family walk with the dog and the baby, and I love to swim. So, that is what I decided to do. Years ago, I got into water aerobics and loved it. I am signing back up hopefully starting next week, and Andrew and I are planning more family walks in the evenings. I don't want to pass on my unhealthy habits and lifestyle on to Maggie. I need to do something about this. I have the power to change it. I just need to do it.
It's going to be tough, but I think I am finally ready for the challenge.
Saturday, June 9th--
9:00pm--Summer time! Our first time with a toddler in a swim suit last night. Really, how cute is this?
Last night, my best friend Deb and I took her kids and Maggie to the splash park in Allen, Celebration Park. Maggie was ready in her new bathing suit and lathered in sunscreen. Of course, she was nervous at first with the water getting in her face. She didn't know what to do with it! Eventually, she was more comfortable with the water!
Now, if only our weather would cooperate and stop raining for a while, maybe we can be outside more often!
Monday, May 28th-- Congratulations Jeremy and Debra!!
8:30pm--My brother was married yesterday. Our entire family was apart of the festivities with me a bridesmaid, Andrew a groomsman, and Maggie a beautiful flower girl.
A few pictures:
Jeremy asked me to make a toast before the cake. I thought a lot about it to write my speech. Here it is:
Good evening. My name is Jenny, and I am Jeremy’s younger sister. You know, I’ve been thinking about the relationships between siblings this week in preparation for this day. I grew up with just Jeremy and me in our home with our parents. I often think I missed out on having a sister. I didn’t fight over clothes or friends, and I didn’t form the type relationship as Sara and Debra. I always wanted a sister—wanted someone to giggle with about boys or talk about girl things. Yes, I longed for a sister. But me, I had a brother.
But, then, I realized that Debra missed out on the experience of having a brother. So, Debra, I thought I would let you in on what it’s like. I want to tell you a little about having a brother.
A brother can be SO frustrating. He will torment your cat with a devilish grin to the point that the mere sight of said brother will send the cat flying in the other direction. A brother will fight you over the most minor of issues—who is looking out who’s window, who has to pick up the toys, and even who gets to eat the oatmeal raisin cookie after dinner. A brother can make you so frustrated that all you can think to do is bite him in retaliation, though the showing of teeth is sometimes sufficient to let the brother know you’re angry.
And who knows if a brother always tells you the truth. Did the dog jump in the pool? Did your brother throw him in??? It will forever be a mystery. In front of his friends, he will tell you to go away and that you’re not that important. But, when all the friends are gone and it’s just the two of you, he might be willing to bear your company for a little while.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It is possible to have fun with a brother. While neither of you may admit to your friends that you actually slept on a trampoline overnight waiting for Santa’s arrival, secretly you know it was one of the best nights with your brother. He might make you play GI Joes more than you want, but you have such a nice time that you ignore the fact that you really don’t like GI Joes! If you’re lucky, he will share his Nintendo controller with you for a while, but don’t press your luck because he isn’t going to let you have it for long. Just to be able to be with your brother, who even with all his frustrating qualities, you admire so much, you will do just about anything. You even let him talk you into giving him your quarter at the arcade so that he is able to teach you, not realizing that he’s just duped you out of your turn!
A brother can make you mad. You can get so very mad that you SWEAR you will never speak to him again. But, later that morning when your car is hit by a driver ignoring a stop sign, it’s your brother you will turn to for help.
You see, that’s the thing about a brother. They are who you run to on the playground when someone has hurt your feelings or made you mad. They are who you turn to. And many times, before you even have the time to turn around and seek him out, the brother is already there. So that when your child is in the hospital, your brother is already on his way to your house to care for your dog. When you’re in your darkest moment of pain, your brother is gently patting you on the back. A brother is there.
He will stand by you in the hard times. While you stand on one side of your mother to support her from the weight of grief of the loss of your father, that brother will be directly on the other side. When you have joys to share, the brother will be there too. He may not know exactly how to hold your firstborn child, but he will lovingly look at her with pride.
Today, I stand here with pride as a sister looking at my brother. I’m “Sis,” he’s “Bubby” and nothing is ever going to change that.
Debra, I know that Jeremy is going to be a great husband. I know that there will be times he will make you crazy (trust me, I KNOW!). I know there will be many moments where he will look at you with love and pride, and I know that he will be there for you even in your darkest times. How do I know this? How do I know he will be a great husband?
Because he’s a great brother.
I love you Jer.
Tuesday, May 15th--
11:00pm--If you haven't been over to Brandon's site in the past few days, you've missed the news that Brandon received his brand new liver! Melissa got the call late Sunday night (Mother's Day) and hurriedly prepared for their departure to Texas Children's in Houston. I was lucky enough to speak to her just a few minutes after Brandon went into surgery Monday morning for an 8 hour long procedure giving this precious baby a new chance at life. Sadly, this chance came when a 5 year old little girl was killed by a drunk driver on Mother's Day. How bittersweet for the family.
Please visit my other favorite chunky baby (because of course, Allie will always hold my heart as one chunky little girl!) and send well wishes to the family. I ask that you also keep the donor family in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time as well.
A longer post to come later. --Jenny
Saturday, April 28th--
9:45pm--What do you get when an 18 month old takes a 20 minutes nap in the car after Gymboree instead of the normal 2-2 1/2 average nap session--one really LONG afternoon! The remedy? Best friend and two godchildren, Hannah and Ben, to entertain said 18 month old. Solution! Playhouse and Sandbox--good evening! LOL. I'm pooped!
We're gearing up for a busy May--lots to do at Heroes for Children, trip to Sea World, Mother's Day, and my brother's wedding! Phew! It'll be a long month, but a good one.
A little HFC talk for a minute...
Heroes for Children continues to bless my life in so many ways. I LOVE my job. We're raising money for such a worthy cause and giving it out on an incredible level. This month, more than $20,000 left our office to serve families with children with cancer. Just in the month of April. Expansion in Houston has really taken off, going in to another chapter of that new adventure. Let me tell you, managing fundraising efforts in an entirely different city is a feat. A challenge, but one that I love. My friend Cameron on the Board of Directors reminds me often that Allie and Taylor guide this organization. How else would we be so successful in such a short time in a very competitive field? Two angels are behind us, helping create opportunities that bring success and inspiration. Thanks to those beautiful little girls, more than 26 families were assisted in the month of April alone.
Heroes for Children continues to look for new ways to develop and fundraise. We've had supporters give in all increments, and all amounts make a difference. Recently, a mother in Richardson (no need to mention her name, but she knows who she is) created a really cool birthday card invitation for her son's 1st birthday. In lieu of gifts, she collected more than $350 for HFC. How cool! We love stories like that.
Two of our newest things this year are HFC Friends, our Women's Auxiliary Membership Group in Dallas (soon to be created in Houston, but with men and women down in that market) and the Heroes for Children Blog, Every Day Wishes. The blog has been a lot of fun so far. I am really hoping it continues to flourish. I want to see articles about all kinds of topics related to childhood cancer and HFC (get to know me a little and you'll see I dream BIG--execution takes longer than I want on some many projects, but I always keep the big picture in mind!). I love seeing how many people that follow this blog are getting involved with the HFC blog.
