Week 20

Tuesday, Sept 14th

10:00pm--I witnessed the most beautiful thing ever.  My daughter became an angel.  We were surrounded by some of the most important people in our life, family and friends.  Some of those people we have known for many years, while others only a few months (spent in the hospital--those months feel like years!).  Doesn't matter how long we have known them, we will continue to know them for a long time.   We sang to Allie and touched her all over.  I sang "Wonder" acapella while the rest listened.  Allie has always been comforted by music.  Her lullaby CD also played and she and I rocked to the music.

True to Allie, her passing was unique.  We were all talking at once when I noticed her breathing had stopped. I quieted everyone, and we had Michelle check her heart rate.  Allie was gone.  Sobbing started.  Andrew and I enveloped Allie in our arms and felt her leave her body.  I could just feel it.  Then, all of a sudden, I felt a strong sensation, and I knew Allie was back.  She took a big breath.  Everyone said it was just a reflex.  No, she had returned.  Our girl had been gone from us for somewhere between three to five minutes, and she then returned.  It was forty more minutes before she would pass.  Angela, one of my best friends and Allie's former babysitter, arrived shortly after the "first death."  We all believe in our hearts that Allie did leave her body at that time.  She must have surveyed the room, seen us crying, and noted the absence of her beloved Angela.  We think she came back for her to be with us at the time of her passing. 

In those forty minutes, we continued to love on each other.  Somewhere near twenty people were in and out of the room.  Dennis held her arm and felt her pulse.  Jim cued up the power point of "Sweet Baby Allie"--a tribute of her life made by someone in June.  We sat and watched, continuing to stroke Allie all over. 

At 11:05pm, my daughter left the world to a heaven where there is no leukemia.  She beat the disease.  She is no longer in any kind of pain.  When I pass, I hope it is with such gentleness and beauty. 

It was another two hours before we left the hospital.  Though we were given the option to stay for the night or to come back to retrieve our stuff, Andrew and I felt the urgency to get it done right away.  By two o'clock, we were fast asleep in our home.

A memorial service in Allie's honor is planned for Thursday afternoon. 

4:30 First Baptist Church of Plano

1300 E. 15th Street

While we understand your need to grieve and your longing to help, please understand our need for privacy.  We cannot take phone calls or visitors at this time.  Yes, I have made this a public website.  I have shared moments about our life this summer, including those that weren't easy for us.  No, I won't stop writing.  I may not write every night, but I find therapy in typing on this keyboard.  It allows the thoughts swarming in my head to be released.  It provides me an outlet for my pain. 

Channel 8 news did a short piece this morning about Allie's passing.  Instead of an average obituary, we are honored to have Jacquielynn Floyd write a piece on her.  I just finished reading it on The Dallas Morning News website.  The best yet.  She did a tribute to my little girl like no other could.  People have been kind and generous, wanting to help our family.

We have asked that donations to Light the Night 12 South Angels team in Plano be made in lieu of flowers.  Andrew and I have a knack for killing flowers and plants faster than most.  Even those plants that people swear to us are low maintenance "guaranteed you won't kill"--die in our home.  Floral arrangements are expensive.  And they don't last.  Money to research not only lasts longer than the shelf life of a floral arrangement, it can help ensure that one day, some child will not experience the same pain my baby did.  Please, no flowers or plants necessary.  If you want to help, donate to www.active.com/donate/allieandsam.

Mementos and keepsakes have poured in.  We thank those that have sent us things.  However, there are only so many things I can have.   At this time, we ask you to refrain from purchasing more keepsakes for us.  Again, put the money to research.  More important to me right now.  My new passion and life's purpose.  I will honor my child's memory by doing so.  I will keep her alive in my heart. 

With love,

Jenny

Monday, Sept. 13th--Day Fifty-Eight

11:20 pm-- At 11:05 pm Allie left us for a better place. She has gone to heaven. She passed very peacefully with a room full of love. She was surrounded by family and friends. We are all very sad to see her go but happy that she is no longer in pain. She is now our guardian angel looking down from heaven at us. Thank you all for your continued love and support. Arrangements have not been made yet. In lieu of flowers the family asks that you make a donation in Allie's name to the Light the Night walk team12 South Angels. 

4:00pm--Michelle opened a room up for us to get some sleep last night.  Andrew took the first shift, while I stayed here with Allie.  She woke up and played with me for an hour.  I finally joined her in the bed at 12:30, and I woke up at 4am.  Andrew and I switched and I got to have the room to myself. I slept for what seemed like a week, but in reality was only two hours.

Andrew woke me up frantically at 6.  Michelle was rocking with Allie.  She wasn't breathing well, her color was off, and her extremeties were cold.  Michelle told us that she didn't think Allie would live through the day.

Allison is still with us right now, but she is very agitated.  Her leukemia has spread to her Central Nervous System, and she is extreme pain. Her kidneys are giving indications of failure.  She cries out every minute or so.  We have more than doubled her fentanyl and versed, as well as given her a hypnotic medicine to help her relax. 

We are here with our family and friends.  We don't know if Allie will live through the day or if she will hold out through the week.  You never know with this child.  She has been known to throw us a few curveballs.

The truth of the matter is that we don't want her to hurt anymore.  Both of us have held her and calmly told her that it is okay to let go.  She needs to know that we will be alright. We don't want her to suffer anymore.  If that means her being in heaven, that is what is best for her. 

For now, we are staying by her side.  She is surrounded by love.  She will never know hate.  Ever.  She will leave this world the same way she came....loved.

--Jenny