Speaking of the blog, we're up for Best Charity Blog!! We were nominated for the Blogger Choice Awards for Best Charity Blog. Blogging is a newer concept in the nonprofit community. I was in a leadership class (that I am taking through the Center for Nonprofit Management) discussing it the other day. As we all know, the internet is a fabulous tool. It brings so many people together. The other day, I posted about my girls night with my new friends. I didn't think much about it until my friend Jennifer said her blog hit count doubled that day! Thanks for sending them some love, my internet friends! Now, if you have subscribed to the HFC blog, I recommend it! There is a link for you to type in your address to receive e-mail updates when the site is updated. I am subscribed to a few various blogs myself, and I love this email feature! My friend said it's too bad we didn't have it when Allie was sick--then she wouldn't of have to refresh this website obsessively every ten minutes to see if I had posted an update on Allie's condition! Of course, if you get a chance and are willing, we'd also appreciate your vote!
Have I mentioned how much I love my job?
Andrew is playing Lego Star Wars on the XBox (keep in mind--we grew up in the 80s as younger kids--we're products of the video game nation and that man loves him some Lego Star Wars and Zelda!), so I think that's my cue to curl in bed with a book. Anyone need a good author? If you aren't reading books by Jodi Picoult, you're missing out. And yes, I've read My Sister's Keeper. Knowing what I was getting myself into, I read the book three months after the death of my little girl. I cried through the entire book, but I found peace too. The mother's perspective is so spot on, so exact, better than any description of AML in a Grey's Anatomy episode (don't even want to tell you how many times Andrew and I YELLED at the TV that night! Talked to Larissa the next day and she said she was doing the same thing!). The mother describes at one point in My Sister's Keeper the feeling of knowing your own child is dying. It was so moving and so genuine that I sat up in bed one night and made Andrew listen to the paragraph, then proceeded to read it three more times. All of Ms. Picoult's books have that effect on me. Well, ok, maybe not to the same degree as I don't relate to being Amish in a farming community in the East, I guess, but you know what I mean. All the books are profound in some way. I'm currently looking forward to beginning Harvesting the Heart, my latest of her books. I get on a series of authors and want to read everything I can. You should have seen me in college with Toni Morrison!
Well, that was all to say I think I'm heading to bed. A bit all over the map in my randomness tonight, I know.
Have a great Saturday night! Oh, if you're in the area of Caruth Park in Dallas between 4-6 tomorrow with your families and would like to possibly be a member of HFC Friends ($40 annual membership for members, that's it!), join us at our First Annual HFC Friends Family Picnic! Bring your family and your picnic basket and we'll see you there!
--Jenny
Monday, April 23rd--
9:00pm---Can I just say how much I am thoroughly enjoying this weather right now? Maggie and I have been outside every night! With her slide, play house, and new sandbox--that girl is set! We have a ball together. Of course, we cannot skip a bath in the evening after the sandbox, but it is so worth it! Now, every once in a while, the sand is better eaten than played with, which then causes a big row between Maggie and Mama. Mean Mama just won't let her eat too much sand before removing her from the sandbox. The nerve!
After weeks of stressful work for Heroes and Handbags (let me just say WOW--it was AWESOME!!), I finally ran myself into the ground. I now sit here with a froggy voice and I'm finally recovering from a week long cold. Andrew attributes the lingering cold to the fact that I never truly slowed down--worked every day, still had a wrap party for Heroes and Handbags (with a large check presentation--have I mentioned that we raised $253,000 in Dallas??? Not to mention what Houston raised--totals aren't in yet for that! YIPEE!!), went with friends to see Wicked at Music Hall at Fair Park, and even had a Girls Night with Tracey, Jennifer, Amy, Jenn M (whose beautiful baby Audrey is quite the amazing HERO! Look for Jenn and Audrey on billboards for Presby Dallas Hospital! As Jen W. says--try not to get in an accident when you see that gorgeous girl on the highway!), Stacy and my best friend Debbie. By the end of the night, I officially lost my voice. Not to worry, Maggie had a great time spending the night with her beloved Grandma that night and never noticed my absence. Can I tell you how in love those two are with each other?
This weekend I left my laptop at the office. No email to read or send, no blogs to check in on, no work to complete. It was a weird feeling to be disconnected for a few days. But a good one. We had a great day yesterday--Dallas World Aquarium, nap for mom and Maggie, family walk with Brandy, Maggie's favorite dinner, and more than an hour in the backyard before a big bath! I loved it!
Please continue your prayers for Brandon. He's been on the list for a liver transplant for 17 days now. On Thursday, April 12th, they got a call that a liver was available. Being that he has to have his transplant at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston, the family had to pack up and head to the airport immediately. I talked to Melissa, Brandon's mom, as they were frantically trying to get out and get Brandon's twin Aiden situated with care as well. I felt the panic and fear in her voice. I was pained for my new friend hearing her voice terrible and her tearfully ask me if I thought Brandon would make it. I hung up the phone feeling at such a loss. We were in Houston that night preparing for the big event the next day. Without hesitation, Cheryl, my friend and Office Manager, said "We're going! We'll meet them at the hospital!" So, at 11pm that night, we headed to Texas Children's. Andrew told me I was crazy at first. Then I asked him, "would you have wanted me alone in an unfamiliar environment while our child was in a major surgery?" No, he wouldn't, he said (did I mention that Brandon's dad had to drive to Houston while baby and mom flew? She would have been all alone). While waiting, we hit the McDonald's inside Texas Children's. Nothing like a Quarter Pounder late at night to calm your nerves, right?
Thirty minutes later, I got a call that the liver was tested further and it was no good. They were headed back home to wait. How unfair for them! How sad to know that this liver is coming at the price of another person, I would assume a child, having to die. So, I ask you, take a minute and pray for this sweet little man. Because, a baby has to survive this awful disease. Why shouldn't it be Brandon? He deserves this chance! If you want to help out further, you can also visit this site for fundraisers for Brandon.
Alright, I'm heading my recovering coughing self into bed. Have a wonderful week with your families! Jenny
Sunday, April 15th-- 10:30pm--No time for a post, but here are some recent pictures of the sweet girl.
Monday, April 9th-- 6:00pm--It's my baby's birthday. No, not Maggie. Six years ago, a hairy, sweet, stinky golden retriever was born. Five weeks later, she waddled her little ball of fluff into my life and I was hooked! I still remember the day we brought her home. Seriously, doesn't Andrew look so young in that picture? Guess that's because we were 23!!
Our sweet Brandy is six years old today. What a sweet dog she is too. Any dog that will allow a toddler to crawl on top of her, ride her like a horse, pull her tail, and mess with her while she eats is most definitely one worth keeping! She puts up with so much from Maggie while giving her lovey kisses. She is never far from my side, wanting, no REQUIRING, lots of loving and attention.
Happy Birthday to my first baby. I love you, Brandy!!
Friday, March 23rd
Midnight--Wow, two posts in one week. Can't sleep tonight after an amazing evening. I am rambling a bit tonight, so we'll see how coherent this is...
It's been a full three years since I've taught. When I taught, it was my life. Those kids were so important to me. Since then, I've kept up with many students. I receive the occasional e-mails from former kids updating me on their lives and have dinner or lunch with a few students every once in a while. A few weeks ago, my former student Lauren Pisarik asked if she could plan another dinner with students. Usually, when we have done this, 2-5 kids have shown up and we've had a great time. This is what I was expecting tonight.
Maggie joined me for dinner with the kids. As I was driving up to the restaurant, I looked to the front entrance. I noticed seniors that I taught 6-8th grade. Then, I look closer and notice juniors that I taught 7-8th grade (I only taught one year of 6th too--it wasn't for me). My expectation of four kids quickly changed when I realized we had TWENTY kids there! Twenty kids. What a joy it was to see them!! Of course, Maggie didn't know what to think at first. She clung to me, stared at the kids, and made flirty eyes with the boys. Didn't take her long to start running around the waiting area outside with the kids (while still checking in with me for hugs every minute or so).
You know, I have often questioned my life's path with my career since Allie's death. I do not regret the decision to quit teaching when we knew Allie's transplant was upon us. As heart wrenching as it was, it was the right choice. I know that creating Heroes for Children has been the right choice for me now. But, was the time spent as a teacher significant? Did I do something right in my life? Did I make an impact?
Tonight, I was reminded that yes, the work I did as a teacher was just as important as the work I am doing as a nonprofit executive. I worked with some of the most special children. Those twenty there tonight were just a representation of all the amazing young children I have been blessed to know over the years. Throughout the night I heard, "So and so says hi, but he has to work tonight," or "Oh Madame, so and so has a softball game but she loves you!"
The night passed quickly. We laughed about old times, told stories about things going on, and cried a few times too. I don't like to cry about Allie or my situation in public. It usually bothers me. I was trying to tell them how much it meant to me that they supported me during the time of Allie's illness and death. All those kids there tonight attended her funeral. They were in high school at that point, no longer my students. Yet, they were there. And that meant more to me than I will ever truly express. As I was speaking, I began choking up. I took a few seconds to wipe my eyes and compose myself only to look up into the faces of several kids with tears in their eyes as well.
It was hard to part tonight. Maggie was perfect and fun, entertaining them all. We stood up to leave, only leaving us standing as a group continuing our catch up. Let me tell you--my kids (as yes, they are like my children) are on the edge of greatness in their future. Tonight, I heard of plans of college, talk of becoming doctors, and even one heading to spend his freshman year in college in Switzerland!
Before I left tonight, two of my boys made a point to tell me that I had impacted their life. Yes, my boys. They know who they are. One told me that middle school was the worst years of his life. The only thing that he liked was French class. He said I was the only person who was "on his side." Surprisingly to me, I looked to see several others nodding in agreement. Really? Wasn't that just my job?
The other waited until the others dispersed from my car to speak to me in private. He told me that he had something to tell me that he has not had the chance to tell me in the past two years. Truthfully, I didn't know what he was going to say. Then, he started. By the time he was finished, we were both crying. Here's his story--he attended Allie's funeral. The moment that he hugged me at the funeral, his life was changed. He knew in that moment, he said, that he would NOT forget and he would do something about it. His college essays this year explained why he wanted to be a pediatric oncologist. Wow. Again, I am hearing of the impact my little girl has made on people's lives. You know, he didn't have to ever tell me that. He could have left for college, followed his dream, and never looked back. But instead, he took the time to acknowledge Allie and her legacy. I cried expressing my gratitude. Maybe one day he will help a family through a time like ours and make a difference. Maybe he will help alleviate the suffering and CURE children from this terrible disease.
I can't say how proud I am of all these kids. I say they're kids, but not really anymore. They're juniors and seniors! Gosh, I met Andrew my senior year. They're on the frontier of their lives and becoming adults. Weren't they just cute little sixth graders asking silly questions and fidgeting in their seats? Wasn't I just singing the "etre song" with them? (which they did recite quite well tonight six years later!) Where has the time gone?
I left feeling so blessed. I needed tonight. I love my current job and know that it is the right position for me at this time in my life. But I do feel as though in the short time that I taught--only four years--I left a stamp. I left an imprint. It wasn' the verbs (though I did have some fun songs to sing to help them remember their conjugations) or the fun games we played (I was reminded tonight of "Trashketball" and "The Spinning Game"). It was the kids. But I am also reminded that they left their stamp on me.
Thank you to my wonderful students that were there this evening tonight. Thank you for a perfect reunion. I'm so proud of what you have become and the many possibilities for your future. I am so proud to know you. To all my students over the four years of my teaching career--thank you for leaving your stamp on me. Thank you for the impact you made on my life. My time with you all is not forgotten. Lots of Love,
"Madame Scott"
Tuesday, March 20th-- Maggie and American Idol
10:30pm-- Two perfect nights of TV for Miss Maggie--Dancing with the Stars and American Idol. That girl loves to dance! For being a 16 month old, girlfriend has some moves. She shakes her little hips hula style and loves to headbang to music. It is so cute. Just the mention of the word "dance" with no music has the girl busting a groove! We have toys in the middle of the living room with the TV on to entertain us. During the performances, Maggie dances or stares in wonder and amazement at the talent (or lack thereof in some cases) on the screen. It is so sweet! She liked the Miss USA girl on Dancing with the Stars (she loved the song and danced from start to finish) and liked Haley on American Idol. Now, I'm a Blake Lewis fan, but we can have differing opinions.
What a little miss she is becoming! She can be so particular about certain things. Some things she likes or likes to do(in no particular order):
Yeah, that's a good list. What a sweet precious precocious little girl. Wherever did she get that from?
Off to bed so that I can be ready for my page (a loud and boisterous "MAMA!!!") at 6am. Makes getting up so much easier when you know you're heading off to see that smile! Jenny
Wed., March 7th--In an "I hate cancer" funk tonight....
9:00pm--Babies. Why do babies get cancer? Their little bodies are going through so much, just trying to develop and learn. They are innocent and sweet, not tainted in any way. Precious and perfect. So, what happens--why does a baby get cancer?
Tonight, yes, I am thinking of Allie, but I am also thinking of others. I recently posted that I have become friends with a mother of a child with cancer. Since she has allowed me to post his link on the HFC blog, I will speak about him here. Baby Brandon is a sweet, happy, chunky 12 month old. He's gorgeous and sweet, and he has a rare, stage III, liver cancer. I will never understand this. Never in my life. Since just before Christmas, Brandon's gone through the mill--surgery, three rounds of chemotherapy, and separation from his twin brother. Yet, like Allie, he has maintained his sweet smile and brought light and happiness to all those that know him. His mother is set to be a featured writer for the HFC blog, sharing a parent's perspective of childhood cancer. His mother, Melissa, and I have spoken on the phone once (LONG conversation--I felt such a connection and most likely could have spoken with her for hours!), but we email every few days. I have also been fortunate to get to know Melissa's sister, Erin, who was a large supporter and follower of our little Allie.
Today was to be his big surgery. Remove the tumor and 40% of his liver. Sadly, this is not possible. The tumor is in a bad spot and its removal is simply not possible. He now has to have a full blown liver transplant. NO!!! This poor baby.
It's just not fair, and it never will be.
In the past three weeks or so, Larissa and I have received emails or phone calls regarding a four month old with stage IV neuroblastoma. As I do not know the family, I will not post any of their information. The little girl is beautiful. Stage IV??? Why? The connections to this family continue to come to us. Last week, Andrew called to ask me if Heroes for Children has helped the family yet. How did he know about them? Well, the grandmother works for Andrew's company. I have visited her website a few times (Larissa follows it daily), but I have remained guarded and scared. Too close to home, I guess, to read about a four month old with cancer. Too close to home, you know?
Maggie has had an ongoing fever since Monday night. Tuesday, I took her to the pediatrician's office. He felt that it was just a viral infection and that the fever may persist for a few days. If it doesn't go away, then we should come back in. You know, this is what we originally thought was wrong with Allie. A persistent fever, most likely viral, that just needed to "run it's course." The next week, we thought it was a sinus infection (a very logic thought) and put her on antibiotics. The following week, she was in the ICU, undergoing chemotherapy, with a 20% chance to live. Excuse me if I won't accept viral infection as the diagnosis without proof. I must see blood results. A very unhappy Maggie had a CBC yesterday with results coming back to me in 10 minutes. Yes, she has a viral infection. Her red cell count and platelet count looked great. Her white count was down slightly, but he said that was to be expected. She doesn't have cancer, just a viral infection.
When will my brain and heart believe that without requiring blood tests? Will my mind ever not jump directly to cancer? Now, just because I had those results back didn't make me completely comfortable. I still obsessively took Maggie's temperature every two hours today!
Andrew came home to find me tonight at the kitchen table reading about Brandon, tears streaming down my face. I read more than six applications of assistance for cancer families to be helped by Heroes for Children. We had a long discussion about babies and cancer. When will this stop?? When will mothers like me and Melissa not watch our babies suffer and hurt? When will we find a CURE?? When will this STOP??
I have been asked to play a part in understanding infant leukemia. The Children's Oncology Group through the University of Minnesota is having a nationwide study done of mothers and infants with leukemia. There are over 240 mother/child pairs participating in the study. They may be survivors or they may have passed. Allie's doctors asked me to take part in this study. It's been a process that has been going on for months. I filled out paperwork, talked on the phone to agree with my participation, then did a 45 minute phone interview. They are researching to see if there are any links with mothers and infants that are diagnosed less than six months of age. Is there something happening during pregnancy? Something that could possibly link with DNA? Currently, there are no answers and really no theories. However, without the research, they will never know a definitive answer. They requested Allie's DNA samples from the hospital (not sure what was there or what part they are using) and I have been set a packet to do a cheek sample of my DNA to send back to the University of Minnesota. During the phone interview, they asked me questions about my pregnancy with Allie, some random or so it seemed (my favorite was how often I ate PICKLES during my pregnancy). The rest of the questions focused on family history and Allie's health immediately after birth. The interviewer asked me how many pregnancies I have had and if any other children had cancer. No, just Allie. Maggie--HELL NO!! Then, she asked me the question that made the tears flow--she was asking about when I discovered my pregnancy with Allie. And then she asked, "and was it a WANTED pregnancy??" YES!!!!! Oh yes, that was a wanted pregnancy, a wanted baby. I wanted her desperately. From then on in the interview, my answers were a bit emotionally charged. When I hung up, I cried for quite a while. Cried not only for my sweet baby, but with the knowledge that 239 mothers were answering those very same questions, many feeling the same pain and lost as me.
I hope they find some answers. Hope they find some type of understanding. Cause I know there are many of us out there that want ANSWERS!!
My only answer right now is I hate cancer.
Jenny
Mon. March 5th--
11:00am---What do you get when a toddler doesn't take a nap all day after spending the night at grandma's???
That was one sleepy baby!! She couldn't even stay awake for her pizza (her favorite!)
Nothing more to post right now as Maggie is squirming in my lap (it's Spring Break and I have no childcare today so she's home with me!)
Have a great Monday, Jenny
Mon. Feb. 26th--
Heroes for Children is now blogging! I'm so excited about a new adventure for Heroes for Children and people to learn more about our mission and cause. Check out the new Heroes for Children Blog. At this time, there is only one introduction article (written by yours truly), but we anticipate an update a week or so. Please join us and check us out frequently. I love the idea of having a blog--look at how this site (which I didn't even realize was a "blog" when I was journaling). Our Heroes for Children Website stays a little more stagnant--providing important information on what we do. It is current with dates and events, but much of the other information stays the same. So, this blog is a way for people to check in on us frequently and see what's going on. Not all blog entries will be about Heroes for Children. My friend Tracey has a four part article she is working on about volunteering in general, and two moms Jennifer and Melissa will focus on life with a child with cancer. More often than not, I anticipate most of my blog entries to focus on the services Heroes for Children provides to families. We can't divulge names or information on families, but I can share basic stories.
I've spent the last few weeks researching blogging and how they are beneficial. Of course, I have my favorite blogs that I love to frequent--most especially Sugar Photography's blog, the Sweet Life. I check out this blog at least once a week to see the new pictures and sessions with gorgeous Dallas babies that Jen is doing. Have I reported that she was voted Favorite Family Photographer in Dallas Child? I may have voted once or twice :)
A couple of recent Maggie:
What a funny baby.
Not much else for today.
Wed., Feb. 14th--
10:30pm--A little all around the map for tonight's journal--happy, sad, and everything in between.
Happy Valentine's Day!! Andrew and I choose not to do anything for Valentine's. Both of us have birthday in January and with just coming off Christmas, we have decided not to give gifts. We're going out with three other couples Sat. night. Tonight, we spent our time playing with Maggie and eating her favorite meal--turkey spaghetti. Oh, her belly after she was done was quite the site! We laughed all night watching her. Her new thing is giving kisses. She's funny about her kisses though. They aren't traditional and they aren't given out when requested. She prefers to kiss us upside down. Usually, Andrew gets the best kisses. Here's the set-up--I sit up in the playroom. Andrew will lay his head in my lap laying flat on his back and Maggie will climb into my lap. He looks up at her and she leans over his face. Before being sweet and kissy, she will typically dig her fingers in his face, trying to either stick them up his nose or in his eye sockets! Then, very gentle, she will lean over (still upside down) and kiss him. I love it!!
Thanks for all the feedback on discipline and time outs. Maggie's new babysitter (other sitter is sick with her third baby, so she decided to not keep children anymore) has a carpet square in front her fire place that is for time outs. Maggie will actually sit on the square! So, we're going to get us a carpet sample for our home as well. Cute thing--Maggie sits next to the other children when they are in a time out too! No one is ever alone during time outs. I also appreciate all the comments about the speech. I neglected to mention that Maggie DOES know more than 10 signs that she uses on a daily basis! My ped. doesn't count them as words, but trust me, I know when she wants milk!
I've recently become friends with a mom here in Dallas whose little baby has hepatoblastoma, a rare liver cancer. Yesterday, we spent over an hour on the phone talking about childhood cancer, our chubby babies, and how this has all changed us. Right now, she is home with her sweet baby twin boys and we haven't met up in person yet (though I had a great lunch with her sister!). I hope to soon though. I've absolutely fallen in love with her sweet little man too. I check his website (as I haven't discussed this with her, I am opting not to post his site just yet--if she says yes, I will) each and every day and celebrate all his successes. I think he is the one child I have gotten myself attached to on the web in a long time. He's big, chubby and sweet. He reminds me of Allie so much in his strength and resilency (and his gorgeous smile!).
I think about Allie a lot. It's funny when a memory or some emotion will hit me and how it will affect me. When Allie was sick, many many people sent her gifts. Most of them were from strangers who felt compelled to action and wanted to do something to help. Giraffe after giraffe item came in to brighten her day and give her a smile. She loved it! Some of the gifts were given to the hospital for the Child Life department (and of course "Big Sophie" was given to the clinic), and some are still here with us as toys for Maggie. Other gifts were practical ones. My favorite was a monthly shipment of diapers from a complete stranger in New England, Emily. Emily knew we didn't like the Huggies diapers provided free of charge from the hospital, so she took it upon herself to purchase size 4 Pampers for Allie and ship them to us. When Allie died, there was still a full box of diapers left that was completely unopened. Andrew and I decided to hang on to those diapers. It wasn't until last month that the box was opened. Little petite Maggie has been in size threes all this time, but we opened up the box in January. Emily's name and address was still on the box as the return address label. I couldn't help myself, I looked her up and dialed her home number. When I went to explain why I was calling, I lost it. I told her how that day we had opened the box of diapers for Maggie. Why did that affect me so? Truthfully, I haven't been able to completely put my finger on it. For me, it was about a stranger's kindness and generosity. That box had served as a reminder for so long of our loss. Opening it was, in a way, a sense of healing and moving forward. Thank you again, Emily, for your gift. Thank you to everyone that sent either me a keepsake of Allie (such as my precious Planet Jill necklace that I cherish and wear every day!) or gave a toy for Allie. Those things have meant so much!
Another gift was from my friend and now Office Manager, Cheryl. It was a book called The Angel with the Golden Glow, by Elissa Al-Chokhacy. Though she gave it to me well over a year ago, I have chosen not to read it until fairly recently. Actually, I didn't realize I what I was reading. Maggie is VERY into books and loves to read all the time. I never resist a chance to have her curl up in my lap for a story. A few weeks ago, Maggie brought me this book to read. Not really noticing the cover, I started reading, not knowing that the second part of the title is "A Family's Journey Through Loss and Healing." By the middle of the book, I had a steady stream of tears down my face. By the end, I was bawling. Indulge me a little---here is the story:
Once in a village in a faraway place, a child was born.
He was unlike any other child. He was special. Of course all babies are special, but this child was different. He was really an angel in disguise. His golden hair, long curly dark eyelashes, cherubic cheeks, and sweetness were the only telltale signs that could possibly give away his disguise.
This angel was full of courage, as most angels who come to earth. Shortly before the cherub's birth, God gathered all the angels and held an important meeting in heaven. "My beloved angels," He said, "how I love each of you for the joy you bring! Soon there is to be born on earth a special child. He will be different from the other children in the things he will be able to do. I need the bravest of all My cherubs to bring healing. You will be born in this special earthly body. It will not work in the same way as most do. Although you'll have loving parents, life will not be easy. Soon after your birth, they will know your time on earth will be brief."
The cherubs started jumping up and down, waving their hands, hoping to be chosen! An angel's purpose is to spread love, joy, hope, and healing. Each knows it is a great privilege to do God's work.
God looked among His angels and noticed one whose halo shone brighter than all the rest. "Little Angel with the Golden Glow," He announced, " I choose you to be born unto this earthly home. Your light is so bright it can penetrate even the deepest sadness and change it into love. It is you, blessed angel, who shall do My work on earth. The angel was thrilled! How he had hoped he would be chosen! He would work with all his might to bring healing into his new home.
All the angels gathered around their friend to say goodbye. They would miss him. Yet they knew it was a great honor to be chosen for this wonderful journey. One cherub, the Angel with the Tender Heart, was especially sad. He cried because the Angel with the Golden Glow was his best friend. What would he do without him? Sensing his friend's dispair, The Angel with the Golden Glow hugged him close. As he did this, his halo shone so much light that his friend's sadness soon lifted. "Don't be sad. This is the greatest day of my life. I'm off to share my love with the world. Remember I'll always love you...whether we are together or apart....one from the other. One day you too will be chosen, and you will understand."
When the Angel with the Golden Glow was finally ready, he was born into the chosen home. There was great celebration for he was the family's first child and first grandchild. Hi mom and dad and the entire family were ectastic.
The story continues that the Angel with the Golden Glow quickly becomes sick and it is known to the family that the child would not survive. However, sadness was difficult to achieve around the angel because of the beautiful, love, and happiness he let shine each day. Most of all, the angel brought love to this earth family. Sadly for the family, the angel returns to Heaven. Returning to Heaven, he was sad because he missed his family on Earth, yet happy to reunite with his best friend, the Angel with the Tender Heart. The story continues with the Angel with the Tender Heart proclaiming,
"I missed you so much. Yet our time together in heaven will be short. I have the most amazing news! God has chosen ME to be born into the same family. There is still much healing that needs to be done. Just think! We will be earthly brothers as well as heavenly brothers! This is surely the greatest honor of my life!" The Angel with the Golden Glow was happy for his friend's wonderful opportunity. There wasn't anyone in all of heaven he would rather send to his earth family than his dearest friend. Yet he would miss him..........
The last page...
As the Angel with the Tender Heart was leaving, he said, "I love you, dear friend. I promise to take tender loving care of all those you love on earth. Don't be sad....for there will be a day when we will be together again. And remember, as you wisely taught me, I'll always love you....whether we are together or apart....one from the other.
I've often wondered about whether or not there was a connection of some kind with my girls. I am not going to get into a religious debate about this, but I will say that I like the premise and concept of this book. Whether or not this is what happens is irrelevant. What is important is that it brings me peace and comfort, as I would imagine it does for other moms in my situation. Doesn't have to be if the child passed of cancer. Having another child after the death of one is so very difficult. Fears are heightened, emotions are elevated, and people are on guard. I can see both of my girls in these angels in the story. Most definitely Allie had a "golden glow." There was something about her that was pure, sweet, and precious. She was that shining light at the worse times in her life. When all we wanted to do was fall apart and cry in desperation, Allie smiled. When I wanted to scream and be angry, Allie laughed. She was an angel here on earth with us, no doubt about that.
And Maggie, oh Maggie! While Heroes for Children has been a healing process for me, my biggest healing has been Maggie. No, she is not a replacement, so please don't think I am saying that. No, I am not comparing the two girls either. What I am saying is that Maggie taught me how to love again and how to give of myself again. She truly has that "tender heart." She is sweet and good and more fun in my life than I could have ever imagined. When she was first born, I was terrified. I literally stood over her crib each night after putting her down and cried. I was sure that something would take her away, telling myself that maybe we weren't meant to be happy. Though I don't want it to, I find that feeling creeps in every once in a while even now. I am scared that one day cancer will come in and ruin our lives again. Andrew says we are scarred and may always face those fears. Even the darn chicken pox had the two of us in a panic for two full days before we could calm down and accept it really was the chicken pox and not something seriously wrong.
I think it goes back to what I wrote last week about our children being precious. Maybe all children are angels? Isn't that a nice thought. Maybe we all have a purpose? I really don't know. What I do know is my girls and I know how precious they are to me and how much their love means to Andrew and me and the rest of our family.
There is more I have in my head that I have been wanting to write, but not enough time. It is already 11:20pm! I need to get into bed so I am ready for "MAMA!" first thing in the morning! When I go in there, I am immediately greeted with a smile, handed a puppy dog from her stuffed animal collection in her crib, and then given the sign for milk! It is a morning routine and I love it!
Happy Valentine's Day! May it be filled with much love for everyone, Jenny
Monday, Feb. 5th--
2:00pm--Oh, where to begin? Thank you all for the comments, whether flattering or not, in our guestbook in response to my latest post. I posted my thoughts and feelings, and appreciate your support. The written word is so very tricky. I never believed that the original poster meant any harm to me. When I read it though, I got a little upset by it. Sure, I think it is fair to say I got my feelings hurt. I'm human, it happens. What I wish had happened was an email between me and the original poster, but I didn't have her address. Instead, I spouted off my opinion back (probably not handled in the best manner) and ended with an idle threat about making the journal private. Maybe wasn't my best move. For that, Mary, I apologize.
I doubt I will make this journal private, though I have debated it more than once. I have had several friends lecture me that I have been too open in this journal, shared too much. I've tried to be more cautious about that. However, I do still ask people to realize that this journal is not an accurate depiction of me, my family, or my life at all times. It is still fairly one dimensional. There are many, many things I don't share. There are many times that I think of a journal entry in my head, but never come to write it down. Time, I guess. I run out of time to do all that I want to do! Part of being a mother, isn't it? I also hope people understand that my journal cannot be all about my sadness. Yes, I have sadness. But I have joy too--Allie was such a joy in my life. She was an inspiration, just as all children are for their parents. She was special, but just as special as every child that goes through some life threatening illness. Maggie too is a joy and my blessing. These journal entries may not always be about cancer. I do stand by what I said about respecting the privacy of the children I follow on the web. Almost all I that I follow are HFC families, so I don't feel right about posting their sites.
Finally, I want to address the guestbook--please know that the guestbook is an amazing tool for families, friends, and yes, strangers to support others. I know that those guestbook entries got me through a lot of tough times. I have made it a point to read each and every one. So many people I feel like I have come to know just from their posts in the guestbook and on the MSN board. More than once, I have been hurt by guestbook entries too. But, the good messages far outweigh the others. I am forever grateful to those people that supported us and felt inspired by Allie. It really amazes me to see the influence she had (and truly it was her and her strength) on many people. Friends of Allie, the group created in her name to support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society has raised more than $750,000 since her death! That is nothing short of phenomenal. Some of my now closest friends were complete strangers to me during Allie's illness. They jokingly say they were "net stalkers." LOL! Thank you, everyone, for all the posts.
Moving on.....
Heroes for Children is going great!! We spent more than $199,000 in 2006 for program services to families (Can't wait to see the end of 2007, but I'll say this--it is going to increase a lot this year!)!! Can I just say that I LOVE my job? It's a lot of work, but well worth it. I am learning so much about managing nonprofits, fundraising, event planning, etc. I think I have found this to be my passion and my career for long term. We are definitely in a transitional phase. When we started Heroes for Children, it was all about the memory of Allie and Taylor. We were small, grassroots. While Taylor and Allie will always be our root and our history, Heroes for Children is really about ALL the families we serve. It is about the parents that we help and the children we are continuously inspired by. On average, we will gift about $25,000 each month directly to families in need. One recent story that I love--we got an application for a 14 year old girl who is not expected to survive her treatment. Her Make a Wish grant was a room makeover. The social worker said she was really excited about her wish and really wanted to see her room, but medically, she was unable to leave the hospital. The doctor granted her a one day pass to go home, but ambulance transport was the only way to get her there. We were requested to help cover the cost of the ambulance to transport the child to her home one final time to see her wish from the Make a Wish Foundation. How beautiful to be apart of that!
We are also working on developing our programs for the social assistance aspect of our mission. Our mission is to provide "financial and social assistance to families, within the state of Texas, with children battling cancer." The financial aspect is easy--we raise funds, we write checks to families. We have a secure online website application for social workers, and we've built strong relationships with the hospital social workers. The social assistance is a little more difficult to wrap our brains around. Laptops for Love is our biggest social program that deals with the emotional well being of the child. So far, we have donated 30 laptops to kids in the hospital. I am actually shipping one out tomorrow. I would really like to see this program grow. We currently have a supply and demand issue--we have way more need for the laptops from patients living in the hospital than we have functioning laptops ready for donation. We have many other things we are working on for social assistance. If any of you have any ideas, please share!
As for for our little "Munchie Moo"....
Maggie is AWESOME!! I think every month I tell myself, "oh this is my favorite age." Then comes the next month, she does something new and cute and I think, "oh, this is my favorite age!" The life of a toddler is so interesting. Everything is new to explore. And boy is Maggie ever into exploration. She climbs EVERYTHING!! We had to give back the beautiful rocking chair that is at the top of this page (it was on loan to us from a family friend for Maggie's room). I loved that gorgeous chair, but Maggie figured out how to climb up it, stand up, and rock with no hands! Scary! She now climbs the couch (and proceeds to stand up and run across it), chairs, and attempts to crawl up the shelves (which, yes, they are bolted down!) My pediatrician talked to us at her 15 month check up that it is time to begin with "time-outs." Now, that's been interesting! I don't know if we have a great time out strategy yet, but we are discussing it. The big thing is that Andrew and I want to be consistent. I don't want one of us to be the "tough parent" and the other to be the softy (let's be honest, we all know it will be Andrew that is the softy!! He falls to mush with that little girl!). Again, I love tips! Tell me what works!
Maggie is doing really well developmentally too. I love to watch her discover something for the first time. The only thing the doctor said is that she is a little behind verbally. He said that at 15 months, most babies know 5 or more words besides "Mama" and "Dada." Maggie knows one--she says "OH?" when she "talks" on the telephone. He said by 18 months, she should know 12 words, and if she doesn't, I should call him. I started to get worried after that appointment. I wrote on the local mom message board I belong to (love Dallas Area Moms!!) asking what other people's experience was. Many said that their child had the same thing and that they just picked it up at 18 months or so without much problem. I felt a little better. Then, I called my mother in law. She reminded me that my sweet husband didn't speak until he was almost three!! He just didn't have much to say. One day, he just started speaking in sentences. Frances also reminded me that until now, Maggie has been just like her daddy in most ways! Lucky for us, she has his temperament! Oh, ok, now I feel better! Just in the last week, she started jabbering. Funny, the thing she jabbers to the most is the big picture of Allie in our hallway!
Maggie lights up our life in a way that I never thought possible. I miss Allie every day. I don't cry every day anymore, but that doesn't mean the pain isn't there. Maggie is so unique, fun, and loving. She makes me want to be a better mother every day. I know I am not the only mother that feels that way. I hope that all mothers, not just ones that have experienced tragedy, look to their children to find betterment in themselves. What precious gifts our children really are.
Well, I better get back to this job I love! Thank for you sticking with me, Jenny
Thursday, Feb. 1st--
8:00pm--I don't often respond to guestbook entries, but I feel compelled to respond to this one....
Maggie is just adorable and I couldn't be happier for you and
your family. So many poeple rallied around you when Allie was sick and it is
nice to see that you are giving back with the work you do with "Hero's for
Children." However, I can't help but wonder why you never mention any other
children who are sick; you didn't even sign Lynn Newman's guest book or even
mention her passing (she mentioned Allie several times in her postings). I know
you are trying to move past your tragedy, but please take a moment to remember
how much people's kind words meant to you when you were going through such a
difficult time. It's one thing to volunteer and get lots of media exposure, it's
another to give quiet words of comfort to those who could really use them.
I appreciate the support, but not the judgement. People need to keep in mind that this journal is just a glimpse. It's what I am in the mood to write. I have gone weeks without writing. When I come to write, I write what I am currently thinking of. Many times, I write a journal in my head and then never sit down to write it. Yes, I do want to move forward from all that we experienced. No, I have NOT forgotten other people's kindness. I remember it every day when I work for Heroes for Children. Those many friends, family, and strangers are the inspiration of our organization.
I do follow several cancer children on a daily basis, but I choose for their privacy not to mention them here in this journal. I have done that in the past and sent too many people to their site. While I haven't minded keeping my journal public, others have not wanted that as much. I actually had a parent not as pleased with me to post the child's website on this journal a while back, so I have chosen to be more cautious of that moving forward. I have not shared that, and did not feel the need to justify my own journal. Due to HIPA laws, I am unable to share stories of the many incredible children we read about everyday through Heroes for Children. Respecting people's privacy is just as important as sharing their stories.
As for Lynn Newman, no, I didn't sign the guestbook or write about her in this journal. I didn't share how I cried for her the night I found out, called Dana, and spent hours on her site. I didn't share how I wrote Holly Crandell (Lynn's best friend) an e-mail three different times, but didn't send because I felt like my words were insufficient.
Finally, as for the media exposure comment--media exposure is only good because it brings more support for Heroes for Children. That's good because it gets more support for the FAMILIES. I am not looking for glorification. Trust me, I wish people didn't know my name for the reason they do. That would mean my daughter is with us and healthy. I would much rather that.
Saddened that I even wrote all this tonight. I guess I'll write more of a happy entry another time. Maybe I should take friends advice and make this a private blog? I certainly hope not.
Jenny
Thursday, January 24th--
10:00pm--Happy Birthday to......ME!! Not an exciting birthday--29. Last year of my twenties! We had a big night--dinner at Chick Fil-A, including a yummy milkshake that I shared with Maggie, then play time at the mall play area. Now, that is a wild night! Wouldn't want it any other way.
We've had some technical problems with the website. I actually did a short post about a month ago (see the post below for Christmas pics of Maggie), but I was unable to get it to go through. Since then, Andrew has been working to solve the problems without much luck. I think it is up and running now. Funny, I thought I was finished with posting. Then, after not posting for so long and being unable to, I missed it! Strange!
Life in our house is all about puppies--stuffed animals, ones on the TV, and Brandy! Maggie is obsessed! Every dog she sees makes Maggie break out into barking like a dog. She picks up a dog stuffed animal and hugs and kisses it. One dog is particular is the favorite. It is a constant companion and one she will always choose before any other. It cracks us up. We have more stuffed puppies then we can count in the house. Last week, Andrew took her to Target. Because she was being so good, he decided to buy her a gift. In the animal section, he showed her different choices. Horse? She shook her head no. Cat?? No again. Then she saw a pink poodle, pointed, nodded while barking. The pink poodle is asleep with her in the crib right now.
Just a short post tonight, but it looks like I will resume it up again. Let's see if I get better about posting on a more frequent basis.
Jenny
Tuesday, December 27th-- 4:00pm--Maggie had a great Christmas! She was so overwhelmed with the presents. Most times, she couldn't finish opening one gift before moving on to another. Everything she saw, she exclaimed "OOOHH!" It was so sweet.
Thank you all for checking in on us and the sweet comments about beautiful Maggie. She continues to be our heart and joy. We miss Allie every day. It was so obvious that we were missing her, especially when the cousins were playing together. But we know she is taking care of us.
Not much of a post, just some Christmas pictures. Happy Holidays!
Wednesday, December 13th--It's going to be a long one.... 10:30pm--Five years ago today, Taylor Brewton was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Her mother, eight months pregnant (with a 20 month old at home) learned the devastating news of her firstborn's illness. Little did she know that five years later we would be sitting in Larissa's office discussing Taylor's beautiful life. We didn't know each other. I never heard about Taylor Brewton. Now, I can't imagine my life without Taylor's legacy and without my good friend Larissa. Taylor's story is an amazing one. She spent months in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy, total body irradiation, and a cord blood transplant from an unrelated donor (neither sister was a match). Larissa had to manage one in the hospital, shuffle one between friends, family and neighbors to assist with her care while trying to maintain some stability for her, and nursing a newborn baby girl. Neither sister was allowed to come in the hospital room on the 12th floor of Medical City. Because of a golf tournament, "Tee Off for Taylor," friends and family raised money to pay for a nanny for the two younger children while Taylor was going through her treatment. Taylor returned home to her sweet sisters in March. She laughed, played, and lived her life to the fullest. That summer, Taylor turned four and celebrated with her favorite Disney characters--101 Dalmatians. On Sept. 13, 2001, two days after the attack on the World Trade Center, Taylor relapsed. Yes, that is the same day as Allie's death three years later. Her fight with leukemia ended two months later.
Without Taylor, we would not be where we are today with Heroes for Children. The foundation laid out by Larissa and the original board set a pathway for our success. I am so grateful for Taylor's Angels. I am forever grateful to be apart of her legacy and memory. I only wish I had known her in person.
I don't remember if I have ever shared how I first thing of Taylor (with as much writing as I've done, who knows what all I have repeated!). It was either May or June 2004 during Allie's treatment. Allie was having a rough time. Her pain level and agitation were higher than normal. Andrew was working, and Allie and I were all alone. She was so agitated that I couldn't get her to rest. She fussed and cried and fussed and cried. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Finally, she slowed down and comforted. When she did, I was ready to fall apart. Now, our room had those glow in the dark stars on our ceiling. They never worked. Not a one glowed once in the time I was there. That afternoon, I turned off the lights, ready to sink to the ground and fall to pieces. This time, every one of those stars began to glow. I stood for at least a minute (maybe it was less but it certainly felt like it), staring at the stars. An overwhelming sense of peace came over me. At the same time, just as quickly as they came on, all the stars stopped glowing. I didn't want to cry anymore. Cindy, Allie's nurse, walked in the room to find me staring at the ceiling. I told her the story of what had just happened. Cindy stopped, looked up at the ceiling and said, "Oh, those were Taylor's stars." We called Taylor our guardian angel after that.
That night, I sat at my computer and read about Taylor and her life on her website. I was afraid to read all that had happened because I was afraid of the same outcome for Allie. Larissa and I corresponded by e-mail once or twice, but we never met in person. It wasn't until after Allie's death that the two of us instantly connected. That day changed my life. Taylor Brewton changed my life. Thank you, Larissa, for sharing her with me.
Allie's third birthday is Sun., Dec. 17th. Three years ago, I was preparing my students for midterm exams and getting ready to have my first baby. What a great day it was when she entered our life! I miss Allie very much and wish she were here with us and Maggie.
Each year to celebrate Allie's birthday, I take a birthday cake to Dr. Goldman, one of Allie's oncologists. Dr. G's birthday is also Dec. 17th. It means a lot to me to be able to take him a cake each year in her memory. I know he appreciates. So long as that man practices medicine in the Dallas area, he can anticipate cake on or around his birthday. This year, we had to take it to him a little early this year because he was leaving for vacation. Maggie and I went last Friday. Let me tell you what an amazing, sweet man he is--Dr. G sat on the floor of the breakroom with a piece of cake. He let my sweet girl climb into his lap and shared his cake with her. He didn't hesitate to let her dig her fingers into the chocolate frosting. Didn't blink an eye when she wiped her hands on his pants (of course, I was gasping, apologizing and jumping up to get a napkin!!). I don't even know how much of that cake he ate and how much he fed to Maggie. The love he showed Maggie that day was the same type of love and sweetness he showed Allie each and every day as her doctor. How lucky were we??
What else??
Working in the past month has been interesting. Between Larissa's kids, my child, Cheryl's kids, and our babysitter's kids--it's difficult for us all to get in the office and get our work done at the same time! Thank goodness for the flexibility of our positions. Gotta love this laptop! I've gotten a lot of work done during naptimes and after she was in bed. I had to miss a few times due to Angela's daughter being sick and lack of childcare. Maggie got a sinus infection, stomach bug, AND chicken pox!! All in November!! I still got my work done, but it got very interesting!! The chicken pox wasn't so bad for Maggie, just more of an incovenience for her. Because she was contagious, we couldn't take her anywhere. I took three days off from going to the office (though still managed an eight to ten hour day by the end of it!), to be home with her. Andrew took the first day off to be with her so I could attend three big meetings. She was covered in chicken pox! Luckily, though she was covered, it was considered a mild case. It never blistered or scabbed. The reason was because it was caused from the vaccine. She got it from the vaccine which made it a milder strain of the virus. All in all, it wasn't too bad of an experience.
Andrew and I left on a cruise to Mexico for five days after Thanksgiving. We definitely needed that getaway! My mom stayed here at our house with the baby (yes, we are fully aware of how spoiled we are to have someone as wonderful as my mother to help us with Maggie so often!). Small world story--our neighbors were on the cruise!! I have known Marcy casually from her support of Allie and our family. When Maggie was born, Marcy even brought us a meal! They live one street over from us and we have seen them on walks sometimes. We are always friendly, but didn't know each other well. How crazy to have them on the same cruise! Not even an hour of sailing from Galveston, they spotted us at dinner. Andrew and I really had a great time with Marcy and Brian and enjoyed becoming friends with them. We spent the majority of the trip hanging out with them. I definitely recommend cruising with friends--we were out later than we ever would have been just by ourselves. Andrew and I are such home bodies that we would have been in our stateroom watching TV by 9pm every night. Instead, we were at "Rock-A-Rockie" watching obnoxious drunk people attempt to sing with the band--"Moses and the Highbrows" (Marcy and I loved cheesy Moses!) and laughing our heads off at others. We would never have gone to the games at night just the two of us. It was so much better to hang out with another couple.
While we had a great time on our cruise, we were still ready to get home to Maggie. We missed her so bad! Maggie is still into everything. For the past six weeks, we have been taking a sign language class at Gymboree before our normal gym session with Maggie. I love it and I can definitely see the benefit and effect it has had on Maggie. Maggie knows the signs for milk, eat, water, diaper, done, book and more. She recognizes the signs for bath, sleep, drink, dog, and cat. She is into something new each day. Her new thing is answering the question "What does a dog say?" and giving a little fake cough. If people around her begin to laugh, she does a fake laugh too. You can't help but to laugh harder then!
The fit throwing stage just began. Where do they learn this? What is it that is wired inside a baby (especially, I think, a baby girl!) that tells them to fling their entire bodies to the ground and cry when things don't go their way?? Where did this come from? It's not like Andrew and I ever do that! And why, I ask, does she prefer to do it to ME?? LOL. The joys of parenting, right? I wouldn't trade it for a heartbeat!
If you didn't notice on the front page, Maggie's one year portraits are now posted. Check them out at http://www.scotthousehold.com/1yearslideshow/index.html. Of course, Jennifer Weintraub of Sugar Photography, once again captured our family with her talent and heart. Truly, this is the best session we had. Due to Maggie's allergies, we chose to have an "Urban Baby" session instead of the traditional in the park session. I didn't want her to suffer with two days of severe issues (even with her two daily allergy medications!) from being in the park for two hours. Jennifer knew just the right spot in Plano for us to go. Maggie was in such a great mood the day we did the shoot. Good thing too because we had already canceled three times! First, we canceled due to two big bruises on her cheeks. In her excitement to see me one morning, she flung herself forward in her crib, hitting face first. Then, we canceled a week later after she slipped on bubbles at Gymboree class and got a big bruise on her head. The last time we canceled, she had the chicken pox! Jennifer joked it was a conspiracy! It all paid off in the end though--what great portraits. Ordering will not be an easy task!
I know there is more to write, but I am getting tired and need to climb into bed. I have a big presentation for Heroes for Children in the morning! Hopefully, it will not take me close to two months before the next update.
Heading off to bed to dream of my two beautiful girls--one angel and one princess! Jenny
When did we get a toddler in our house??? Maggie is ONE!!
Thursday, October 26th--Maggie's FIRST birthday! 10:15pm--Where did that tiny little baby go? Where did the tiny peanut that I held in my arms go? She got big and now she's one!! Who let this happen? My goodness!
Our sweet baby turned one today. What a day it has been. We had her doctor's appointment this morning (mean mom scheduled shots on her birthday!). She weighs 20 lbs 6 oz and is 28 3/4 in long--perfect size. She is exactly in the fiftieth percentile for both height and weight. Not too little, and not too big! Developmentally, he ranked her as functioning as a 15 month old. Except for her bad allergies, she is in perfect health. Music to my ears! Afterwards, we headed for lunch at the mall with Daddy and an hour of play time at the mall play area. you can imagine that we had quite a meltdown by the time we made it home due to the exhaustion! Tonight, we had a small dinner (spaghetti--Maggie's favorite) and a little cake. Maggie ate so much spaghetti and rolls--you should have seen her bulging tummy! All in all, it was a wonderful day. I admit--I teared up once or twice thinking about our time together of the past year and how much love I feel for this child. Checking out at the doctor's office, I let some tears fall. Happy tears for my gorgeous girl.
At ten months, Maggie began to take steps. She would go six to seven steps for about two weeks, but she got so frustrated with that. What felt like overnight, she began walking at 10 1/2 months! Since that moment, life in our home has been crazy! She is all over the house and into everything. I can't express enough how much we love it. When I found her attempting a handstand, I decided it was time for a Gymboree class. She loves Gymboree!! We go every week. As soon as we walk through the door, she starts squealing! She completely lights up. Usually, both my mom and grandma "Mom Mom" go with us too. There is nothing more fun for us then to watch Maggie exploring, trying new things, and having fun.
This far into my post, I hope you can tell that life is good in the Scott house. Family time is first on our list (though the golf tournament did suck up some time for me over the past few weeks--my job requires one night a week on average that I am working late or more). Maggie keeps us laughing each night. She is constantly finding something new or doing some new thing. We have our evening routine which keeps us busy together. My favorite is bathtime. Is there anything cuter and more precious than a naked baby in the bathtub? Didn't think so! While I bathe Maggie, Andrew gets us ready for bed. He starts her humidifier, gets her jammies and fresh diaper, and makes her bottle. I play with her for a few minutes, read the same book about the dirty duck, then get her all washed. Once we're finished, Andrew joins us in the bathroom. He gets her out of the tub and I catch her with the towel. Together, every night, we all go to our bed to get her dressed and combed (some seriously wild hair!). We play with her, love on her, and talk to her about her day. Then it's off to the living room for the next part of our routine--allergy medicine. I hold her while Andrew gives her the medicine. Luckily, she's a real trooper and takes it without any complaints or hesitation. It's bottle after medicine (we're beginning to wean off the bottle this week). Maggie and I snuggle up on the couch for her bottle. Nine times out of ten, she falls asleep to the bottle. Even when she does, I don't immediately take her to bed. How can I miss out on more snuggles? Instead, I hold her a few extra minutes. The smell of a fresh clean baby--you can't get a better scent to me.
Maggie's first birthday party was a big to-do. It was a joint party for both Maggie and Luke! The invitations, with pumpkins lining the bottom, read "Our little pumpkins are turning one!" Children were invited to wear their Halloween costumes. Maggie the Fairy Princess had a ball! She loved watching the big kids play. She ran all around Larissa's house and played. When it was cake time, she was so excited. We had these awesome pumpkin patch cakes made by our friend and office manager Cheryl. Maggie just shoved that cake in! Not only that, but she also ate most of Luke's and some of mine! What a great time she had!
I can't not post pictures. Normally, I don't do more than six. That just isn't enough for me! Below are some recent pictures of beautiful Maggie. Her hair has gotten so long. The sides and back are extremely curly and the front |
